Seth Meyers
Seth Meyers tore into 20 years of American foreign policy and its forever wars in the Middle East on Wednesday evening, days after the Taliban took over most of Afghanistan as American troops withdrew. For two decades, “our government has hidden the truth of what was really happening from the American public”, the Late Night host said, citing a bombshell 2019 Washington Post report on the Afghanistan Papers, which found American officials knew the mission was a failure and concealed it.
“Every time someone suggested withdrawing, the military-industrial complex and foreign policy elite kept insisting that if we only gave them just a few more months, they could finally turn things around,” he continued. “It’s kind of like how as a kid you’d tell your parents you’d return the movie you rented from Blockbuster tomorrow because you hadn’t finished it yet, and then they’d ask you the next day, and you tell them you just have to watch the last 20 minutes, and then the next thing you know, you’re 47 years old and owe Blockbuster $60,000 in late fees for a VHS copy of The Prince of Tides.
“There was never a good time to withdraw,” Meyers added, “which is why no president before Biden was willing to do it, kind of like how there’s never a good time at a pool party to tell someone you can see their ass crack. No one wants to be the guy who interrupts pool volleyball to say, ‘Hey, Dave, pull up your swimsuit.’
“And that’s how forever wars happen,” he said. “The people in charge just keep asking for a little more time to turn things around and then, next thing you know, it’s been 20 years and you’ve been in Afghanistan longer than it takes for George RR Martin to come up with a new Game of Thrones book.”
Meyers also blasted the blame game pursued by former members of George W Bush’s administration, such as the former deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, the “architect of the presidency that brought us some of the most horrific foreign policy debacles in American history” and who blamed Biden for the Taliban’s takeover on Fox News.
“Maybe next time we could ask the dudes at [the] Sturgis [motorcycle rally] for some tips on Covid prevention and noise reduction,” Meyers joked. “Seriously, do you have no shame at all?”
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert took a break from Afghanistan news on Wednesday evening for the not quite lighter subject of coronavirus anti-vaxxers. The Late Show host played clips from a San Diego board of supervisors meeting, in which participants raved about coronavirus vaccines, the safest and most effective tool against the virus.
“We should not be spending our time here and our life force energy fighting people who lack critical thinking common sense, yet want to push a vaccine on us,” one man said. “You know what’s funny? Saturn is in the same place as it was during the American Revolution in 1776 and YOU are the redcoats!”
“That is the most insane thing I have ever seen or heard,” Colbert responded. “Saturn is not responsible for the American Revolution! Mars is. Think about it: red coats, red planet. If you don’t get that, you’re clearly a Libra.”
In other California news, Governor Gavin Newsom could be unseated in a recall election with confusing rules: he stays if he gets 50% or more of the votes, but if Newsom gets 49% or less, then California’s new governor will be whoever among his 46 challengers gets the most votes, even if no rival gets a majority.
One of the leading challengers is a 29-year-old YouTube influencer, Kevin Paffrath, whose platform Colbert summed up as: “What up, Cali, what kind of policies do you want to see me enact? Hit me up in the comments! Like and subscribe, byeeee.’”
Meanwhile, candidate John Cox was served legal papers by the San Diego superior court during the middle of a Republican debate, which marks “the most embarrassing delivery in a debate since Abraham Lincoln ordered takeout”, Colbert joked.
Jimmy Fallon
And on the Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon discussed United Airlines’ instruction to employees not to use duct tape with unruly passengers, as one Frontier flight attendant did this month after a passenger groped and assaulted crew during flight. “Flight attendants heard and were like, ‘OK, Tasers it is,’” Fallon joked.
“That’s right, United isn’t allowed to use duct tape, while passengers on Frontier Airlines will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter.
“According to the memo, United is against using duct tape unless it’s holding up one of their engines. That’s where they draw the line,” he added.
And the tissue used by Lionel Messi during his tearful press conference to announce his departure from Barcelona is being sold for $1m. “You know we’re living in troubled times when someone pays a million dollars for a used tissue during a pandemic,” said Fallon.
