Chances are that Halloween has always felt a little hollow to you – an imported celebration so far removed from its original intention that it now exists solely as a delivery method for Cadbury’s Ghooost Eggs and sexy Ken Bone costumes. What we need is to go back to basics and remember what Halloween is really about: opportunistic press releases from furniture companies about the safest furniture to hide behind when there’s a murderer in your house.
Thankfully, that press release now exists. Yesterday, a company called The Furniture Market frantically emailed around a list of all the furniture that people have ever hidden behind in popular horror movies. Why? Because, according to The Furniture Market’s head of eCommerce, “Furniture is synonymous with the horror movie genre”.
And he’s right. There’s a bed in The Exorcist. There’s a Table in You’re Next. It’s been a few years since I watched Friday the 13th, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it included a scene where Jason Voorhees stops by The Furniture Market’s Tarporley showroom and quietly nods his head as he runs his fingers across the smooth grain of its solid oak console table range. After all, Voorhees is a monster, but he’s not a monster.
Still, you already knew that furniture was synonymous with the horror movie genre. You came here to learn which is the best furniture to hide behind whenever there’s a serial killer in your house. So here’s the list, from least useful furniture to most useful furniture. Believe me, you are welcome.
Bed
No arguments here. Beds are terrible. Monsters live under your bed. Demons watch you as you sleep in bed. And let us not forget the 1977 classic Death Bed: The Bed that Eats. Basically, buy a bed and you’re asking to be murdered.
Bath
Important clarification from the press release: the shower scene in Psycho is actually a bathtub scene, because she’s standing in a bath when she gets murdered.
TV stand
Without a TV stand in your house, you’re dramatically reducing the chances of allowing a dead Japanese girl to crawl through your television and eat you.
Table
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Would You Rather. The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. That Nightmare on Elm Street film where the woman eats a miniature version of herself. Tables are stupid, and you should get rid of yours immediately.
Desk
“But what will I eat off?” you’re asking. Eat off a desk, because they’re apparently slightly safer according to this list that I already regret sharing with you.
Lilo
Maybe Norman Bates would have never murdered Janet Leigh if she’d have been showering on a blow-up mattress. Who knows?
Shelves
This list isn’t even halfway through yet. I’m so sorry.
Plant pot
Apparently someone avoided death by hiding behind a plant pot in Scream 2. What are you going to do with this information? Nothing, that’s what. But, look, we’re both committed to this now, so let’s just push through.
Chair
Is there a chair in Saw? I can’t be bothered to look it up. Let’s just pretend there was a chair in Saw.
Bookshelf
Someone hid behind a bookshelf in Scream 3. There, will that do?
Picture frame
This doesn’t even make sense. Who hides behind a picture frame? I hate Halloween, and all furniture, and my job.
Fridge
I mean, come on. A fridge doesn’t even qualify as furniture. It’s an appliance. This is the worst list of anything that I’ve ever encountered.
Cupboard
Rosemary’s Baby was used as a specific example of why cupboards are a good thing to have in a horror movie, even though Mia Farrow ultimately uses her cupboard to learn that she has given birth to the literal spawn of Satan. I mean for God’s sake.
Cabinet
The Furniture Market wouldn’t know who Dr Caligari was if he kicked them in the balls.
Wardrobe
Sure, yes, this makes sense. If there’s a monster on the loose, hide in a wardrobe. They’re roomy and dark and, even though I can only think of horror movies where people hide in wardrobes and then almost immediately die, they’re very safe.
Door
There, we did it. The safest furniture you can hide behind in a horror movie is a door. You can lock a door, use a door as a stab shield, slam someone’s fingers in a door. Offensively and defensively, there is nothing better than a door. The Furniture Market does not sell doors.
