But why not spend the rest of your afternoon with Rob Smyth? Otherwise, thanks all for your company and comments – ta-ra.
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Right, here’s Louise Taylor’s match report - dig in.
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I’m trying to conjure up a way Palace don’t struggle this season, but I’ve no idea what it is. Maybe they move Meyer to number 10 and try Zaha out wide? I’ve not a clue what they do with their defence.
Jamie Redknapp just used the phrase “overlapping centre-backs”. Only the second game of the season and it’s already a cliche.
When you say a team are well organised, you usually mean that they defend doughtily, and that’s certainly true of United. But they also have attacking plans, and several of them - they intend to score and know how they’re going to go about it. There’s a long way to go, but that was very impressive – Chris Wilder knows something.
Palace, on the other hand, are a rabble. It’s going to be a long and unpleasant season for them if they can’t somehow make their older players younger and their worse players better.
Full-time: Sheffield United 1-0 Crystal Palace
That’s a fine win and performance from Blades, who worked harder than Palace at the same time as having a better plan and greater quality. If they can keep their better players fit, and if McBurnie and Freeman settle in, they can stay up.
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90+7 min Kelly lofts a ball into touch, and that’s got to be it!
90+7 min I should probably say, and excuse me for failing to mention it sooner, but Palace are absolutely abject.
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90+6 min Ward moves the ball out to Van Aanholt, who crosses towards Schlupp and for a second it looks like there’s space on the edge of the box, so 629 defenders quickly fill it with bodies and heads.
90+4 min Zaha drops deep to seek the ball and Stevens drops deep with him to administer a kick.
90+4 min United have made this time disappear pretty easily, and the busy McBurnie then wins his team a corner. They’re nearly there.
90+2 min Palace win a free-kick out on the left and Milivojevic clips in, but the ball is headed away easily enough.
90 min There’ll be seven added minutes: well done referee.
90 min I probably should’ve said earlier: Palace have been absolutely steaming.
89 min Have a look! Phil Jagielka is sent on by Chris Wilder, replacing McGoldrick. I guess United are playing four centre-backs now, overlapping or otherwise.
88 min Zaha gets the ball and is immediately surrounded by 72 defenders. He’s quickly unloaded.
88 min “If the officials add on the true amount of wasted time, this game could have another 90 minutes,” calculates Peter Littley.
Tell you what, instead of farting about with VAR, this is an area that could easily be addressed and would actually improve the flow of the game. Two halves of 30 minutes duration, if the ball goes out of play the watch stops.
86 min McBurnie pursues a bouncing ball with his phizog and Ward hoists a foot to take it away from him; there’s a little bit of contact but either way, that’s an infringement “for me” and a free-kick right on the edge of the box. The ref, though, thinks otherwise.
85 min Freeman, who doesn’t wait to be asked, comes sliding in like a meshuggener and clips McCarthy. He’s booked, which is the right call, but worth noting that his foot was higher than the son.
83 min Schlupp contrives to handle a bouncing ball 25 yards from his own goal, level with the right edge of the box, and Norwood curls in a decent enough ball ... but McBurnie needs to contort to get to it, sending his header wide. He’s shown enough since coming on to suggest he’ll keep his place too.
82 min Final shot at the dart for Hodgson: Wickham replaces McArthur. If they can get enough of the ball, they should send him and Benteke to the front post and see what happens when the crosses come in.
81 min And still Palace struggle to find tempo and rhythm. It’s not clear how they planned to win today, because they’ve done so little.
79 min Freeman has been excellent since coming on - I daresay he may keep his place - and he wins a corner, which Norwood sends into the middle. McBurnie is up first too, peeling away, and he heads into Schlupp and over; the ref signals a goalkick, which is ill-received by yerman.
78 min Lovely from United, Stevens into O’Connell, who backheels for McGoldrick. He wins a throw, and Palace lose more valuable seconds.
77 min Palace are an absolute piece ay nonsense.
75 min Palace try some quick passing, so O’Connell rams in the back of McCarthy. That’ll learn them.
73 min Minor handbags when Baldock charges through McCarthy and catches foot with studs; he’s booked, and so is McCarthy for daring to remonstrate. Er, that seems fair,
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72 min Guaita claws Norwood’s corner clear but Basham picks it up and clips to the back post, where O’Connell, his left-centre-back partner waits. He climbs more or less unopposed, but can only head wide.
71 min Stevens throws to McBurnie, whose hold-up wins a corner. United look far more likely to score a second than Palace do to find an equaliser.
70 min Another change for Palace: off goes Townsend and on comes McCarthy, making his debut for the club. Admit it, you thought he always played for them didn’t you.
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68 min Ahahahahah! Lovely from Stevens, rotating through a double-Zidane which takes him between three men; he then tries to flick a crossfield pass out right with the outside of his boot, but can’t quite force it over the man blocking its route.
67 min Norwood whips in and Dann heads clear.
66 min The thing about these overlapping centre-backs – as Milivojevic pulls down Basham on the right win - is that it’s not just about getting them forward, but about them having the ability to do something when they get there. Free-kick United...
65 min Change for Palace: Schlupp, fit again, replaces Meyer, who we see for the first time this afternoon when he runs off.
64 min The game resumed and Townsend, forced to depart, quickly runs back on.
62 min Freeman, who’s done well since coming on, runs through a challenge with Townsend and leaves without the ball, but bringing his heels high, clips his man’s eye with a stud. There’s a break while he’s treated.
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61 min United are still by far the better side, faster to every ball and passing with greater purpose and imagination.
60 min “OK Daniel,” retorts Richard Harris, or Cuz as I call him. “I see where you are going with this – Sheffield United v West Ham is going to be the new Palace v Brighton pseudo-derby as the Owls are stuck in the Championship and the Steel City derby won’t be played again until next season.”
Incidentally, when did “Steel City derby” become a thing. Was it when “Second City derby” did too/ Otherwise, I admire your need to needle.
58 min There’s time still to go, but I’d be extremely concerned if I was a Palace fan, or a Jerk-loving fan of any other Premier League club. This is desperate from them, not just in terms of quality but intensity too.
56 min McBurnie replaces Robinson.
55 min Robinson is down having his left knee seen to which, by the looks of things, will get us a look at McBurnie; he’s stripped and ready to go.
54 min Zaha tricks his way past a foul or two on the left, seeking to inject some urgency, but eventually, crowded out, slices a shot wide.
52 min Lundstram has now scored in all four divisions of the league – what a great stat that is. And what a great advert this performance is for the standard outside the top one.
51 min As for United, they can either sit on their lead or seek another; I think we know which option they’ll choose, eh?
49 min Palace needed to up it before, but now they’re a goal down and the crowd are on a buzz, can they find something?
GOAL! Sheffield United 1-0 Crystal Palce (Lundstram 47)
The overlapping centre-back does it again! O’Connell glides down the left like a fairy elephant and moves the ball inside to Stevens, who finds Freeman with a lovely twizzle around the corner, back outside. His pass across the face is a clever one, so though it fails to find Robinson, it forces Guaita to dive and shove out ... directly into the path of Lundstram, who steadies himself before snapping home the opener, and don’t Blades deserve it!
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47 min I didn’t see loads of United last term, but I’m impressed with how confidently they move the ball in and out of the back.
46 min So have Palace changed anything? They need to get Zaha on the ball - perhaps he should have a jaunt out wide - and get some crosses into Benteke.
46 min We go again!
Half-time entertainment...
Half-time: Sheffield United 0-0 Crystal Palace
United had by far the better of that and missed as gaping a chance as they could possibly have wished for. They’ll need to step it up in the second half, because Palace can’t be as docile again.
45+2 min I wonder if Palace will change anything at half-time, because they’re creating very little and threatening ever less.
45 min There’ll be three added minutes.
43 min It’s hard to see United creating a better chance than that, but on the other hand they now know that they can create one as good as that. It really was a lovely cross too, snaking a line of best fit; Baldock has looked a threat all afternoon, and getting him the ball should be a principal plan.
42 min WHAT A MISS! Mal Aanholtini classily brings the ball away, except Baldock robs him, exchanges passes with Robinson, and arcs a glorious between keeper and defence; at the far post, McGoldrick can’t miss! All he has to do is tap home ... except he somehow shins clinically into Guaita’s midriff! Dearie him!
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42 min I was looking forward to seeing Meyer today, but he’s barely had a kick.
40 min Bit of possession for Palace, who get it into Benteke on the edge of the box, but Zaha is on his heels when the poke-back comes and United clear away.
38 min Norwood and Lundstram out-battle Milivojevic and the ball breaks to Freeman, who leathers a first-time shot ... into the nearest defender.
37 min Freeman’s made a good start here - he’s always looking to move the ball forward, and quickly.
36 min Milivojevic looks mean as he takes command of the situation, then drives the ball straight into the wall like he intended that all along.
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35 min Egan goes in late on Townsend, giving Palace a free-kick 25 yards from goal, right of centre...
32 min Lovely from Freeman, drilling a luscious ball over the top for Robinson. He can smell the defender behind him, so takes a swipe and fails to connect properly, but that switch of play was very nice.
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32 min Of course, the worry for United is if Zaha does something brilliant, and for a second he looks to have isolated Basham, who sees him away pretty well.
30 min United knock it about at the back for a bit, like 80s Liverpool with a 1-0 lead and George Courtney refereeing. They look really composed, but and the likelier of the two teams – they seem to have more ideas as to how they might score, even if they don’t much like they will score.
28 min Fleck is down with what looks like cramp, but it can’t be. He accepts treatment then slowly walks off – it’s his knee, I reckon – and Luke Freeman, newly arrived from QPR, replaces him.
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26 min United try the old Anderton-Sheringham corner, clipped to a man in line with the near post – I think it’s O’Connell – but he doesn’t get hold of his shot, which is kicked clear.
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25 min Blades are coming! McGoldrick puls right and lays off to Baldock, who swings over another nice cross; it’s nodded clear, then Norwood smashes a shot into some nearby shins and the ball flies over.
23 min Stevens lashes a shot goalwards and it hits Joel Ward on an arm that’s folded tight to his body; the ref says no pen and so do the others refs. “V-A-R! V-A-R!” chant the crowd. I expletive despair.
22 min Palace win another corner, which Milivojevic drills to the bear post; it looks dangerous, but it’s well cleared by Baldock (I think).
20 min Zaha wins a corner down the left, which Milivojevic takes ... and Henderson flies out his goal to punch clear. He does not lack for confidence and will, I think, develop into a serious keeper.
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19 min “Not sure how long you’ve been nursing that one or why it has any relevance to a game between the Blades and Palace,” emails Richard Harris, “but I think the main beef was about West Ham having two players – Tevez and Mascherano – who had third party owners and shouldn’t have been allowed to play. Tevez scored the winner against the supposedly weakened United didn’t he?”
Yes, there was also complaining about that, Cuz. I know exactly how long I’ve been nursing it because I know exactly when it happened – 13 May 2007 – and the reason it’s relevant now is that it was the last time Blades played a game in the top division.
18 min United are neat and tidy in possession, but might perhaps move it a little quicker - perhaps they will as they settle.
16 min Zaha gets away down the left, but a heavy touch sees him run straight into Basham, who clears. There’s a lot of toil here, but not so much of anything else.
14 min Palace knock it about briefly but United are onto them quickly. You can tell by the runs they make how settled they are - the question is whether they can find the necessary quality to survive.
12 min Ward gets himself down the right, linking up with Townsend before larruping a cross over the bar.
10 min The cross goes to the back post, where Egan heads wide.
10 min Baldock gets down the right and cuts inside, curling in a decent cross which Kelly nuts behind.
8 min Lundstram is late on Zaha, so is booked.
7 min I’d like to get something off my chest: last time Sheffield United were in the Premier League, Neil Warnock chastised Alex Ferguson for picking a weakened team for Manchester United’s final game of the season, which they lost to West Ham, sending the Blades down. United were already league champions and had the FA Cup final to come, but that side was: Van der Sar, O’Shea, Brown, Heinze, Evra (Giggs 57), Solskjaer, Carrick (Scholes 58), Fletcher, Richardson, Smith (Ronaldo 58), Rooney. Meanwhile, when Warnock’s team came to Old Trafford in the league, he picked an under-strength side on the basis that their first XI would likely lose anyway.
5 min Zaha leaps to flick on and O’Connell, perhaps still groggy, allows the ball across his body; Benteke nips onto it and drives low towards the near post, where Henderson saves.
5 min Nice from Norwood, who breaks up a Palace attack and strides forward ... until McArthur hauls him down.
3 min O’Connell feels the blunt side of Benteke’s head, which he nuts with respectable force. There’s a recess while he receives treatment.
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2 min There’s a decent row in the ground, but that Allez Allez Allez song, currently getting an airing, is one of the worst I’ve ever heard. Whatever happened to originality?
1 min Right away, United press high and McGoldrick wins a throw deep inside the Palace half. They get it away, but that was a statement of intent from the home side.
1 min Off we go!
Chris Wilder is wearing a gilet. Game’s gone.
Ashley Cole just used the word “tumped” on live TV. We are back in good old 1995!
Here they come!
Is Tasty Jerk, next door to Slehurst Park, the greatest football eating place? Shout also to the Vine, near the Hawthorns.
It’s warming up at Bramall Lane, and the players are tunnelled...
“I think there will be many more penalties in the coming season, not just because of VAR, but also because of the rule changes,” says Jon. “Some forwards will deliberately start kicking the ball at any loose defender hands and arms in the area. VAR will also cause minor fouls off the ball to be punished, such as Bayern’s penalty yesterday.”
Yes, agreed – though isn’t the rule change because of VAR? As far as the second element goes, I’d change the penalty law entirely: if an infringement denies a goalscoring opportunity anywhere on the pitch, penalty; in an infringement in the box doesn’t deny a goalscoring opportunity, direct free-kick.
Graeme Souness loves Zaha. I wonder how the rest of his career will pan out – he has the talent to play in the Champions League, but Palace can afford to price him out of moves. That’s got to be annoying, but on the plus side, he’s still handy for Tasty Jerk.
Roy Hodgson says Wilfried Zaha has trained well and that his team need to match United for heart and aggression while remaining calm. He’s looking forward to the atmosphere.
He also says that you need to get bodies out wide to counter United’s overlapping centre-backs – how they combat the inherent problems with the 3-5-2- formation – and that they can’t be in two places at once, which leaves them vulnerable to the counter.
Brian Deane is wearing a light brown three-piece suit – from Burton or River Island, I trust. It’s like the 90s never ended.
Sky’s interviewer just asked Chris Wilder where his head was at. Naturally, he responded with “GOT A TEXT!” so she told him to “stop being so muggy.”
“I’ve been thinking there might actually be more penalties this season,” emails Patrick Cullen, “due to the use of VAR. Can I take it you disagree, or will Palace be using a different penalty taker?”
That’s a good point. I’m sure Palace will be sticking with their man, but perhaps he might do as well for the reason you give.
And I say that as someone who doesn’t like 3-5-2 on the basis that you can’t just forget about the corners of the pitch if you want to be good. But if you want to make it difficult, that’s a different thing.
A hypothesis: for a team seeking to survive, 3-5-2 is the best formation. They don’t get outnumbered in midfield, they’ve got two strikers to take advantage of any attacking aggro they can cause, and the men to defend the box. If a team is good enough to go around the sides and between wing-back and centre-back, so be it.
Funnily enough, the Shamen perpetrated one of my linguistic hates, in Ebeneezer Goode. This verse is an absolute bazzer ... except for the bit where “mischievous” becomes “mischievious”.
“You can see that he’s mischievous, mysterious and devious
When he circulates amongst the people in the place
But once you know he’s fun, and something of a genius
He gives a grin that goes around from face to face to face
Backwards and then forwards, forwards and then backwards
‘Eezer is the geezer who loves to muscle in
That’s about the time the crowd all shout the name of ‘Eezer
As he’s kotcheled in the corner, laughing by the bass bin.”
“Are we to expect The Shamen and the Sky Strikers at half-time,” wonders Gary Naylor. Mr C is busy, so I believe they’ve hired Marcus Brigstocke.
Sky have just shown some of this little ripper (yes, caveats, but a ripper nonetheless).
Simple enough teams, then: United are unchanged, while Palace bring back Zaha, who replaces Ayew.
T'teams
Sheffield United (an unarguable 3-5-2): Henderson; Basham, Egan, O’Connell; Baldock, Lundstram, Norwood, Fleck, Stevens; McGoldrick, Robinson. Subs: Moore, Jagielka, Osborn, Besic, Sharp, McBurnie, Freeman.
Crystal Palace (a Paulo Coelho-influenced 4-4-2): Guaita; Ward, Kelly, Dann, Van Aanholt; Townsend, McArthur, Milijoevic, Meyer; Benteke, Zaha. Subs: Hennessey, Cahill, Schlupp, McCarthy, Kouyate, Wickham, Ayew.
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Preamble
Football is about so many things beyond football that to bang on about football sometimes feels gauche. Most of the time, the 90 minutes are a disappointment, and we don’t keep coming back on the off-chance that this time they won’t be.
As such, how well a team does or doesn’t do isn’t the most important thing about it, so to chunter about Sheffield United finally being back in the Premier League is to ignore the multitude of other things going on, both at Bramall Lane and elsewhere. Except Sheffield United being back in the Premier League is a huge deal, and today is a huge fixture.
Like most promoted sides, their principal goal is to avoid relegation, and Billy Sharp’s late equaliser last weekend earned them a crucial point in that regard. Now, this week, they have a home fixture which comes with its own cliche: “The kind of game you have to win if you want to stay up”.
They’ve a decent chance of doing it. Chris Wilder clearly knows something, and because he has kept faith with the players who achieved promotion, his team are grooved and confident. They know what they’re doing, and trust themselves to pull it off effectively.
Palace, meanwhile, look a little wobbly. Though they opened the season with a creditable goalless draw against Everton, over the summer they lost Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Wilfried Zaha, their two best players, physically and spiritually respectively – so need to find a quick solution.
Chances are, Zaha will quickly revert to his old self, but Roy Hodgson’s back four has the aroma of Nationwide, and it seems unlikely that Luka Milivojevic, last season’s top scorer, might again be afforded the 10 penalties which made that happen. Defeat today will say very bad things about their prospects.
Kick-off: 2pm BST
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