Photograph: Shannon Selim/Stocksy United
1 You scream at the floorboards
It was cute when you moved in, wasn’t it? That one squeaky little floorboard that greeted you in the morning as you climbed out of bed. Adorable! But, much like that old housemate who chews too loudly, you’re totally over your home’s annoying habits. Is it too much to ask for to go get a cup of coffee without being squeaked at, goddammit?
2 You dread the weekends
Every weekend is another weekend when you were definitely going to paint the kitchen – and now look, it’s Saturday again and you haven’t even bought the paint. But what exactly IS the difference between Antique White, Brilliant White and White Mist? And, wait, do you want matte or gloss? And what the hell is emulsion and primer? Look at those colour sample charts sitting over there on the counter, mocking you from across the room. Go throw them in the bin and have some fun instead. But before you do, can you find out if Egyptian Cotton White is that different from Cotton White?
3 The neighbours are too nice
You have a neighbour who constantly talks to you in the street. Every day you get a cheery wave and an invite for coffee or a barbecue. Who does that? Who is that friendly? At least once a week you have to throw yourself behind a sofa to pretend you’re not in because she wants to see how you are. It’s terrible! All right, it’s probably not the worst thing in the world, but maybe it’s not a bad time to see how much your place might be worth on Zoopla’s My Home.
4 Jogging has become interval training
How is anyone meant to build up their running stamina when they’re constantly having to stop at houses with For Sale signs to check the price on Zoopla? But ooh, isn’t that house reasonable? And isn’t this a nice area! Think of all the jogging you’d be inspired to do if you lived here. But then you probably wouldn’t because actually you’re realising that jogging is quite boring, and where’s this “runner’s high” everyone goes on about, because all you feel is an intense craving for croissants? (Have you considered tennis?)
5 You dream of gnomes
Sure, that plant you keep alive by holding it out of your flat window for an hour a day is doing OK, but how you dream of a proper garden. Imagine: a patch of grass to call your own. There might even be flowers and a shed! And visits to garden centres! You could start your own gardening Instagram account, instead of envy-following everyone else’s! And if you are going down the gnome route, can we suggest a zombie gnome? They’re great for scaring away that too-nice neighbour.
6 You’ve named your dogs Phil and Kirstie
OK, they’re nice names, but what made you think of them? It’s not really because you knew a Kirstie in primary school, is it? And it’s definitely not in honour of your old housemate Phil, the one who chewed too loudly. Also, while we’re here, how do you explain your cat, Sarah Beeny? Let’s all just be honest with each other, shall we? You’re obsessed with property shows, there’s no shame in it. But you can’t call a cat Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, it’s just not practical.
7 You love your parents, but could they just … not pop over so often?
Of course it helps that they’re around to babysit if you need them to, or otherwise just to help out with the odd job around the house – but seriously, it wouldn’t be the worst thing if they could just give you a bit of notice before they turn up next time. Maybe putting a bit of extra distance between you and them, even a short car or bus ride, could be a blessing in disguise.
8 Your guest room is more like a shrine to the kids
Or perhaps you’ve got the opposite problem? Your kids flew the coop some time ago, left you all the assorted paraphernalia of their teenage years and have proudly left every trophy and embarrassing holiday photo of theirs on display in what is now your spare room. But this might be a sign that it’s time to let go – your kids know that they’ll always have somewhere to stay no matter where you’re living, so give yourself permission to declutter, pack up their stuff and start looking on Zoopla for somewhere that better suits your current needs.
9 Even lightbulbs seem like too much effort
Ugh, all the lightbulbs need changing at this point – you’re basically living in darkness. And that shelf needs to go up. And that door needs oiling because the handle always gets stuck. And the bathroom tap is still leaking. Oh, and is that damp in the wardrobe, or just a bit of mildew? Bleugh, it all seems like too much effort. Wouldn’t it be easier to just move house?
Check My Home on Zoopla to see if it’s time to sell
