‘I THINK I’M PARANOID, MANIPULATED’
While it has recently been observed that the ridiculously paranoid siege mentality of Manchester United manager José Mourinho has spread to that small but ridiculously one-eyed section of the club’s fans who shout loudest on the internet, what has gone unobserved until now is that the opposite seems to be happening with Liverpool’s minority and their team’s manager. Rawk Meltdown, an account on social media disgrace Twitter devoted to “conspiracy theories, delusion, all served up with a complete lack of self-awareness” from a Liverpool fans’ forum, has recently turned its focus on Jürgen Klopp, who espoused the theory BT Sport might have deliberately curtailed the amount of time played in Liverpool’s FA Cup defeat by West Brom because of three delays caused by VAR, two of which benefitted his team.
“What I heard was that the actual extra-time in the first half should have been 10 minutes; it was only four minutes,” wibbled Klopp maniacally. “I heard that television said it’s not longer than four minutes.” While BT Sport, presumably following consultations with the Illuminati’s best men, have since rubbished Klopp’s claims, the German must now prepare his excuses for what could be a third consecutive defeat for Liverpool since that terrific victory over Manchester City. Following calls for their manager’s beatification after said win, some of the more hysterical among Liverpool’s fan-base now want his dismissal and are unlikely to be appeased should their team lose to strugglers Huddersfield, who as luck would have it are managed by Klopp’s good pal and – not a lot of people know this – best man, David Wagner.
Now, if Wagner’s experiences in the best man role were in any way similar to The Fiver’s, we’re guessing he’s still seething with resentment at having had to spend what should have been a nice day carousing wracked with nerves while trying to stay sober before the speech. Revenge, like gazpacho, is a dish best served cold and a Huddersfield win would surely fit the bill. “Liverpool have lost two games in a row,” said Wagner, at his press conference after complimenting the bridesmaids on being well turned out. “They look vulnerable at the minute. Does it mean we will be successful? No. Does it mean we have a chance? Absolutely.”
If Liverpool are to get back to winning ways, they will have to do so without headwear salesman Daniel Sturridge, who has gone to West Brom on loan for the rest of the season. Despite the infrequency of his appearances under Klopp, many Liverpool fans feel it’s a mistake to let him go, citing their club’s lack of strength in depth as a major source of concern. Having agitated for a move because of a lack of opportunities at Anfield, Sturridge has described West Brom as “the right fit”, unlike that match his new team just played against his old one, which BT Sport somehow had to crowbar into their schedule.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton from 8pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Huddersfield 1-3 Liverpool.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I know a bit about the history of some players and also I watched a movie called Goal! It was good” – the state of Newcastle under Mike Ashley part 137: Kenedy reveals that one of the club’s big selling points was fictitious former player Santiago Muñez.
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David Squires on the countdown to deadline day, starring Tom Jones, Big Bird and a Lynchian nightmare.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: a name for the Uefa Nations League (Fiver letters passim). How about Eurovision Soccerball Contest? Euro Tin also has a nice ring to it, but I could see it getting confused with the Danish lager that Bad Manners sang about (ask your parents)” – Kenny McColl.
“In the spirit of competitions going on for an inordinately long time with the ultimate prize being attendance of a more prestigious tournament, may I suggest Hans Zimmer’s Going for Gold theme for the tournament [actual fact – Fiver Ed]? Not only is it a corking tune, but the lyrics really capture the essence of what Euro Thimble is all about: ‘People are coming, everyone’s trying.’ Tagline for the tournament, no?” – Mike Hall.
“Much as I agree with the venerable Neil Warnock regarding the robustness of the game here (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), shouldn’t he have said ‘this is Wales’?” – Ian Crossan (and 1,056 others).
“My mind was drifting as I read your main article yesterday, as it often does, and I was wondering whether I would be prepared to pay a subscription for The Fiver that included the letters section, as opposed to free access to one that didn’t, as we’re guaranteed a modicum of informative and entertaining content. However, after yesterday’s extraordinarily dull contributions, I promptly ceased to wonder. Keep up the work” – Warwick Fox.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Hall.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
More than 2,000 fans, family members and former team-mates paid tribute to Cyrille Regis at a memorial service at the Hawthorns on the day of the late West Brom and England player’s funeral. “Every little last bit of his legacy lives with you as much as it does with us, because he was a special man and his legacy must live on,” said Jason Roberts.
Former Premier League referee Paul Alcock has died at the age of 64.
Manchester City found £57.2m of spare change and casually broke their transfer record with it for Athletic Bilbao’s uncapped French centre-back Aymeric Laporte. “He’s played since a young age in La Liga so at a high level. He’s strong in the air and fast. He’s got good quality and we are delighted,” cheered Pep Guardiola, who also confirmed that Leroy Sané is out for six weeks with ankle-knack.
In other ankle-knack news, 2017’s Ruben Loftus-Cheek has returned to Chelsea for treatment, with Crystal Palace unsure as to when their loanee will come back.
And Tim Cahill is back at Millwall, 78 flamin’ years after leaving the club for Everton. “The romance of the story is definitely not lost on me,” he cooed.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly. Come get some.
STILL WANT MORE?
It was never going to be love at first sight for Daniel Sturridge and Jürgen Klopp, swoons Sachin Nakrani.
VAR may well curb bad tackles but more technology will cause further confusion, so-says Paul MacInnes.
Once the dust finally settles, Phil Neville can focus on his job again – and we can all focus on the football, writes Suzanne Wrack.
After starting out nicely, the Premier League’s three promoted teams are in bother, worries Martin Laurence.
And with less than 36 hours to go, will Eliaquim Mangala seal a move to Newcastle? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
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