When my second child was three months old (the elder is four), I found out by accident that my boyfriend of 10 years has been cheating on me online for at least three years; he has admitted to email relationships with three separate women. He has been setting up secret accounts, exchanging fantasies, photos and has had virtual sex with two other women via Skype (masturbating – he says it wasn’t that great in practice).
It has been two years since I found out, since then we haven’t had sex and counselling hasn’t really got us anywhere. I like to think everyone deserves a chance, but I also think once a cheater, always a cheater.
I read the emails and the fantasies he expressed included sex with an older man, sex with a transvestite, threesomes and acting out rape with a woman. He has since admitted to masturbating compulsively since he was a small boy, and phoning gay chat lines when he was younger. He has psoriasis and body issues and has blamed his behaviour on unaddressed anxiety and depression.
I’d have left him immediately if we didn’t have two young kids, but I feel my inability to forgive is going to break up our family. He has genuinely done exactly what you would hope for in this situation: never blamed me, given me access to his phone and emails, sought separate counselling and he has been trying to address issues he would have avoided before. How can I find a way to forgive him? Or should I accept we need to break up our relationship and therefore our family?
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