My husband was the first man I felt I could let myself go with sexually. Yet, over the years, we grew apart, took each other for granted and he had an affair. We are rebuilding our relationship, but we show our wounds when it comes to sex. We are both often afraid to initiate, and I fear rejection.
Fearing rejection is natural, especially when one has experienced pain from a partner’s disloyal behaviour. It takes time to rebuild trust, and our sexual responses are firmly related to our sense of safety. It is never easy to be relaxed, open and connected with someone who has hurt you, and trying to overcome that reticence before healing has fully occurred is counterintuitive.
But, aside from an understandable reaction to betrayal, you also suggest that before your marriage you were unable to let go sexually – this may point to issues that predate your relationship. Unless a person gleans an understanding of how earlier relationships impact their long-term ability to feel sexually safe – and achieves any necessary healing – they will not be able to progress to emotional stability in adult sexual relationships. Physical sexual health is not enough to sustain long-term intimacy. Without a decent level of emotional and psychological health, people will always feel fragile and insecure within the context of adult sexuality, and such vulnerability often leads to misery and can eventually destroy a marriage.
