It’s official: Britain’s love of/problem with alcohol goes all the way into the workplace. A recent survey of over 2,600 workers revealed that 85% of them have been drunk at work in the past year. Rather than lecture drunken Britain on matters of health, safety and professionalism, I thought I’d suggest a few ways you can use your love of booze to get to the top. Drinking makes you feel all kinds of things – things that can be put to good use in the boardroom or at the water cooler. So here are seven ways to succeed while being drunk at work.
1. Use your new-found wit to win friends and influence people
It may be 10.30am not 10.30pm, but you’ve had a couple of cocktails on the bus into work and you’re feeling positively Wildean. Don’t hide those quips under a bushel! You’d better believe your line manager wants to hear your impression of what it’d be like if Woody Allen was in Brokeback Mountain. And once you’ve done that, your bit about “peg-leg Clegg” looking for a new job will have everyone marvelling at how contemporary you keep it. Before you know it, your boss will put his arm around you, chuckle and say, “I like you kid, you’re going places”.
2. Impress everyone with feats of physical bravery
If you were sober, the thought of needless movement would have you drafting a letter of conscientious objection, but you’re three pints down and it’s not even lunchtime so brother, you feel like Hercules. “Stand aside,” you bellow as the weak drones you call your co-workers retreat into the shadows, gasping in awe as you fling your sweaty arms around the office photocopier, hauling it skywards with the kind of fervour that would have dazzled even Hercules’s faithful donkey.
3. Inspire trust with your confidence
You’ve had a few tequilas in the stairwell and you’re beginning to feel like Russell Brand at an all-female activist mixer. You could talk to anyone about anything. So at the big meeting coming up, make sure you shake everyone’s hand and look deep into their eyes because the kind of confidence you’re carrying right now could take you all the way to the major leagues.
4. Get the party started
It’s a Wednesday afternoon and everyone’s feeling tired and dejected. Luckily for them, you’ve been drinking vodka out of an Evian bottle for most of the day, which means you’re ready to party. Get your bangin’ playlist on at full volume and get up on your desk to dance. Everyone will be shy at first – they might seem a little irritated or even disgusted – but once you really commit, it’ll be like the final scene of Ferris Bueller and you’ll have become the indispensible fun champion of the office. You might even inspire a conga line around the office kitchen.
5. Sentimental bonding
Obviously drinking isn’t all about confidence and exuberance. Sometimes, things get a little maudlin. But rather than see that as an excuse to hide, you can use it to bond with your bosses on a deeper level. Go into one of their offices and open up about what’s on your mind. If you start weeping uncontrollably, don’t worry; this will only make you more human to them. And then, when you’ve finished, look up at them, tears streaming down your cheeks, and say, “I’m sure you know what I mean”. With any luck, they’ll open up and soon you’ll be weeping in each other’s arms as you begin to hint at what kind of promotion you’re going to get.
6. Focus on the bottom line
When it comes to making money, morality can be a real problem. Fortunately, your alcohol-dulled mind is ready to throw caution to the wind in the name of making that profit just a little larger. You’re prepared to do things your sober colleagues wouldn’t even think of doing, and it’s that kind of booze-fuelled recklessness that’ll make you a hero in Cameron’s Britain.
7. Power naps
It’s hard to maintain that cutting edge when you’ve spent your lunch break sipping red wine out of a plastic thermos in the back of a Pret but don’t worry, we live in an edge of mindfulness and power napping. Tell your colleagues that the best way to achieve results is to intermittently rest the brain. Then settle down at your desk and spend the next four hours snoring loudly into what everyone assumes is a half-drunk mocha, but is in fact a Baileys and coke.
