Peep! Peep! Peeeeeep! It’s all over. England prevail 3-1on a night of largely awful football in which they were clearly the better of two technically inept teams. Their third goal was excellent, mind - try to have a look at it if you can.
The first half was entertaining enough, while the second was listless until Andy Robertson applied the defibrillator paddles in the 82nd minute. Neither manager will have learned much this evening, although as Barney Ronay has pointed out, some of England’s younger players will have learned what it’s like to play in front of a crowd of drunk morons chanting about the IRA to the accompaniment of a very annoying band.
Quite what use such an experience will be to any of them is a mystery, although it would probably have been easier to send them to a Wolfe Tones gig.
Updated
90+2 min: On the edge of the England penalty area, Stevie May attempts to get in behind Phil Jagielka and chase down a probing Andy Robertson pass from deep. He clips the England defender and concedes a corner.
Updated
90 min: Scotland win a free-kick to the left of the England penalty area. Barry Bannan sends the ball towards the far post, where Darren Fletcher attempts to return it across the face of goal. Raheem Sterling clears.
89 min: Scotland look chastened after that swift and brutal slap-down in the face of their impertinence.
87 min: England substitution: Jack Wilshere off, Ross Barkley on.
GOAL! England 3-1 Scotland (Rooney 85)
Adam Lallana squares the ball, cutting it back from the byline after good work down the right by England. Wayne Rooney is on hand to rifle home from about eight yards out. Lambert and Milner combined well down the right, before Lallana picked out his skipper who fired home from the near post.
Updated
GOAL! Scotland 1-2 England (Robertson 82)
Andy Robertson drives through the penalty area and tucks the ball into the bottom left-hand corner after a one-two with Russell.
Updated
83 min: Andy Robertson plays in Johnny Russell, who’s just come on for Shaun Maloney. He blast the ball across the face of goal.
I do feel sorry for the poor sods who've paid £60 to hear drunk men droning on about the IRA while an idiot bangs a drum. Worst gig ever
— Barney Ronay (@barneyronay) November 18, 2014
80 min: England substitution: Rickie Lambert comes on for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.
79 min: England corner. The ball’s sent towards the near post, where Craig Gordon punches clear.
78 min: A Jack Wilshere shot from distance takes a big touch off Russell Martin and goes out for an England corner. The referee awards a goal kick. Even he’s given up.
75 min: “I like the body language from the England players,” writes Harry Tuttle. “Lots of hard stares, players staying on their feet after hard challenges. There’s a basic aggression here that compensates for our lack of technical skill. Why can’t we show this kind of swagger when our opponents are actually, you know, famous and stuff?”
75 min: Clyne charges forward from the England right-back position ... drops anchor at the halfway line, turns and passes the ball inside.
72 min: Scotland win a corner, when Milner flicks the ball wide of his own goal after industrious scurrying from Stevie May. The ball’s swung in to the mixer, where Steven Naismith heads over the bar.
68 min: As is customary with meaningless friendlies, even much-hyped meaningless friendlies that are supposed to have plenty of needle, the game has become rather turgid in the wake of these mass substitutions. There’s nothing of note to report: lots of half-hearted huffing and puffing, with England keeping Scotland well under the cosh.
67 min: In unrelated news, it seems that Liverpool striker Daniel Sturridge has broken down in training with a recurrence of the thigh injury that’s kept him out for modst of this season.
65 min: England substitutions: Luke Shaw off, Kieran Gibbs on. Danny Welbeck off, Raheem Sterling on. Scotland substitution: Grant Hanley off, Stevie May from Sheffield Wednesday on for his debut.
62 min: Good news for Arsenal fans: it looks as if Danny Welbeck is about to go off with a hamstring injury. He’s made to wait and continue running around, as on the bench Raheem Sterling isn’t anywhere near ready to come on. Maintaining the long tradition of football substitutes everywhere, he foosters around with his shin pads and jersey, as if it’s come as a complete shock to him that he might have to ... y’know, play.
60 min: Scotland substitution: Ikechi Anya off, Barry Bannan on. He immediately signals to Shaun Maloney that they’re to switch wings.
58 min: Scotland are being completely over-run at home by a fairly average side at the moment and Gordon Strachan is looking very fed up on the bench. Why couldn’t they play this badly against the Republic of Ireland on Friday?
55 min: Brilliant block from Milner by - I think - Mulgrew as the Manchester City player shot low and hard from just outside the Scotland penalty area. Well, I thought it was impressive, but the TV producer doesn’t even deem it worthy of a replay.
54 min: Rooney tries to square the ball from the left side of the Scotland penalty area, but there’s nobody at the near post to mount a goal threat.
50 min: Russell Martin tries to get a header on goal from a Scotland free-kick, but Forster tips the ball over.
49 min: Moments before that goal, Charlie Mulgrew was booked for a body-check on Alex Oxlade Chamberlain as he galloped up the right flank. Scotland failed to clear the ball from the Milner free-kick and the ball pinged around the area before being presented to Rooney, who did well to get enough power on it to beat Gordon.
GOAL! Scotland 0-2 England (Rooney 47|)
Wayne Rooney latches on to an accidental assist from Charlie Mulgrew, from whose foot the ball ricocheted up in the air as he stabbed at it to clear the ball. From six yards out, Rooney makes no mistake, sending a meaty header past Craig Gordon, whose return to the Scotland ranks from several years out injured, has gone pear-shaped very quickly.
Second half: Scotland kick off, with Darren Fletcher, James Morrison and Craig Gordon on for David Marshall, Scott Brown and ... I’m guessing, Charlie Mulgrew. England have brought on Adam Lallana and Phill Jagielka for Stewart Downing and - I think - Gary Cahill.
Some analysis from Gareth Beale: “No denying that it was a great cross from Wilshere, but I suspect the Ox did not catch it quite how he intended,” he says. “The movement of his head and the follow through suggest he expected to get a bit more meat on it rather than the glancing touch he got, so it was on target more by luck than judgement.”
Harsh criticism there, from the Real Madrid winger. Oh.
Half-time: The players from both teams troop off at half-time with England nursing a one-goal league. The quality of football from both teams has been largely atrocious, but it’s been reasonably entertaining thus far. Expect all that to change when 12 substitutions are made in the second half.
Updated
45 min: The England band strike up a chorus of God Save The Queen, which is drowned out by boos. Chris Martin is penalised for backing into “Gary Cahill, but doesn’t see Yellow.
43 min: A trip by Downing on Maloney gets Scotland a free-kick in the centre-circle. They advance and win another free-kick wide on the left. Shaun Maloney sends the ball into the penalty area, where England break on the counter only to have their attack break down due to another rogue pass.
42 min: Steven Naismith picks out Shaun Maloney after good work down the left from Scotland. From tow or three yards outside the England penalty area, Maloney shanks the ball ridiculously high and wide, incurring his manager’s wrath in the process.
39 min: There’s a bit of needle between Wayne Rooney and Scott Brown. Nothing comes of it.
35 min: A poor first touch from James Milner on the edge of the Scotland penalty area ruins his shooting opportunity, so he drives the ball low and hard towards Danny Welbeck instead. Not expecting the pass, he miscontrols the ball about 10 yards from goal and Scotland clear. It\’s an entertaining game, as friendlies go, but the standard of football is appalling. Neither team seems to be showing the slightest interest in holding on to the ball.
33 min: That was a clever goal from about seven yards out for Oxlade Chamberlain. The cross came in from deep and he stole between Grant Hanley and Andrew Robertson and sort of helped it along its way past Marshall with a cushioned header. The pass from Wilshere was excellent.
Updated
GOAL! Scotland 0-1 England (Chamberlain 32)
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain splits the centre-back and left-back to nod a perfectly weighted (at last!) long diagonal pass from Jack Wilshere past David Marshall and just inside the left upright. England have the lead at Celtic Park.
Updated
31 min: Milner plays the ball wide to Oxlade-Chamberlain on the right touchline. His cross is cleared by Chris Martin, who could hardly be further back helping out in defence.
30 min: Scott Brown catches James Milner with a late challenge.
29 min: Another wayward, overhit pass, this time as Alex Oxlade Chamberlain attempts to play the ball down into the Scotland penalty area for Milner to chase. That’s awful. Weighting a fairly short pass properly can’t be as difficult as some of these players would have you believe.
26 min: Maloney gifts possession to England with a kamikaze attempt at a volleyed pass across the halfway line. Rooney charges forward with the ball at his feet and it’s left to Whittaker to avert the danger when the ball is fed to Welbeck.
24 min: Shaw walks off and then asks for permission to return to the field of play. It looks like he’s OK.
23 min: Nothing comes from the corner and England clear. Luke Shaw goes down injured after being caught late by Steven Naismith. Manchester United fans will be watching this through latticed fingers.
22 min: Anya torments Clyne down the left again. The England full-back blocks the cross, conceding another corner. Good play from both men.
19 min: Interestingly, the hideously divisive yet official England brass band have been jauntily providing fans with the pertinent soundtrack as they chant “Fuck the IRA”. That’s not ideal, is it?
Updated
17 min: So, the set piece. Mulgrew plays a reverse pass to Whittaker, who blasts the ball out for a corner off Jack Wilshere. Shaun Maloney whips it towards the near post. England finally clear their lines after being awarded a free-kick for a bit of a stramash between Maloney and Welbeck. The tackles haven’t been flying in at all, but the match does appear to have developed a certain edge in recent minutes.
16 min: Gary Cahill has a rush of blood to the head and grabs a handful of Chris Martin’s shirt as the ball is floated towards the England goal. Free-kick for Scotland in a promising position.
14 min: Welbeck attempts to play a ball through to the centre for Wayne Rooney to chase. The pass is too meaty and Rooney and the England captain makes little effort to disguise his irritation.
12 min: Shaun Maloney takes a shortish corner, rolling the ball diagonally to Steven Whittaker. Nobody in a white shirt bothers to charge his way and he shoots at his leisure from outside the area, only to see his shot blocked.
11 min: Anya wins a corner for Scotland, forcing Clyne to put the ball out of play as he takes him on down the left wing again.
Updated
10 min: Charlie Mulgrew plays a long diagonal ball over Luke Shaw’s head and into the corner. Steven Naismith sets off on a forlorn and futile chase.
9 min: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain plays a give and go to Jack Wilshere, before sprinting down the inside right to pick up the scooped up-and-under return pass. Wilshere puts too much welly on it and a promising attack breaks down as Marshall claims the ball.
7 min: Ikechi Anya does well to take the ball around Nathaniel Clyne and get down the touchline, before taking an excessively heavy touch and running the ball out of play.
6 min: The Scotland fans are certainly keeping up their end of the bargain, making plenty of noise to ensure a rocking atmosphere in Celtic Park. Their team are second best in the early stages, but launch an attack now.
Updated
4 min: Danny Welbeck shoots low and hard after running on to a Wayne Rooney pass out wide to the left from the centre. Bearing down on the Scotland penalty are, he shoots, but David Marshall gets down to save with his legs.
3 min: Wayne Rooney picks up the ball from Jack Wilshere and plays it on to Luke Shaw, who’s up on the overlap. He wins a corner for England. Stewart Downing sends an out-swinger into the penalty area, where an unmarked Gary Cahill leaps and heads narrowly wide.
Updated
1 min: A throw-in for Scotland, which Charlie Mulgrew takes. He receives a return pass and is promptly fouled by James Milner. Free-kick for Scotland, not far inside their own half.
1 min: Soundtracked by a chorus of boos, England kick off playing from right to left and immediately win a throw-in. Nathaniel Clyne takes it, just inside the Scotland half.
A minute’s applause: It’s for Scotland fan Nathan McSeveney, who died aged just 20, after falling down a stairwell at Celtic Park when he attended his country’s match against Ireland last weekend.
An appeal: Gordon Strachan appears to appeal to supporters and TV viewers to donate £5 to Unicef by texting KIT to 70333, to help beat Ebola. Every fiver donated will be matched by somebody or other, I didn’t hear who.
Flower of Scotland: If there’s any jeering of this from the away end, it’s drowned out by the sound of bagpipes and upwards of 50,000 Scotsman singing along in accompaniment.
Not long now: The teams line up in the tunnel, with England being led out by Wayne Rooney and Scott Brown doing the honours for Scotland. Both have their game faces on and there’s little or no interaction between the players of either side. Off they go, for the latest unfriendly between these two sides. The Proclaimers are replaced by Faithless’s Insomnia and a show of pyrotechnics. Then it’s time for God Save Our Queen, which is booed and jeered.
How many miles would you walk? The Proclaimers are blaring out over the PA and in the away end, England fans are clapping along in time, singing as loudly as their Scottish counterparts. Feel free to join in.
An email from Torbjorn Karlsen: “Busy week for Chris Martin what with Band Aid 30 one day and turning out for Scotland the next,” he says. “I guess there will be more than one player who’ll suffer a rush of blood to the head tonight.” Quite what his fellow angst-ridden crooner James Morrison makes of being left out of both remains to be seen.
An interesting moment: As the England team were walking the pitch upon their arrival, Jack Wilshere had a pair of earphones in as he sampled the atmosphere ... emanating from his generic listening device. England coach Gary Neville walked over and just yanked them out of his lug holes.
Scotland v England line-ups
Scotland: Marshall, Whittaker, Russell Martin, Hanley,
Robertson, Maloney, Mulgrew, Brown, Anya, Chris Martin,
Naismith.
Subs: Gordon, Bryson, Berra, Morrison, Bannan, Dorrans, Greer, Darren Fletcher, Burke, Russell, May, Macleod, Forsyth, Paterson, Gilks.
England: Forster, Clyne, Cahill, Smalling, Shaw, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Milner, Wilshere, Downing, Rooney, Welbeck.
Subs: Foster, Chambers, Henderson, Walcott, Jagielka, Gibbs,
Lambert, Sterling, Lallana, Barkley, Berahino.
Referee: Jonas Eriksson (Sweden)
Updated
Team news: Gordon Strachan has made just one change to the Scotland side that beat Ireland on Saturday. Chris Martin starts up front instead of Steven Fletcher, who hobbled off in that match. By contrast, Roy Hodgson has made, by my possibly incorrect estimation, six changes to the England starting line-up against Slovenia. Fraser Forster, Chris Smalling, Luke Shaw, James Milner, Stewart Downing, and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain all start tonight.
Team v Scotland: 1 Forster 2 Clyne 3 Shaw 4 Milner 5 Cahill 6 Smalling 7 Wilshere 8 Downing 9 Welbeck 10 Rooney (c) 11 Chamberlain #ScoEng
— England (@england) November 18, 2014
David Wall has a question: “With Alex Salmond supposed to be in attendance at Celtic Park, is there a risk that Gordon Strachan might follow the out-going First Minister’s commitment to accepting the result of the contest?” he asks. “If the national team are as successful as the National Party then we could be in for a long night.”
England’s players have just arrived at Celtic Park, to be greeted by boos as they alighted from the team bus. That’s boos, not booze, which would have been far more welcoming and friendly ... if a little inappropriate.
An email from Geof Walker: “The Scots fans and players may well be very keen on this fixture, but surely Hodgson will treat it as any other international friendly: a chance to give a run out to new players and try new formations,” he says. “In the limited opportunities he has in the international calendar it would be irresponsible not to.
“I expect a cautious performance from England with no one wanting to get injured and massive substitutions in the second half. Given that in modern football the weaker team almost always breaks down under pressure in the second half, I don’t expect much of a match. Still heading to the pub in my corner of the Algarve.”
Thanks to David Russell, who has just tweeted to point out that the lyric on the Scottish half of the “together in friendship” scarf is from a song that many believe to be about Scots getting executed after show trials in London following the Jacobite Uprising of 1745. Together in friendship, indeed.
That’s better. I’ve changed the main photo on this report to something less terrifying. Just so you know, those half-and-half scarves aren’t exactly half-and-half. The Scotland end occupies 44.70% of the fabric, while the England end takes up 55.30%.
Formal apologies. I would like to state for the record that the selection of a photograph of a Scotland-England half-and-half scarf with which to illustrate this report was nothing to do with me. I’m getting upset just looking at the aberration of neck-wear. Who would wear such a thing? Who would want such a thing? Who would willingly pay their own money to own such a thing?
Recommended reading: If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend a perusal of my colleague Daniel Taylor’s pre-match webchat, which he conducted this afternoon. I found his description of the manner in which England’s footballers are “mollycoddled” and surrounded by jobsworth security staff, PR flaks and other lackeys who attend to their every need to be quite telling, if not surprising. Is it any wonder they find it difficult to perform at major tournaments when the environment in which they’re expected to live and perform is so, well ... weird?
Updated
Good evening everybody. Welcome to our minute-by-minute report of tonight’s friendly between Scotland and England. There might be nothing at stake, but 52,000 tickets have been sold for tonight’s match at Celtic Park and Scotland manager Gordon Strachan has reported he might have to shelve plans to rest some of the players who were victorious against the Republic of Ireland on Friday night, as they’ve all been dropping hints that they want to play in this one. “From training today, nobody wanted to be rested, that’s for sure,” he said. “We’re only human. This is a competitive game – even if there are no points available.”
While the action in tonight’s match is unlikely to be mistaken for the Battle of Culloden, there ought to be enough patriotic needle to make the exercise slightly more worthwhile than the “bald men fighting over a comb” narrative some are peddling.
On a slow week, some in the media have been doing their bit to stoke the flames by making a ridiculously massive deal of the “hostility” to which England’s players, some of whom have played in front of large partisan crowds away from home before, will be subjected. Celtic Park is likely to be rocking tonight, but I don’t foresee the atmosphere being particularly poisonous.
Updated
