Alec Baldwin is back! Of course he is. “Nobody is allowed to have a gun, not even whites,” says Baldwin-as-Trump, after reading thoughtful comments from an index card. Then Trump explains how he’ll “make America’s schools safe all by myself”.
“Even without a weapon, I’d burst through the doors – I’m actually a very fast runner – the guy with a gun wouldn’t even know what hit him.’
He reflects on his recent loss of staff: “Hope Hicks. She’s like a daughter to me: so smart. So hot.” Now Trump is basically on his own, he says, but he has a strategy.
“I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle House at 2am. Crazies everywhere, staff walking out in the middle of their shift, cashiers taking money out of the register to pay the Russian mob.”
Kate McKinnon as Jeff Sessions joins in for the old refrain: live from New York. You know.
SNL has been on hiatus for a month thanks to the Olympics, so it’s appropriate they’ve picked an athlete to host. But not that kind of athlete. It’s Charles Barkley. “Why is Charles Barkley hosting Saturday Night Live?” my husband asks.
“A lot of athletes are worried that speaking out might hurt their career,” Barkley says. “Well, here’s one thing that contradicts that: me. I’m hosting SNL for the fourth time – for no reason!”
He tries one: “Lorne Michaels wanted someone to talk about Black Panther with.”
Barkley reminisces about Barack Obama’s 50th birthday party, and then banters with Michael Che before sending out a special message to LeBron James: “LeBron: keep on dribbling and never shut up. And maybe one day you can host SNL for the fourth time just like me.”
It’s The Grabbies! Like the Oscars, but for sex pests. Cecily Strong and Beck Bennett are covering the red carpet.
“So many men have been accused of so many things in Hollywood this year, but who will take home the coveted Grabby?” Strong says.
Pete Davison’s character has been nominated for “Most Open Robe”.
“First,” he says, “I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment, and I’d like to thank my uncle for saying, ‘Boys will be boys!’ even when it was, like, OJ.”
And then Barkley, in the running for “Most Non-Apology”. He’s not wearing a Time’s Up pin.
“It’s a Tim’s Up!” he says, “because my name is Tim and I’m up for everything.”
Next: fake commercial for “Ned’s Roach Away”. Barkley is Ned and he knows “the only way to stop a bad roach is a good roach with a gun.” An animation shows gun-toting roaches shooting regular roaches with rifles. Roach Away Ned comes in with a bump stock.
“You don’t need pest control,” he concludes. “You need pest solutions.” I believe that’s called a three-pointer. Or a swish? Whatever. Actually hilarious.
Homework Hotline: Barkley is Mr Leonard, with his study buddy, a puppet called Bobo, taking calls to help kids with homework but plagued with sexually inappropriate prank calls.
Next skit: baseball player Alex Rodriguez makes a cameo appearance alongside Barkley and Kenan Thompson. It’s strained. Then, Migos are here! They are all wearing remarkable sweaters while they sing Stir Fry and dance under red globe lanterns.
Weekend Update! Oh, they have so much to update.
“Who still works in the government?” says Colin Jost. “At this point the government is like that dead mall in your hometown.”
They turn to gun control. “Another solution proposes that we should give guns to teachers, and I tried to seriously consider that idea … but then I remembered that I had Catholic nuns as teachers growing up, and they should definitely not have guns.
“Maybe we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport, because it’s not,” says Che, “I’ve never seen a deer get shot and then shake the hunter’s hand and say ‘good game’.”
Hope Hicks is here – or rather, Cecily Strong as Hope Hicks.
“The media’s been so nice to me,” she says, “insanely nice to me.”
“Why do you think they’ve been so nice to you?” says Jost.
“If I had to guess I’d say it’s because my hair and face are good.”
Kyle Mooney arrives to discuss the Oscars and fish for an invitation to Jost’s viewing party even though he and Che obviously don’t like him. It’s not funny. Then Leslie Jones is here with her Olympics report! She’s wearing a USA T-shirt.
“It turned out that my favorite event was hockey! How come no one told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice! If I played hockey, they would call me Penalty Box Jones, because that’s where I would be the whole game.”
Jost offers to show her “some moves” but Jones doesn’t need him: she’s joined at the desk by Hilary Knight, gold medal-winning US women’s hockey player.
“I hear you played hockey growing up and you’re going to show us some moves,” Knight says to Jost. Her delivery isn’t bad. It’s not Charles Barkley, but it’s not bad.
A dating show sketch is next and fairly unfunny, though Aidy Bryant is, as ever, terrific. Next: men on a construction site are drilling and observing women passing by, but politely.
“You can’t get that shade of magenta in men’s clothes,” Barkley complains.
“I wonder,” says Thompson, “if I was a woman, what would my style be?”
Eventually Beck Bennett storms off the site, unhappy with the other men’s ideas for what he could wear if he was a woman. I shake my head in light disappointment.
Migos sing Narcos. They’ve changed into a range of remarkable leather jackets. And the final sketch: McKinnon drinking alone in a bar on Oscar night, apparently so repulsive that she drives Thompson, the bartender, to join Isis. She tries to seduce Barkley.
“Let’s go back to my place and do missionary,” she says, “that’s where you try to teach me English and get frustrated and leave the country.”
She licks a deodorant to freshen her breath, and Barkley’s. Thompson zips himself into a body bag. McKinnon and Barkley make out, wearing dental guards. It’s a triumph of gross.
And that’s a wrap! As weird as the last sketch was, Barkley was arguably the most-game host this season. I can’t wait until he comes back again for no reason.
