SOUR SIXTEEN
Finding itself on the back foot in the face of overwhelming global outrage for awarding the 2022 Ethics World Cup to Qatar, Fifa reacted with typically monotonous predictability and quickly hit upon a plan to make things even worse. The thorny issue of the tiny Gulf state’s size was raised, with critics pointing out that there was neither enough accommodation nor transport to cope with the hundreds of thousands of football fans who would swarm into the country for such a jamboree. Sniffily pointing out that it’s not how big your state is, but what you do with it that counts, Qatari rulers promptly imported more migrant workers, confiscated their passports, handed out shovels and set them to work.
Enthused by this completely ethical derring-do, Fifa chief Gianni Infantino hit upon the wheeze of increasing the number of finalists from 32 to 48, bringing forward the original plan to do so at the next competition and giving fans of assorted global minnows something vaguely resembling hope. Sadly, just two days after his appointment as Scotland manager, Steve Clarke suffered his first crushing disappointment when Fifa announced it had shelved an expansion plan that was based on the host country sharing matches with Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain, who all hate their Qatari neighbours, as well as Kuwait and Oman, who get on OK with them but don’t have the necessary infrastructures.
Having lit several joss sticks, strummed his guitar and given a rousing rendition of Kumbaya, Gianni naively argued that sharing matches might help these feuding neighbours to settle their differences because “football makes miracles”. Having spoken to all parties concerned, he has now arrived at the predictable conclusion that, for all his happy-clappy optimism, it will take a lot more than 22 blokes kicking a ball around a field to make bickering states see eye to eye.
“Following a thorough and comprehensive consultation process with the involvement of all the relevant stakeholders, it was concluded that under the current circumstances such a proposal could not be made now,” droned a Fifa statement. “The Fifa World Cup Qatar 2022 will therefore remain as originally planned with 32 teams, and no proposal will be submitted at the next Fifa congress on 5 June.” So, bad news for Fifa, but good news for anyone planning to travel to Qatar in three years’ time. World Cup 2022 might well be the worst ever, but it won’t be anywhere near as bad as it could have been.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Putin speaks very good German and we talked about football and judo, the best restaurants and the Brexit, American politics and Russian politics” – Lothar Matthäus gets his chat on with Michael Butler.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is right here for you.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: your ‘tens’ of readers (yesterday’s Fiver)? Really?” – Joe Mercer.
“As someone who grew up in the Medway Delta in the 1990s and saw at close hand – well, as close as you can get without supporting them – Gillingham’s rise through the divisions, beginning with Paul Scally’s takeover (yesterday’s Fiver), up to their 11th-placed finish in the Championship in 2003, the constant pattern has been the way popular managers have departed very suddenly, sometimes following a falling out with the club. The suspicion has always been that the Gills’ chairman doesn’t like managers who are more popular with supporters than he is. This probably won’t be a problem with Steve Evans” – Ed Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former football coach Bob Higgins, who worked with hundreds of youngsters, has been found guilty of 45 charges of indecent assault against teenage boys.
In further Qatar/ethics news, PSG president Nasser al-Khelaifi has been placed under investigation for suspected corruption.
A West Ham fan has been fined after pleading guilty to racially abusing Tottenham’s Son Heung-min at the London Stadium last October.
Jürgen Klopp plans to pop down to the beach at Marbella and see if anyone fancies a kickabout as Liverpool seek a pre-Big Cup final friendly.
Rafa Benítez is still plugging away at Mike Ashley to give him some coin for his transfer kitty as part of the Newcastle manager’s contract talks.
Sunderland owner Stewart Donald insists he’s not looking to make a quick profit from selling the club. “If I simply wished to make money out of Sunderland, we could have skimped on investment in the playing staff,” he tooted.
Bury players have called on owner Steve Dale to leave, saying they have gone 12 weeks without pay. “Please just accept the offer and walk away from our club before you bring it to its knees,” read their statement.
They’ll be dancing on the streets around Whiteladies Road [is that more Rovers? – Fiver Ed] after Lee Johnson extended his contract as Bristol City boss. “He follows the same vision as the club, which is vital,” parped chief suit Mark Ashton.
Barcelona head honcho Josep Maria Bartomeu has reiterated his backing for boss Ernesto Valverde despite their Big Cup capitulation at Liverpool. “I want to value someone who discreetly and intelligently is helping our team, I’m talking about Ernesto Valverde, who we fully trust,” he vote-of-confidenced.
And Tranmere manager Micky Mellon is hoping to see Rovers celebrity fan Mike Dean giving it some at Wembley in Saturday’s League Two play-off final with Newport. “We don’t see Mike as a referee because he doesn’t ref us,” sighed Mellon. “Why not enjoy seeing somebody getting excited about a game of football? Because if you are not enjoying it like that, why are you doing it?”
STILL WANT MORE?
Frozen out at Chelsea, Victor Moses tried his luck at Fenerbahce. He tells Will Unwin about how it’s all gone down.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn casts his eye over Premier League finances in his annual club-by-club report.
“All people want to hear about is that bloody penalty.” Michael Gray recalls the 1998 Charlton v Sunderland classic.
James Nalton hears from Konrad De La Fuente about life at Barcelona.
This week’s Classic YouTube features play-off epics and Francesco Totti having absolutely none of your disrespect.
The out-of-contract players who should interest Premier League clubs, according to Martin Laurence.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
