Cristiano Ronaldo scored. Marcelo scored. Real Madrid won. Hopefully their supporters are feeling a bit better. Thanks for reading and emailing.
Boo-ale.
Full-time: Schalke 0-2 Real Madrid
There’s another leg to play, but please join me in congratulating Real Madrid on reaching the last eight.
90 min: There will be three minutes of the added stuff.
88 min: If they agreed not to play the second leg, would it matter?
85 min: Real make their final change: Isco goes off, Asier Illarramendi comes on.
82 min: Alvaro Arbeloa replaces Dani Carvajal. “If Ronaldo is called Penaldo when he scores a penalty, would Bale be Pele?” says Jason Ellis.
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81 min: Hernandez hares after a long punt down the left channel, but Wellenreuther takes a leaf out of Manuel Neuer’s book, racing out of his area to clear.
80 min: Schalke introduce Max Meyer for Hoger.
GOAL! Schalke 0-2 Real Madrid (Marcelo, 79 min)
Game over and, quite possibly, tie over. This is a superb goal. Marcelo moves the ball on to his supposedly weaker right foot and decides he might as well have a shot. And why not? The ball soars satisfyingly high past the helpless Wellenreuther and into the top-left corner and it’s lucky that the net was there to stop it, else you fancy it would still be rising. Carlo Ancelotti is celebrating on the pitch with his players.
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78 min: Benzema puts the ball into the Schalke net but the flag had long gone up for offside. That’s the cue for Real to introduce Javier Hernandez in Benzema’s place. “Cultural corrections department: what Bale gets at the Bernabéu is whistles, not boos - I don’t think anyone boos in Spain,” says Charles Antaki. “Very unpromising for MBM wordplay, I grant you, but there it is. Unless you want to start a riff on Gareth Whale?”
75 min: Out of nowhere, Real are rattled, Casillas slicing a clearance behind for a corner. It comes to nothing. “A boo-gie monster, of course,” says Glenn Kuly.
74 min: After Ronaldo’s sends his free-kick into the wall, Schalke attack and Platte hits the bar! Real were caught out by a high diagonal from Boateng to Uchida, who cushioned the ball down to Platte. He took his shot first time and crashed it against the bar from inside the D. Casillas stood still and watched. The rebound falls to Uchida, but he doesn’t get enough power on his shot, allowing Marcelo to take the sting out of it and Casillas to save. Will that serve as a wake-up call for Real?
73 min: Ronaldo seems to be in some pain after being caught 40 yards from goal, but play continues with Benzema in possession further forward. But Benzema’s fouled around 20 yards out. Martin Atkinson blows for a free-kick and Ronaldo decides that his injury isn’t as bad as first feared.
72 min: Isco fizzes a pass into Bale’s feet. Bale holds off a defender and then produces a magnificent backheel through his legs and back into Isco’s path. Isco clips his shot with the inside of his boot from 20 yards, but it flashes over.
70 min: Sometimes football is dull. I get that. I have watched more than my fair share. But the last 16 of the Champions League is not supposed to be this drama-free. That’s the theory anyway.
69 min: Boateng shoots from 25 yards. Casillas yawns and pats the ball down.
67 min: All of a sudden, everyone wakes up as Hoger charges into the Real area from the right, but a heavy touch sheds the move of any danger. “Now I’m wondering whether Boo-ale may be an actual player whose name is pronounced,” says Simon McMahon. “Boo-ally or even Bw-ally. If so, I hope they don’t start booing him.”
66 min: He hates alliteration. He should be in jail.
64 min: A delay in proceedings as Carvajal has an encounter with the magic sponge after that foul. “Boo-ale boo-ated the ball badly,” says Glenn Kuly. “I hate alliteration, but couldn’t resist.”
What kind of monster hates awesome alliteration?
63 min: Kirchoff is booked for a late one on Carvajal.
62 min: Boateng smashes a volley miles over the bar from 25 yards out.
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61 min: Schalke make the mistake of attacking and that leaves them exposed as Bale embarks on a turbo-burst when the move breaks down. He swerves inside and then he looks for Ronaldo, only to play the pass behind his team-mate and out for a throw. That was momentarily very exciting, but the ending was very disappointing. Boo!
60 min: How long does the torpor have to last before this is no longer a lull?
57 min: Jan Kirchoff replaces Roman Neustadter. “I agree with you, it’s been an odd game, albeit an entertaining one,” says Taharat Hahfiz. “I was honestly looking forward to this game just to see if Schalke would get a hammering again !...I think they’ve handled themselves quite well tonight. I do expect Madrid to score again though, sooner rather than later.”
55 min: Boo-ale/Bale scampers down the right but his cross is poor.
53 min: Isco shuffles a ball inside the Schalke area to Ronaldo, who’s possessed by a malevolent spirit that makes him try to set up Benzema instead of shooting. Schalke survive. Damn malevolent spirits. Is it possible to perform a mid-game exorcism? “FAO: JR in Illinois,” says Matt Dony. “My intention was never to apologise for Ramos. I said how frustrating it was that he’s such a thug. He could be an elegant defender, dominating opponents through skill and game-reading. But instead he elbows, kicks, slaps etc. his way through games, and collects cards like some deranged tarot reader. Such a waste.”
51 min: A glimmer for Schalke. Aogo hooks a clever pass into the Real area for Platte, but the ball won’t sit down for him in time and Lucas Silva muscles him out of it. “All this time and no one is wondering about Real’s kit?” says Ruth Purdue. “At least they have no excuse for being unable to see each other. I hurts my eyes slightly.” I like it.
49 min: This has become an odd game. Real are too good, but they aren’t playing particularly playing well. “Surely, Mr Tejani is operating under a gross misapprehension if he believes the MBM is supposed ‘to give a running commentary on the game’,” says Lou Roper. “Among its important functions is to offer helpful suggestions of name change to wealthy footballers (who, of course, are monitoring the MBM on their phones while they play--priorities at all times).”
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48 min: Benzema tries to play a one-two with Ronaldo, but ends up being blocked off by Matip. No free-kick.
46 min: Real get the second half underway. Meanwhile Simon Roberts wants to know if Hans Moleman plays for Schalke too.
“Could you please use the right bloody names, boo-ale isn’t bale’s name, when you first said that i thought it was some german schalke player or something like that,” says Anil Tejani. “Your job is to give a running commentary, do that please.”
That split-second when you thought that Boo-ale must have some German Schalke player or something must have been traumatic for you. Are you okay or would you like to talk about it?
Half-time: Schalke 0-1 Real Madrid
Cristiano Ronaldo’s goal separates the sides. “You can let all the Ramos apologists to calm down,” says JR in Illinois. “I never commented on whether or not he was skillful He obviously is. He just happens to enjoy hurting people more than most.And everyone keeps talking about the Panenka. Yeah, I saw that. It was almost as entertaining as when he dropped the King’s Cup under the bus.”
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45 min+2: In the second of two added minutes, Choupo-Motig’s deflected shot from 25 yards is easily gathered by Casillas; then Neustadter is booked for a tug on Benzema’s shirt. Ronaldo decides he might as well have a shot from 45 yards, which is optimistic even by his lofty standards.
45 min+1: In the first of two added minutes, Benzema curls one well over the bar from 25 yards.
44 min: Platte, all full of youthful abandon and not weighed down by the cynicism which will eventually consume him, goes on a starry-eyed run. His team-mates know better than to hope, though, and stay back, offering him no support, meaning that Platte he has to go it alone. He’s soon tackled. Let that be a lesson to him. Never hope!
43 min: At the moment, the only danger for Real is complacency. Schalke can’t get close to the Real goal.
41 min: Boo-ale zigzags in between two challenges on the right and then motors past Nastasic on the right, reaching the byline and cutting it back into the six-yard box. The ball is shuffled behind but a goal-kick is awarded instead of a corner. Real are not impressed.
39 min: Schalke are clinging on a bit here. Kroos steps forward from midfield and is granted as much time as time as he likes to spray a pass through to Ronaldo on the right. Schalke are wide open and Wellenreuther charges out to confront Ronaldo. But Ronaldo gets there first and nips the ball around the goalkeeper, whose presence actually does enough to force Ronaldo into a heavy touch that takes the ball behind for a goal-kick.
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37 min: It’s been tough going for Schalke since Ronaldo’s goal. They had been playing well, but Real now have a firm grip on this match, and it’s hard to see Schalke getting back into it.
35 min: Ronaldo does indeed hammer the ball very hard at the Schalke goal! It flies over the wall, wobbling and jerking through the air with vicious intent, and it looks a certain goal, only for young Wellenreuther to produce a magnificent save, soaring to his right and somehow beating the ball away! What a free-kick, what a save.
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34 min: Boateng will miss the second leg after picking up a booking for a foul on Ronaldo, who is going to hammer this free-kick very hard at Schalke’s goal from 25 yards.
33 min: Huntelaar comes off and Felix Platte, who’s only 19, is on for Schalke.
32 min: This is a huge blow for Schalke. After a collision with Varane, the limping Klaas-Jan Huntelaar is going to have to be replaced.
31 min: Karim Benzema almost scores the goal that would have effectively ended this tie as a contest. A ball is played through the middle and although Schalke are adamant Benzema is offside, it turns out that Ushida is playing him on. Benzema takes the ball in his stride and shoots, but he can’t squeeze it past Wellenreuther.
28 min: I can only offer my sincerest apologies to Schalke for saying that they were on top. “If Sergio Ramos is a butcher, JR, then he is at least one with the knife set of a surgeon: Witness the aforementioned Panenka, and his match saving equalizer in last years CL Final,” notes Justin Kavanagh. “He has many ways of cutting out your heart.”
GOAL! Schalke 0-1 Real Madrid (Ronaldo, 26 min)
But they’re not edging it now! Real have hardly offered anything as an attacking force, but they only need a moment to exploit any of their opponent’s defensive frailties, and this is a bit of a gift from Schalke. Carvajal is allowed too much time to cut inside from the right and float a cross into the box with his left foot. Schalke’s defenders fall asleep and there’s Ronaldo to nod the ball over the stranded Wellenreuther. At long last, Ronaldo has finally scored a goal*!
*After three games without one.
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25 min: Klaas-Jan Huntelaar shows Ronaldo how it’s done up the other end. He makes a shooting chance for himself by holding off a challenge from Lucas Silva and then turning and running at the Real defence, before letting fly with a low left-footed grass-skimmer from 20 yards. Casillas, down low to his left, pushes it away. That’s the closest either side have come so far. Schalke are edging this at the moment. But...
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24 min: Cristiano Ronaldo, who’s been anonymous so far, shoots from 25 yards. The ball almost goes out for a throw-in. Oh dear. He’s hardly been involved.
22 min: “C’mon, Pepe’s getting unnecessary stick,” says Pepe Chloe Verge. “He’s actually been the cleanest defender in La Liga this season.” Don’t come at me with your stats and facts, Chloe, we are all about stereotypes and prejudice on this site.
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20 min: Schalke respond with their first shot of the evening. The move starts with some nifty footwork from Choupo-Motig on the right and ends with the ball at the feet of Aogo on the edge of the area. He takes aim with his left, but leans back and blasts it well over the bar.
18 min: Lucas Silva has a dig from 25 yards. A decent effort, but it bounces a few yards wide.
17 min: Pepe commits a foul. A bear has just defecated in an area surrounded by many trees.
16 min: Real haven’t offered much yet. Hoger marauds down the right and wins a corner off Marcelo. It’s cleared. “I don’t disagree with JR about Ramos being a bit of a thug, but the frustrating thing is that he’s such a damn fine footballer,” says Matt Dony. “He’s got a great touch, is comfortable bringing the ball out of defence, and look at the Panenka he scored in the shoot out against Portugal in Euro 2012. You simply can’t imagine, I dunno, Robert Huth pulling that off.”
14 min: Casillas isn’t called upon. Aogo plonks the free-kick into the wall and the shaven-bonced Pepe heads it away. “Evening Jacob,” says Simon McMahon. “Just found this list of motivational notes in Pepe’s kit-bag. 1. Don’t get sent off 2. Be intense with your eyes 3. Keep going for your tackles 4. Don’t get sent off.”
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13 min: Schalke, with an air of caution, advance forward through Uchida on the right. He knocks a pass to Hoger, who’s fouled by Isco around 25 yards from goal. A free-kick to Schalke in a promising position. Let’s hope Captain Iker is alive to the danger.
12 min: More could be happening.
10 min: If, like me, you were desperate to know what park the bus translates to in German, wonder no more.
@JacobSteinberg "park the bus" in German= sich hinten reinstellen
— Colin Ackerman (@csackerm) February 18, 2015
9 min: Beckenbauer Howedes lopes forward from the back and fools Toni Kroos with a stepover, only to be cynically chopped down by his international team-mate. Kroos is booked, despite his protestations.
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8 min: Schalke mount their first proper attack. Choupo-Motig drives inside from the left and leaves it to Boateng. He thinks about a shot, but then starts to think about other things, like whether he’d like to be apply to appear on Big Brother on Mars, and the ball is pinched off him.
6 min: Boo-ale stings a cross into the area with the outside of his left foot from the right. A stretching Howedes makes an important intervention.
5 min: Not much has occurred in the opening five minutes, Schalke content to let Real have the ball in their own half. What’s park the bus in German?
3 min: It could be my hangover, but the picture is fuzzy. Which is annoying. “What look is Pepe going for tonight, Jacob?” says Charles Antaki. “Improbable curly mop and wild staring eyes, or aggressively bald shave with wild staring eyes?” I think it’s the latter. But the screen is quite fuzzy, as I say, so watch this space.
2 min: I was saying Boo-ale. “Congratulations, I have declared you literally the first person in the world to say that it’s a shame that Sergio Ramos is not playing in a football match,” says JR in Illinois. “The guy is a butcher. Maybe not as much of a butcher as Pepe but a butcher nonetheless.”
A wonderfully English toot of the whistle from Martin Atkinson - more evidence, in my book, of why we really should bring back the Empire - and we’re off! Schalke, in blue shirts and white shorts, get us going, kicking from right to left in the first half. Real Madrid are in fetching pink. Bale picks up possession on the right flank and knocks a pass straight through to Wellenreuther. Boo! Booooo! BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Take that, Bale!
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The players emerge from the tunnel, walking out into a boisterous, bouncing Veltins Arena. Roberto Di Matteo and Carlo Ancelotti are swapping stories of Chelsea. I assume. I don’t speak Italian. I wish I did. “I can safely say that my heart isn’t made of stone,” says Matt Dony. “My 3 yr old son is making me watch the ‘Jurassic Bark’ episode of Futurama over and over again. He doesn’t get the emotional punch of the denouement, but I’m a wreck. It’s amazing how strong Madrid’s team look even with 3 top, top, top players out (copyright Redknapp). Just imagine how strong they’ll be when Christian Erikson is knocking in last-minute goals for them next year!”
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It’s a shame so many big players are missing tonight. Schalke are without the brilliant Julian Draxler, while Real are without Sergio Ramos, Luka Modric and James Rodriguez. It will be interesting to see how Lucas Silva, recently signed from Cruzeiro, fares in midfield for Madrid.
The teams!
Schalke: Wellenreuther; Uchida, Howedes, Matip, Nastasic, Aogo; Hoger, Neustadter, Boateng; Choupo-Moting, Huntelaar. Subs: Wetklo, Kirchhoff, Meyer, Fuchs, Ayhan, Barnetta, Platte.
Real Madrid: Casillas; Carvajal, Varane, Pepe, Marcelo; Lucas Silva, Kroos, Isco; Bale, Benzema, Ronaldo. Subs: Navas, Hernandez, Arbeloa, Nacho, Jese, Illarramendi, Medran.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (England)
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Preamble
Supporting Real Madrid must be hard. Their trophy drought is now, unacceptably, into its second month and will last for at least another three, they haven’t won a European Cup since last May and they haven’t spent £50m on a new signing since last summer. James Rodriguez is injured, so they’re having to play that Isco no-mark in midfield instead. Cristiano Ronaldo has gone three games without a goal and offended all right-minded people last week by - get this - having a party to celebrate his 30th birthday, when he should have been staying in and repenting after the 4-0 derby defeat to Atletico Madrid, like a good, well-behaved robot. And then there’s Gareth Bale, who hasn’t scored a lung-busting solo winner in a cup final for what feels like an age, so he can’t complain about his own fans booing him. If your heart isn’t breaking already, chances are that it’s made of stone. Sorry about that.
Poor Real Madrid. They might be top of La Liga and one of the favourites to win the Champions League (for the 11th time), but their supporters aren’t happy with the state of their team at the moment and they’re not afraid to let everyone know that they’re mad as hell.
Mind you, these ingrates do have an inkling of a point. Real won 22 consecutive games before Christmas, culminating in their victory in the Club World Cup final in December, but they have dipped since then, losing three and winning six and suffering the ignominy of being dumped out of the Copa Del Rey by Atletico, who then piled on the pain even more with that 4-0 evisceration of Carlo Ancelotti’s side in the league 10 days ago. Pepe, Sergio Ramos, James Rodríguez and Luka Modric have been injured. This might be as good a time as any for Schalke to play the European champions.
And Schalke’s manager knows a thing or two about upsetting the odds in this competition. Roberto Di Matteo doesn’t convince everyone - this is a man, after all, who was sacked by West Bromwich Albion not so long ago, and you don’t see Europe’s top clubs queuing up to hire Alan Irvine – and there was more than an element of luck during Chelsea’s glory run in 2012, but he is a Champions League-winning manager who led his side to victories over Napoli, Benfica, Barcelona and Bayern Munich. Not many people saw that coming. Can Di Matteo work his magic again? Well, his Schalke side are fourth in the Bundesliga and Real’s stuttering form may have the Germans dreaming of a famous upset.
Or, at the very least, something more competitive than when these two sides met at this stage last year and Bale, Benzema and Ronaldo (the BBR, not the BBC, chaps) ripped Schalke a new one. Real won the away leg 6-1, the home leg 3-1 and have scored 10 goals on their past two trips to Germany. Schalke, meanwhile, were beaten 5-0 at home by Chelsea in November. And Real’s fans think they’ve got problems.
Kick-off: 7.45pm in London, 8.45pm in Germany.
