Name: Melbourne.
Age: First recorded in the Domesday Book, 1086.
Population: Roughly 5,000.
Location: About eight miles south of Derby, five miles west of East Midlands airport.
Appearance: Picturesque English town with an attractive Georgian market square.
Sounds nice. Indeed. It has been ranked as one of the best places to live in the UK. The quality of life in this part of south Derbyshire is, shall we say, really very high.
How fortunate. I mean, incredibly high.
What are you driving at? Keep it to yourself, but apparently Melbourne has a bit of a drug problem.
It does? Yes, but no one talks about it.
Why not? House prices.
What has one got to do with the other? Everything, according to the local constabulary. “The other day we had someone call the police and say that they don’t want to call in drug incidents because they think it will make house prices drop,” Sgt Matt Ladd told a council meeting last week.
Does that actually happen when you report drugs? Not according to Ladd. “That is completely unacceptable and is not true at all,” he said. “There is no basis in fact.”
What kind of property prices are we talking about? The average house will set you back more than £300k.
You can see why homeowners might prefer to keep quiet. Ladd disagrees. “Recording more incidents is positive,” he said. “It sends a message that we are out there and we will stop these people.”
It sounds as if things are getting out of hand. Don’t worry. The police have been cracking down in recent months.
So how many drug incidents were recorded in Melbourne in 2019? Nine.
Sorry, did you say nine? Yes, but six of those were were recorded in December alone, after police adopted a more proactive approach.
Proactive how? With regard to intelligence-gathering in cooperation with local residents.
What kind of intelligence? According to the Derby Telegraph, Melbourne cemetery was highlighted as an area in which drug users were believed to gather.
I could have told you that, and I’ve never been to south Derbyshire. The six incidents were largely cannabis-related.
I think Melbourne may well have a drug problem – a genuine shortage. Either way, be sure to report your suspicions.
Do say: “I love the period detail and the newly renovated kitchen, but I’m not sure my dealer will come all the way out here. Do you have a number for someone local?”
Don’t say: “What a large and extremely private garden! How far was that airport again?”
