Preamble: Hello there and welcome to the Saturday Clockwatch on this lovely September afternoon. Just the three Premier League games kicking-off at three so we'll be taking in the Championship and Leagues One and Two, as well as some rugby and possibly some horse racing. Those looking for the golf, you're in the wrong place, you should be here
2.05pm In the early kick-off it is still 0-0 between Sunderland and Middlesbrough. Perhaps the most interesting incident being Mido injuring himself in the warm-up. By the way, for those that are wondering what the fixtures are today, find out here
2.10pm In League Two Leeds have just gone 2-0 up at Carlisle with five minutes left. And the first email is here: "Good to read that you're covering the most of the sport today, but, to coin a phrase, 'Anyone for tennis?' The Davis Cup match is underway at Wimbledon, despite the LTA's best attempts to keep it secret," writes Gary Naylor. Yes, Gary, we will be covering it too, my mistake. Cheers for pointing it out.
2.13pm And that tennis that Gary Naylor seemed so keen onisn't going too well. Jamie Murray and Ross Hutchins are trailing Julien Knowle and Jurgen Melzer 4-6, 1-4.
2.16pm In the SPL Dundee United are leading 1-0 at Aberdeen. And in England it is a penalty to Middlesbrough...
2.19pm Missed! By Stewart Downing! Terrible, think Chris Waddle in 1990, and it's second penalty miss in two games. How embarrassing.
2.22pm My predictions:
Blackburn 2-1 Fulham
Bolton 1-3 Arsenal (5.15pm)
Liverpool 4-0 Stoke
Sunderland 0-0 Middlesbrough (Downing to miss pen)
West Ham 2-0 Newcastle
2.25pm Michael Chopra has made it 1-0 to Sunderland, my powers of prediction take another punch to the guts.
2.27pm "Is Stewart Downing the most over-rated player in England?" asks Gary Naylor, kicking a man while he's down. "At just 24-years-old, he has 20 (20!) caps. I know judges who think otherwise, but what's he got exactly?" I would agree that he is overrated, Gary, but I don't know one person who actually rates him. Which undermines the argument somewhat.
2.30pm Robbie Fowler is on the bench for Blackburn today. I don't really know what to add to that.
2.35pm Murray and Hutchins are now two sets down, don't worry Alex Bogdanovic will rescue the tie.
2.37pm Alves has missed a great chance to equalise. In other news, does anyone else think this sounds brilliant?
2.38pm It's 2-0 to Sunderland, Michael Chopra the scorer for the second time today. Game over.
2.40pm And it's full-time at the Stadium of Light, 2-0 the final score. Sunderland jump from 17th to fifth in the table, who says the Premier League is too predictable?
2.42pm In the SPL Dundee United have beaten Aberdeen 1-0, their first win in 13 games.
2.46pm Wondering if I can provide any more details of the Sunderland win? Of course I can, just here.
2.49pm The British pair are now a break down in the third and, let's be honest, final set on their David Cup match.
2.55pm Any news? Nope. Kick-off is almost upon us though so don't worry, it'll get more exciting than this.
2.57pm Traffic congestion has meant the games at Preston and Brentford have been delayed 15 and 30 minutes respectively. So, if you are reading this on your Blackberry on the way to the game then calm yourselves, you'll make it. The tennis is all over, three sets to nil to the Austrians.
3.01pm First goal in the Premier League already, no... wait... it is disallowed. Liverpool should have gone a goal up, it should have been Gerrard's 100th goal for the club, but it was (wrongly!) flagged offside.
3.03pm MK Dons lead 1-0 at Colchester and Southend are also in that position at Crewe. Paul Robinson tips over from Andy Johnson, he of the Guardian's Big Interview today.
3.05pm Chris Kamara is at Vicarage Road and he is wearing the single most ill-suited pair of shades I have ever seen, and what's more he seems pretty pleased with himself about it. Goal at Upton Park and it is to West Ham, deflected past Given off Taylor.
3.09pm That West Ham goal has been credited to Di Michele, who took the original shot. Hearts are leading Inverness 1-0 while Liverpool are dominating Stoke.
3.13pm Brentford will be starting at 3.40pm now. "The Ryder Cup: a team that has been getting the stuffing kicked out of it finally kicks back. Kind of like Liverpool v Man Utd last week. Good thing for Stoke is that Liverpool will now return to their usual, playing like rubbish but still winning," writes George Templeton. Is that a good thing for Stoke?
3.15pm Reading have scored at Vicarage Road, seems a lot of confusion, not sure if the ball crossed the line, but the goal was given. Meanwhile, Elliot Ward puts Coventry ahead from the penalty spot against QPR.
3.17pm Noel Hunt credited with that Reading goal. Elsewhere, Preston v Wolves is underway, Wolves on top in the early stages.
3.23pm Southend are 2-0 up at Gresty Road, a Julien Baudet own goal there. An advert for New Zealand (you've heard of it) has just claimed it is the youngest country on Earth. Can someone explain to me what this means?
3.25pm Newcastle are playing some good football at Upton Park. They haven't scored, but one step at a time. While at Anfield Stoke are holding firm.
3.29pm Alonso has a strike from distances tipped around the post at Anfield, but the BIG news is at Selhurst Park where Paul Gallagher has put Plymouth a goal up. I'm sure you're all as delighted as me about that one.
3.33pm It is 1-0 to Derby against Cardiff and the run of play, Martin Albrechtsen the scorer. In young country news Steve Arthurs says: "NZ was created by a volcanic eruption only a few thousand years ago. The resulting dust storms, bad weather and blackouts are recorded in both ancient chinese and roman writings. Pretty amazing stuff." That is that answered then.
3.35pm Andy Booth, who was also created by a volcanic eruption only a few thousand years ago, is still playing for Huddersfield, and what's more he has scored, making it 1-1 with Northampton.
3.37pm Goal at Upton Park and it is Di Michele again and West Ham again, by definition. 2-0 there and the Newcastle defenders went to sleep on that one, bigger concerns I suppose.
3.40pm Looks like a good game at Crewe where it is now 2-2 against Southend. In the SPL Hibs have gone ahead at Hamilton, Derek Riordan with the goal.
3.43pm Bournemouth are leading at Bradford while at the top of the Championship it is quite tight between Preston and Wolves. And, wait a minute, Bradford have equalised.
3.45pm Any more goals before half-time? Nope, not of any huge interest. Sorry.
3.50pm Just to confirm the only goals in the Premier League so far are at Upton Park, where it is 2-0 to West Ham. In the delayed game Wolves have just gone ahead at Preston, they have Chris Iwelumo to thank for that. Right, I'm going to put the kettle on.
3.57pm "Since you haven't mentioned it are Blackburn and Fulham actually playing or did they disappear down some time portal?" asks George Templeton. They might as well have, it sounds like absolutely nothing has happened there.
4.00pm So, we're off again. Apart from Wolves and Preston, for whom it is half-time. If that makes sense.
4.05pm Brentford lead Lincoln in the very, very late kick off thanks to a goal from Nathan Elder. Stoke still holding on at Anfield, what's the betting they will go up the other end and bundle the ball in the net in a minute?
4.07pm Big news at the top of the Championship, Gary Taylor-Fletcher has put Blackpool ahead away at Birmingham. Plymouth are going to win that division anyway, so it is all pretty academic.
4.10pm Robbie Keane has missed a good chance at Anfield, what's new? A goal at Upton Park, that's what is new. Di Michele scuffs the chance for a hat-trick and Etherington finishes it off. West Ham lead 3-0.
4.12pm Still nothing going on at Ewood Park, can't be long until Robbie Fowler makes an appearance can it?
4.15pm it is 3-3 between Hartlepool and Oldham, which sounds a lot better than any of these Premier League games. Nicky Maynard has put Bristol City 2-0 up against Doncaster in the Championship.
4.20pm It is 2-0 to Plymouth now at Crystal Palace, the peerless Paul Gallagher getting his second of the game. Also in the Championship, Tommy Smith has equalised for Watford against reading.
4.23 3-0 to Bristol City now, Ivan Sproul scoring the third, while Burnley have gone one up at Swansea with a goal from Joey Gudjonsson.
4.25pm Elgin are down to eight men against Albion Rovers. You see, Premier League, that is entertainment! Not your boring 0-0s and various beatings of Newcastle, who as I write that have got a goal back, Michael Owen making it 3-1.
4.27pm Watford have turned it around against Reading, John-Joe O'Toole making it 2-1 at Vicarage Road.
4.30pm Ross McCormack has pulled Cardiff level against Derby with a penalty and Doncaster have got a goal back against Bristol City in the Championship.
4.32pm Matt Le Tissier is almost catatonic watching this Blackburn game on Sky, at least he isn't watching the Liverpool one. This is exactly why Liverpool will not come close to winning the Championship. If you can't break down Stoke at home it really doesn't matter how well you play against the big boys, you don't stand a chance.
4.33pm Michael McIndoe has made it 4-1 to Bristol City while League Two leaders Bradford are 3-1 down to Bournemouth, Jason Pearce (presumably not the one from Spiritualized) the scorer of the third there.
4.37pm "What's happening on Anfield?" asks Martiness, to which I reply it is still 0-0. "No goals yet?" Nope. "Stoke is so good or Liverpool so rubbish?" A little from column A, a little from column B as Grandpa Simpson might say.
4.40pm Eight-man Elgin are now 5-0 down to Albion now. Liverpool still struggling against Stoke but Wolves are far happier, going 2-0 up against Stoke to go clear of Birmingham at the top if things remain the same.
4.42pm Goal at Ewood Park. Matt Derbyshire the scorer for Blackburn bringing some light to what sounds like a terrible, terrible game.
4.45pm A late goal from Matt Fryatt has put Leicester 2-1 up at Leyton Orient while Liverpool press and press against Stoke. Crystal Palace get a goal back against Plymouth, Patrick McCarthy causing problems there. And the goals are at last flying in, Wolves 3-0 up now.
4.47pm It is level at Vicarage Road, Stephen Hunt converting a penalty to make it Watford 2-2 Reading. Time is running out for Liverpool (or Stoke) to grab a winner.
4.50pm What a week to bring Fernando Torres into my fantasy team, I really am not the manager I thought I was. Much like Rafa Benitez I suppose. Chris Iwelumu has been sent off for a headbutt after scoring a hat-trick for Wolves. These celebrations are getting odder and odder these days. And THAT IS IT AT ANFIELD. 0-0 the final score. Oh dear, Rafa, oh dear.
4.52pm Full-time at Upton Park, it finishes West Ham 3-1 Newcastle, a late goal at Carrow Road where Norwich grab a late winner against Sheffield United, it finishes 1-0 to Blackburn against Fulham.
4.56pm Still playing in various games, Swansea getting a last minute equaliser against Burnley, while the real news is that it is full-time at Selhurst Park where it has finished 2-1 to Plymouth. Reading and Watford finishing 2-2 and that is about it.
4.59pm For the full classified scores you could do worse than clicking here, it will tell you everything you need to know and probably a little more. That's about it from me, cheers for your emails, the New Zealand debate has been settled finally ("New Zealand was first settled by humans at most 1000 years ago, one of the last Pacific islands to be reached by Polynesians," according to Will Petty, who knows his stuff) so that is goodbye.
