INTERNATIONAL WEEKEND, YOU SAY?
It’s pretty easy to wonder what the point of international football is these days. It isn’t, and hasn’t been for a while, as good as club football; it can be followed by cavalcades of tumbling halfwits whose primary method of self-expression is to sing songs about a war that ended 40 years before they were born; managers are left with thousand-yard stares, their lives turned into punchlines for the crime of not winning a World Cup; players who don’t perform to the demanded standard end up on the front page of a paper for buying their mum a sink. It would probably be better if we just wrote the whole thing off as a bad job, but today, The Fiver is choosing positivity. We are choosing to embrace it. We are choosing life. Or at least we’re choosing to accept that it’s here, it probably isn’t going away, so we might as well tolerate it in the best humour we can.
Friday evening’s game is probably the biggest of the weekend, as our old cousin Theme Pub O’Fiver gets right ramped up for a big clash in Dublin with our other cousin Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver. Alas for Theme Pub, the O’Ireland team is so ravaged with knack that they’ve had to call upon some back-up, so lining up for them are Roy Keane, the ghost of Johnny Carey, Brian O’Driscoll, Frank Carson, Father Ted’s Lovely Horse, Molly Malone, three nuns and – so desperate is the situation – perhaps even Kevin Doyle. They’ll be facing a Wales team with Gareth Bale spearheading their attack, rejecting allegations they’re a one-man team while simultaneously scoring all of their goals. Bale is presumably reeling from the cutting barb from the vinegar mouth of John Giles that he is “not a great player”, although Giles softened the blow by assuring everyone that he likes Bale “first as a player and secondly as a human being” although “I don’t know him”. A rollercoaster of emotions, there.
So that should be good. And then there’s England, fresh from Lukas Podolski’s testimonial the other night. Gareth Southgate was apparently asked if Wayne Rooney should be given a sendoff like ol’ Poldi (banners, adoring crowd, accommodating opposition, that sort of thing), to which he responded: “Is that your last question?” and wandered off. We never knew he could be so brutal. Anyway Gaz, presumably shirtless, oiled and with a cross of St George painted across his face, will lead his brave boys into battle against Lithuania at Sunday tea-time, offering you some rare 5pm humour.
Elsewhere Gigi Buffon will make the rest of us look even worse than we already do by playing his 1,000th game of professional football as Italy face Albania. Scotland continue the charade that Gordon Strachan is a viable international manager as they show up to go through the formalities of being beaten by Slovenia. Iceland will cause Mr Roy to wake in a cold sweat again by re-emerging to play Kosovo. Titans Andorra face behemoths the Faroe Islands. And Gooners everywhere will take a break from daubing messages on A4 pieces of paper and raiding their piggy banks to see if they’ve got enough money for another plane, to pray that Alexis Sánchez doesn’t burst into flames while on duty for Chile. See? Plenty to be positive about. Now stop being such a grump and watch some football.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Nick Miller from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of the Republic O’Ireland 1-1 Wales.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“In England, in the Championship, you see good people, good coaches, losing their jobs. And that doesn’t happen in other countries nowhere near as much. When you look at, say, Serie B or the second Bundesliga, before the season there are three or four clubs who have realistic things in place to go up. In the Championship, apart from six clubs, everyone says: ‘We want to go into the play-offs, we want to win promotion.’ And it’s completely unrealistic. So English football is fantastic – wow. But you also have a dark side” – Fleetwood Town manager Uwe Rösler gets his chat on with Stuart James.
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FIVER LETTERS
“How fitting that former Disney CEO, Michael Eisner, has sought to purchase Portsmouth FC. It’s a perfect fit, the right time to get A-lad-in, with Pompey having little in the way of Donald Duck in recent years, and now playing in a Mickey Mouse league. Here’s hoping they’ve found their Prince Charming, and it doesn’t turn out to be a Goofy move” – Johnny Connelly.
“Re: footballers who went on to better things (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I know I shouldn’t bite but, being a Morton supporter, comfort has to be taken wherever possible. The Hollywood actor Martin Compston used to be a Morton player while a certain celebrity chef by the name of Gordon Ramsay came to the quite reasonable conclusion that being farmed out by The Pope’s O’Rangers to Morton was just about as big a hint that his footballing career was going nowhere that he could get [or maybe not – Fiver Ed]. I would also give you bit-part footballer James Allan, who became lead singer in Glaswegian joysters, Glasvegas. Finally, and admittedly stretching a point, a certain Lord Ferg never really set the heather on fire as a player but apparently became quite a good manager” – Alistair Moffat.
“Luciano Pavarotti and Albert Camus, to name two. The Fiver might not be The Knowledge, but we readers are” – Dave Kramer.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Johnny Connelly.
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BITS AND BOBS
Middlesbrough’s Ben Gibson has been called into the England squad for the first time, replacing Chris Smalling who has unspecified knack. Gibson may even get a start, with Michael Keane and John Stones the only other central defenders available.
Brazil could qualify for the 2018 World Cup on Tuesday after thrashing Uruguay 4-1 in Montevideo, with Paulinho – yes, that one – scoring a hat-trick.
Tutting, joyless Uefa suits have fined Barcelona £16,500 for the ugly, ugly scenes at Camp Nou as a few supporters ran on the pitch after their dramatic Big Cup comeback against PSG.
Tottenham’s Dele Alli will miss at least one Wembley Big Cup defeat next season –he’s been suspended for three European matches for his abysmal tackle on Brecht Dejaegere in their Big Vase exit to Gent.
Who’s that lurking outside Chelsea’s Cobham training ground? Looks like it’s Real Madrid president Florentino Pérez, hoping to lure Eden Hazard and Thibaut Courtois to Spain, using the under-appreciated Álvaro Morata as bait.
And Palermo’s new president, Paul Baccaglini, has moved to assure fans that his stewardship is no joke – despite his prior career as an actual comedian. “Everyone will realise that this is serious,” he deadpanned.
STILL WANT MORE?
The World Cup dream remains alive for Tahiti, ranked 149th in the world. That and nine other things Nick Miller wants you to know about the international break.
Gianluigi Buffon is playing his 1,000th senior game on Friday night – and has suggested he’d like to go out Zizou-style. “Maybe I’ll go out like Zidane, head-butting someone on the pitch!” Buffon chuckled. Louise Taylor has more.
Paolo Bandini caught up with Giampaolo Pazzini, scorer of the first goal – and hat-trick – at the new Wembley, 10 years ago this weekend.
“It is the best experience they have had in all my time at the club. You really see the benefits. I asked the girls recently what they thought and they unanimously said they would prefer to play in a boys’ league” – Rupen Shah, Arsenal U-10 girls’ coach, on a new initiative that allows his players to take on boys’ teams at grassroots level. Amy Lawrence went along to watch.
Manchester City loanee Enes Unal has been banging in the goals for FC Twente – and Emre Sarigul reckons we should ignore Flavor Flav’s advice and start believing the hype.
Gian Piero Ventura has coached more games than The Fiver has had hot dinners, but the Italy manager is still giving youth a chance, writes Matt Santangelo.
After three failed stadium moves this century, Everton cannot afford to miss out on the latest relocation opportunity, warns Andy Hunter.
Who can begrudge ol’ Poldi his Roy of the Rovers ending, says Jason Humphreys.
From the archive … The Joy of Six: one-on-one finishes. By Rob Smyth.
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