Dear Coleen,
I’m a woman in my late-30s and I’ve been estranged from my mother for most of my life after she walked out when my brother and I were young children, leaving our dad to bring us up.
She’d been having an affair and went off with the man she was seeing. At first she kept in contact, but our lives were moving on without her and it obviously wasn’t a priority for her to make the effort to see us, or even to stay in touch with letters and cards.
We’ve had a happy life despite everything, thanks to my dad and step-mum, but my dilemma is I heard through a relative that my mother has been ill and is recovering at home.
She’s in her 60s now and it got me thinking that I don’t actually know how I’ll feel if she dies and I haven’t seen her or said all the things I’ve wanted to say to her over the years.
Maybe I’ll feel nothing at all or maybe I’ll be angry.
I’m very confused and unsure whether or not to make contact with her. I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
If this is playing on your mind, then I think you should address it to move on positively with your life. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counsellor before you see her.
It’s been many years since you were last in touch and, especially if she’s ill, you don’t want to turn up unprepared for how you’ll feel – whether that’s anger or sadness. If she did pass away without you seeing her, you could end up living with regret.
I think it would also be good to hear her side of the story and give her the opportunity to talk.
There are always two sides and, in saying that, I’m not putting down your dad and step-mum, who’ve been amazing and thank goodness they were there for you.
But there may have been reasons that you don’t know about beyond the affair, such as depression.
The point is, you know nothing about how she felt at the time, so it’s worth listening.
Write to her first and get some contact going. You might walk away not wanting to be part of her life, but it might put something to rest for you. Good luck.
