I have a lovely daughter and husband, a secure and happy life, and a successful career. This has involved hard work and a commitment to ongoing improvement, realising that life (for me) is a journey of learning to unlearn the lessons of the past. I was told to leave my family home at 17; I’d sustained years of fear and violence from my father. He was angry at the world after my mother died.
I set about building a new life for myself. I never stop giving my daughter the love, safety and security I didn’t have as a child; she is very happy.
I have never introduced my daughter to her grandfather. I feel he doesn’t deserve to know her, and I worry that his temperament and behaviour haven’t changed. I also worry about the power he had over me – what it would do if I let him into our lives.
But I’m also worried about my daughter. What will she say when she’s grown up? Will she be angry with me for keeping them apart? Any advice would be welcomed.
I wondered if your daughter is now the same age you were when you lost your mother because there is a “Why now?” element to my answer. I think it’s incredible that you’ve turned your life into a huge success, with love and achievement at its core, after such tough early years. But it’s interesting that, despite this, you have these doubts about introducing your daughter to your dad.
When I started writing this column nearly a decade ago, my thought was always, “family first.” But I now know that isn’t always the right approach and some members of a family don’t deserve to be let in. This is one of those cases. One can feel sad for your father that he lost his wife, but instead of nurturing his children, he bullied and terrorised them. That was a choice and now you have yours.
I showed your letter to Nicola McCarry (aft.org.uk), a family psychotherapist. “Children benefit from knowing about family stories,” McCarry said, “particularly when – as in this case – Mum has been a hero. You are an amazing role model, teaching your daughter about healthy ways for people to behave in relationships – what is and isn’t acceptable. You’ve drawn a line [under a damaging relationship] and it would be a shame if your daughter didn’t benefit from that.”
You didn’t say how old your daughter is, but we guessed she is quite young. What McCarry suggested you do is, at some point when it’s appropriate, draw a family tree with your daughter (children love knowing their place in the family). You don’t have to introduce everything about what happened at once. Your daughter will ask questions over time as she gets more curious, and then you can slowly add more texture to the picture. “Also, look for opportunities in everyday life for the subject of family to come up and drop things into the conversation,” McCarry suggested. “It doesn’t have to be anything big but things such as, ‘My mummy had blond hair’ – innocuous family details as well as sad or difficult ones woven together.” That way, McCarry suggested, you introduce the subject of your dad over time and it doesn’t all come as a shock.
McCarry also asked, “Why are you expecting your daughter to be angry? Is it because your dad was angry?”
I wondered what would happen if your daughter asked to see your father. McCarry thought that if you do adopt this “layering” approach of revealing family details and explaining why you don’t see him, she would be unlikely to ask. As long as you think your father is unsafe, saying no is perfectly acceptable. In time, if you changed your mind, you could look at things again – but the way things stand, that looks unlikely. My advice would be to be confident in your decision.
“It’s better to have an angry daughter you’ve kept safe than one who has been exposed to [the potential dangers of] your dad,” McCarry said.
I wondered if you had some curiosity about your father – if, perhaps, you wanted to show him he hadn’t broken you. That’s understandable, but resist that urge. He has no power over you. You have it all now, and you’ve used it for good. Well done.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
