SHEARER/OWEN
We’d all like to bring back the 90s. The Fiver was only a twinkle in a web developer’s eye back then, but it would have been nice to see what all the fuss was about. About a year ago the 90s were apparently back “in” and why not? This tea-timely email always thought it’d look good with curtains and wouldn’t mind finding out what an Aftershock tastes like. Sadly that’s a word appropriate to the day’s major ruction on Social Media Disgrace Twitter. Think fondly of those balmy summer nights during France 98, when Britannia was cool? Hold that thought because – in a development entirely appropriate to the wider news cycle – the climate two decades on has become decidedly stormy.
Alan Shearer and Michael Owen have morphed from fresh-faced bearers of a country’s dreams to persuasive arguments for a more prominent mute button. If all publicity is good publicity then we can expect Owen’s new book to soar up the charts when it comes out on Friday; as it is, the escalating feud between the former Newcastle centre-forwards is evolving very much in real time, so excuse us if we missed a bit. “Perhaps rather than examine his own shortcomings, it felt easier to blame Michael Owen,” Owen had third-personed to a ghostwriter. He was referring to the end of the 2008-09 season, when Shearer couldn’t keep Newcastle up and – according to Owen – cast doubts on his assertion that he wasn’t fully fit for the relegation decider at Aston Villa, suggesting he might have been eyeing his next payday. “Sadly, this feud has continued to the present day,” Owen chirped. “The more I think about it, the more I understand why Alan behaves the way he does and continues to spread negativity about me whenever he can.”
Surely Shearer was well equipped to take a childish jibe in his stride? Displaying deft-cutting room skills as well as a disturbing aptitude for digging out past bons mots, Big Al took to the social stage with a clip of Owen baring his soul in a TV studio last season. “All I did for the last six, seven years of my career, I hated it. I couldn’t wait to retire for most of the back end of my career,” he parped, Shearer captioning it with: “Yes Michael, we thought that also, whilst on £120k a week …” Checkmate? Not a bit of it. Owen had mud of his own freshly prepared, and fling it he did. “Not sure you are as loyal to Newcastle as you make out mate,” he honked, fingers no doubt struggling to keep up with the giddy excitement of getting this pearler on record. “I distinctly remember you being inches away from signing for Liverpool after Sir Bobby Robson put you on the bench. You tried everything to get out.”
Not quite the Gallagher brothers, but still. At this point a ding-dong between England’s old striking master and apprentice might have seemed a bit rich for everyone’s blood. So stand by for a positively gout-inducing intervention by their grandfather in goalscoring lineage, Gary Lineker, who weighed in with an “Awkward” and a laugh-crying emoji that didn’t exactly lighten the mood. “Are you surprised he’s manipulated a tiny part of an honest answer to aim a cheap dig at me? Most ex-players I’ve spoken to aren’t,” continued Owen, by now seemingly happy to drag in whoever he jolly-well wanted. Even Henry Winter sidled in. “Their dispute demeans both, demeans Newcastle and demeans England,” he Helen Lovejoyed. “Please get together, sort your differences and call a truce.” The Fiver still has its popcorn at the ready and nervously awaits the shattering of more sepia-tinted dreams …
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“To be in the top 1% you have to be prepared to do what 99% of the rest won’t do. In my line of work I know nobody even comes near. Not everything in life is black and white and you have to be able to adapt and roll with the punches. Now Bobby Duncan has the opportunity to live and experience something not many young English players have done. That’s what leaders do” – Saif Rubie, the new Fiorentina forward’s understated Mr 15%, after that transfer from Liverpool.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … the Premier League story so far. You can also get your own copy.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly be here now. Meanwhile, the live shows are heading to Manchester and Leeds.
FIVER LETTERS
“I finally followed your link and read Big Website’s comprehensive list of summer transfers from Europe’s top five leagues. While I appreciated your summary of certain major moves (yesterday’s Fiver), how could you have missed Augsburg’s recent acquisition, via loan from Leverkusen, of defender Tin Jedvaj? Moreover, why didn’t you buy Mr Jedvaj yourselves? I don’t know what the transfer budget is at Fiver Towers FC, but I’d have thought Tin would have filled most of your squad’s pressing needs” – R Reisman.
“So, Noble Francis is a fan of a recital of classical music (yesterday’s Fiver letters)? An increasingly expensive form of entertainment out of the financial reach of the working classes, he was probably glad of the break from the Premier League to attend the Proms” – Keiron Fulop.
“Unlike Noble Francis, I am a relatively unreconstructed and uncultured so and so. Rather than journey from the south coast to Manchester and watch the City match at the weekend, I drove to a popular Swedish store to buy felt pads to protect my floors. Consequently I travelled a long way for something that started off quite promising, yet in the end got cut to pieces and has ended up near the bottom of the table. Perhaps I should’ve gone to see Brighton instead?” – Tony Crawford.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Greater Manchester police have started a fraud inquiry which is believed to be into the crisis that led to Bury’s expulsion from the Football League.
Alexis Sánchez insists he has no regrets about his underwhelming time at Old Trafford. “I’m very happy I went to Manchester United,” cheered the Chilean, who has reportedly been trousering a cool £400,000 a week for his troubles.
Spurs’ Christian Eriksen wishes he had more control of his future after missing out on a move to Spain this summer. “I wish I could decide myself, like you can do in Football Manager, but I can’t do that sadly,” he sighed.
PSG procured Mauro Icardi late on Monday night, wrapping up a season’s loan from Inter. “I am going to give my heart and soul to help my new team go as far as possible in all the competitions,” he tooted.
And eight countries are still in the bidding contest to host the 2023 Women’s World Cup, after Belgium and Bolivia withdrew. The eight are Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Japan, New Zealand, South Africa, South Korea and flamin’ Straya.
STILL WANT MORE?
Suzanne Wrack assesses the state of the women’s game in England.
On Graeme Souness. By Sachin Nakrani.
David Luiz and Arsenal’s new defensive chaos. By David Hytner.
What next for Neymar and PSG, ponders Adam White.
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