I’m in my mid-20s and have never had a very long-term relationship. I don’t want to sexually disempower myself, being a sexually active lady, but I just want to know: if a partner asks for my ‘number’ – the number of lovers I’ve had – is it OK to refuse to answer or lie? Or should you always tell the truth?
You do not have to reveal this kind of information to anyone. It is your private business. In fact, such a question can reveal a lot about the asker. You need to decide in the moment what his or her motives might be, and react accordingly. Is this being asked out of fear, possessiveness, intrusiveness or something else? At your age, it is often due to curiosity mingled with the fear of being exposed as inexperienced – especially if it is asked before sex.
Sometimes, a pointed “I prefer not to keep score” or “I’m just going to pretend you didn’t ask me that” will put an end to the inquiries. Humour is often the best ploy, and there are times when even sarcasm can help make a point, as in: “What number would you like? In your book, what’s midway between prude and slut?” In the best of situations, this could lead to an illuminating conversation, but don’t hold your breath. If the inquisitor persists, you may have to answer with a truthful: “This question makes me very uncomfortable. I never, ever tell, but help me to understand why it is important for you to know?”
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
