A real downer of a cold open. Cecily Strong is Becca: SNL is rebooting The Bachelor finale, except the bachelor is … Robert Mueller (Kate McKinnon).
“The reality is … I don’t think I can give you everything you want right now,” says Mueller.
“So...“ says Becca, “you don’t have Trump on collusion?“
“At this point,“ says Mueller, “I’m only half in with collusion.“
“I was ready, Bob,“ says Becca, “I was ready to do the damn thing.“
She cries.
“I let my walls down for you,“ she says.
“I know,“ says Mueller, “and I love that.“
Becca cries.
“If it makes you feel any better,“ says Mueller, “the Kush is cooked and you’re the next bachelorette.“
Becca cheers right up.
Live from New York … I’m still googling ‘no collusion’.“
The show must go on. Sterling K Brown is hosting tonight. He dances himself on stage. He’s from This Is Us, “the saddest show you can watch on TV, other than the news“, which is exactly why I’ve never watched it. He fake-cries his way through his monologue.
Family Feud Oscars edition: Oscar winners v Oscar losers. Most notably Chris Reed as Jordan Peele, saying sketch comedy is OK “but at some point you have to move on“ and McKinnon as Frances McDormand, saying “I may be smiling but I’m not friendly”.
A faux trailer. NBC presents: This IS US. “Like This Is Us, except with the parts that make you feel good.“ The cast is out in their best Trump admin form, with a special cameo from Brown as a weeping Ben Carson.
A family dinner: Melissa Villasenor has brought her new boyfriend Justin (Brown) home to meet her parents: Aidy Bryant and Beck Bennett. All goes peacefully until the parents reveal that they don“t find Shrek the best animated film of all time. “You’re wrong!“ Justin shouts, “you’re wrong and you’re a stupid person!“
In the next sketch a Sasquatch beats Mikey with a baseball bat and my husband (not on the show) sighs heavily. Then James Bay wears a pink sequinned vest to sing Pink Lemonade – it’s a dramatic new look and sound that seems squarely aimed at the Insta-crowd. I mean, I’d heart it.
Weekend Update: “I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we“re counting on the only two guys who are connected on Dennis Rodman“s LinkedIn page,“ says Colin Jost.
“This could end up being the best episode of Scared Straight ever,“ says Michael Che.
Eric (Alex Moffat) and Donald Jr (Mikey Day) are here.
“Our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist media,“ says Don Jr. “These stories you“ve heard are complete fabrications.“ Eric shadows all of his hand movements until Don hands him a pop-up book to distract him. Eric screams and recoils in horror.
Addressing teacher strikes in West Virginia and the need for public school teachers to get adequate pay, Che says: “My dad is a public school teacher, and he drives a 1997 Frigidaire.“ This makes me laugh aloud for the first time in the episode.
A quick cameo from Vanessa Bayer as an incomprehensible weather forecaster. This does not make me laugh.
Kenan Thompson is an in-law to Black Panther (Reed). Brown is a sage older relative. Redd is seeking serious advice about Wakanda but all Thompson can talk about is barbecuing hamburgers, so then everyone else turns into panther to hunt him for being annoying.
Hospital scene: Brown is “Dr Love“. Bennett is the patient, come to see if he has an STI. All goes according to plan in the usual survey until Beckett says he’s having sex eight times a week and Brown gets incredibly excited. “Eight times a week?“ he crows. “Bro!“
“Let me listen to your heart,“ says Brown. “You’ve been hurt before.“ He hands Beckett a tuxedo and a bouquet of red roses.
Next: Brown is filming a scene with Cecily Strong’s swear-averse script supervisor. It’s probably more funny if you’ve spent a lot of time on a film set. And then: Kyle Mooney is a public access TV presenter in 90s-kid fashion doing real vox pops asking: “Which one is better? Rock or rap?“ He asks a lot white folks – “a diverse group of people“ – and reveals that those who like rock music and are racist. It’s not his funniest work.
Bay returns for his second song, Wild Love, in another sparkly vest. Are two sparkly vests enough to call a new look? I’m going to call it, even though he looks very uncomfortable.
And one final sketch: Brown arrives at an elderly lady“s death bed (Villasenor). She has something to say to him. “Was that a Nickelback song?“ he says. Oh, and it is. Brown gently rocks out and then gets everyone to sing along as the old lady codes red.
And that’s the night. Brown is incredibly charismatic – so charismatic that I’ll try This Is Us – but what a shame they couldn’t write him better sketches. Until next week, when I’ll only hope that Robert Mueller gives us more to laugh about.
