I am 28 and have been with my partner for 12 years. When we have sex, it doesn’t arouse me: it feels awkward and sometimes hurts, unless I’ve had a glass of wine or two! It might sound cruel, but I don’t enjoy anything he does. He has admitted to masturbating daily because he is sexually frustrated. We are buying a house and plan to get married. We have spoken about this often, so I need to try something else.
It is not unusual for a person to engage in daily masturbation, even while in a fulfilling relationship. This is the least of your problems. Do you actually want a marriage to someone with whom you would rather not be intimate? Are you really thinking about what it would be like to always have to use alcohol to make sex palatable?
I urge you to reevaluate your situation. You need to seek answers to a fundamental question. Why is sex with your fiance so unappealing? I understand that this may be the only sexual relationship you have had, but it would be more than reasonable to expect better. Your low sexual interest may be due to a definable sexual disorder (such as dyspareunia) or to physical or psychological issues; if so, it would be wise to discover this now and undergo treatment to correct it. Enduring long-term painful or unpleasant sex – even with someone you like for other reasons – is likely to create insurmountable resentment, depression and despair. Don’t do it.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
