When dating, we all try to “hide the crazy” for as long as humanly possible. After all, you’re not meeting the full human until about the 12th date, if that. (People still find out terrible secrets about their spouses years into marriage, for heaven’s sake.)
So by and large, we all market ourselves in a good enough light that any defects will not show until it’s too late. And that, of course, is why we lie in dating app bios.
Having seen my share of deceptive advertisements, I decided to collect a few of the most obvious specimens I’ve encountered online. Here, to save you time should you choose to follow the online dating path, are some ways you can hide the truth behind a generic bio:
“Not looking for anything serious”: what you should write instead of telling people that you’re liable to leave their home within seconds of finishing the job, muttering awkwardly about how your boss suddenly died and that you need to go back to work right this second.
“Just ask ;)”: can be exchanged for what you really mean: “I fear intimacy in all forms, especially being vulnerable enough to state who I am online.”
[Just your instagram handle]: for when you’ve worked out long and hard to get abs so you can sleep with other people who also have abs. You earned it. I certainly have not.
“I love to travel and hop on a plane whenever I can”: a great bio, because you’re likely privileged in a lot of ways, but also likely slightly irresponsible about it. But it’s much better than saying, “Hey, I throw up in cabs – not Ubers – a lot.”
“If you have a dog, I’ll probably swipe right”: the line you’ll use rather than letting people know that if someone would just replace the wiper blades on your car, you’d probably spend the rest of 2015 generously screwing them. The point is, you aren’t in it for them – you’re trying to get something, dear God anything, out of a relationship for once in your damn life.
“Just moved here!”: to use if you’re desperately lonely and you just want someone to do something – anything – with you (throw a piece of pizza at a cat; purchase a lampshade; test-drive a tractor). People will take pity and perhaps try to include you in their lives.
“Fluent in sarcasm”: a nice way to say that your fraternity brothers keep trying to get you to do standup.
[Insert Kafka quote]: the best line to use if you’re struggling to find a way to mention that you were valedictorian of your high school and got an 800 verbal on the SATs.
“I am looking for someone down to earth who can keep up with me”: when your biggest problem in relationships is the other person having needs at all.
“Love to laugh”: we all want relationships that are effortless, and here’s your best chance at finding a chill person. Say you “love to laugh” so that when, four years down the road, your partner brings up how her aunt Deb isn’t doing so well, you can politely remind her that you “love to laugh” and she knew that going into this.
“I work hard and play hard”: the “work hard” part is great for when your life is so far out of your control that you’ll do anything just to make it to the end of the week in your shit job. “Play hard” is a good catchall term for any alcohol/cocaine/exotic dancer habits you have.
“Honesty is the most important policy”: sounds better than SUSAN, WHY DID YOU SLEEP WITH KEITH FROM ACCOUNTS PAYABLE? WE HAD A FUTURE TOGETHER.
“Looking for my partner in crime”: if you’ve taken one college improv class or your friends tell you you’re funny, go ahead. The three people on Earth who haven’t heard this are going to love you. (Also, anyone who is actually a criminal can use the above line. Probably makes breaking the news a bit easier.)
The word “Netflix”: reserved for people who have no facets to their personality. Netflix is just a streaming service for TV. At this point, that’s like saying you like the internet. Everyone does.
“I like to go out sometimes, but I also like to stay in”: if you genuinely feel that your flaws cannot be limited in any of the above ways, you can always put this ultimate catchall. Because guess what? That’s one of the top three things that define us humans, along with having opposable thumbs and a large cerebral cortex.
Leaving your bio blank: only for serial killers, FYI.
