Preamble: Hello there. Manager loyalty, top games at 3pm on a Saturday, big-match darts from the Lakeside; I seem to have woken up in the eighties. Anyway, here's this afternoon's Premier League fixtures: Arsenal v Birmingham, Aston Villa v Reading, Chelsea v Tottenham, Derby v Wigan, Everton v Man City, Middlesbrough v Liverpool, West Ham v Fulham and, later on, Man Utd v Newcastle. It's a line-up so good that even Harry Redknapp wouldn't swap it for a quiet life on the Dorset coast, I'm sure you'll agree. There are, however, some fixtures I won't be covering: Clyde v Dundee United, Huntly v Dundee, Cove Rangers v Ross County, Livingston v Cowdenbeath, St Johnstone v Raith Rovers and Airdrie United v Kilmarnock. Why? They've been called off I'm afraid, frozen pitches.
And it's not just football We also have racing from Kempton and Warwick, Heineken Cup rugby and the BDO World Championship semi-finals from the Lakeside. That's Martin Adams v Mark Webster - the world champion against the number one seed - and Brian Woods v Simon Whitlock - the world's worst haircut against the world's worst beard.
2.15pm Another one down, Partick v Dunfermline has fallen foul of the cold.
Early team news Paul Merson has failed to make it into Soccer Saturday first team, is he holding talks with Chris Mort as we speak? Probably not. More interestingly, Nery Castillo is making his Man City debut at Goodison Park.
2.21pm More team news. Nicolas Anelka will start on the bench for Chelsea, Claudio Pizarro keeping his place up front. Another bench-warmer at Stamford Bridge will be Paul Robinson, Radek Cerny still Juande Ramos' first choice.
2:25pm Paul Jewell has given places to five new boys for the game against Wigan: Savage, Villa, Mills, Ghaly and Robert. Savage also takes the captain's armband. Derby fans will be pleased about that one.
2:30pm In the Heineken Cup Leinster 10-3 up against Toulouse and London Irish are cruising away from Newport, 29-7 at half-time. Martin Adams and Mark Webster are just preparing for their walk-ons at the Lakeside. I'll keep you updated on how those intros go.
2:34pm Heartwarming moment of the day. Jimmy Bullard is on the bench for Fulham at Upton Park. At the Lakeside Mark Webster's walk-on passes without incident, Wolfie Adams gives an awkward thumbs up to the crowd like a darting Paul McCartney. Exciting stuff.
2:38pm Gary Naylor has arrived and he would like to pick me up on a slight factual inaccuracy. "Surely Phil Collins sported the world's worst beard in dismal Britpic "Buster" (no link to Harry Redknapp there at all, no sir). But at least Phil had the excuse that he was 'acting'" I'm sure that's not the worst example, humble reader?
2:41pm "Ooonnnneeeee hhhuuunnnnddreedddd aaaannnnn eeeeiiiiiiittttttyyyyyy!" Wolfie gets it but Webster takes the first leg.
2.44pm "Newcastle to become big club? They already have Viduka, get Mido," boom booms Shreerang Sarpotdar before commiserating with me for not having a Guardian email address, it's a fate I'll have come to terms with Shreerang.
2.46pm The 18-1 shot Alan King-trained D'Argent wins the Totesport.com Classic Handicap Chase at Warwick. Favourite Arnold Layne fell. Meanwhile, Danny Cassidy emails to say "Mike Ashley was out shopping the other day when an old lady tripped and fell in front of him. As the old dear was picking up her shopping bags he kindly asked her 'excuse me love can you manage?'" WAIT FOR IT ... "'yes but not your lot' replied the lady." Has it come to this already?
2.50pm Mark Webster has taken the first set at the Lakeside and it is 17-6 to Leinster against Toulouse.
2.53pm "In his current parlous financial state, let's hope Merse had a few bob on that 18-1 shot ... or maybe not," emails Gary Naylor, who truly is all heart.
3.00pm Jonathan Grounds is making his Middlesbrough debut at home to Liverpool. He is 20. He looks 12. And before the football takes over and I forget about the darts altogether Mark Webster has gone 2-0 up at the Lakeside, how long until Wolfie starts crying?
3.04pm "All conversations about beards begin and end with the beard sported by Nathan Petrelli in season 2 of Heroes," says Bernard O'Leary, which is lucky because the football is about to start and I can't imagine there'll be much time for much more beard-talk. I would point you in the direction of the lovely beard at the top of this page though Nathan, hang your head in shame.
3.07pm First goal of the day. Simon Davies has put Fulham a goal up at Upton Park. "I've just stuck £15 in fivers on 0-0s at Everton, Derby and Boro. I am therefore praying for the dullest day in Premiership history. I leave it in your capable hands," emails Tom Chivers. I'll try my best, I can at least promise my prose won't entertain you, Tom.
3.10pm Colchester are leading at Bristol City and Charlton are one up against Blackpool in the Championship. It is a matter of time until Arsenal go ahead against Birmingham acording to Paul Walsh, Liverpool also looking good at the Riverside.
3.13pm Steve Howard has found his level, putting Leicester one up against Coventry, Luke Varney has put Charlton 2-0 ahead and the Championship is far more exciting that the Premier League. But you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?
3.17pm Blackpool have got a goal back at the Valley, Ben Burgess the scorer. And it's 3-0 to Mark Webster at the Lakeside.
3.20pm Ipswich's unbelievable home form continues, they've gone ahead against Stoke. And more excitingly Chelsea have scored against Spurs, a Juliano Belletti screamer. Would Paul Robinson have stopped it? The simple answer is 'no'.
3.24pm Moving away from the football for a second. Leinster have beaten Toulouse 20-13 and London Irish beat Newport 41-24. But then straight back to the football where John Carew has put Villa ahead against Reading. Arsenal have gone ahead against Birmingham, an Adebayeor penalty.
3.27pm Middlesbrough are ahead against Liverpool, George Boateng the scorer. Liverpool had been dominating until that point, but then that doesn't really count for anything does it? Unsurprisingly Fulham have thrown away their lead, Dean Ashton heading home to bring West Ham level.
3.30 Peter Cech is keeping Chelsea ahead against Spurs and it's a third for Charlton at the Valley, Zheng Zhi the scorer.
3.33pm Everton have gone ahead against Man City, Joleon Lescott heading home a cross from Arteta. Stoke and Bristol City have both equalised in the Championship and Palace are leading Wolves.
3.35pm Derby are still a bit rubbish, even with five new players. If only Wigan had a good striker they would be cruising, Marcus Bent has just missed from a yard out. Villa on top against Reading and Liverpool really don't deserve to be losing to Middlesbrough, but they still are.
3.38pm Adebayeor's penalty shouldn't really have been given, apparently, but then who am I to judge?
3.42pm What's happening at the Lakeside? Wolfie is back in it, that's what. 3-2 to Webster.
3.43pm Celtic have gone ahead against Stirling, Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink scoring. Somehow Derby are still level with Wigan who are really missing Emile Heskey. No, really.
3.45pm Arsenal are playing like, well, Arsenal but still can't increase their lead. Nice passing, wasteful finishing, rather predictably. Half-times across the country, Chelsea 1-0 Spurs, Everton 1-0 Manchester City, Arsenal 1-0 Birmingham, Middlesbrough 1-0 Liverpool. Villa 1-0 Reading and it's level at Derby and West Ham. In the darts it's now 3-3, Wolfie checking out with a 121, much to the approval of the Lakeside crowd.
3.55pm "Are you watching the same match as me?" asks the befuddled Neil Goldenberg. Sadly, Neil, the answer is no, I'm sat in a boiling office in Farringdon and am just reporting what I'm told. I'll let you act as my Mark Lawrenson on this one. "Liverpool are being played off the park at the moment by Boro. Boro seem to be able to get behind the Liverpool defence at will." I stand corrected. In the rugby Saracens are losing 10-3 to Biarritz after 20 minutes, that I know for sure.
4.00pm Webster has gone to pieces since Wolfie's 121 check-out, 4-3 now to the (people's) champion. Motherwell are losing 1-0 at Hearts in their first game since the death of Phil O'Donnell. The teams are coming back on and Liverpool have introduced Ryan Babel in the hope of saving themselves at the Riverside.
4.05 Mansfield are ahead at Chester, can they win their first away game in 17? Not sure, maybe? Possibly? We'll see in the next 45 minutes. Stelling's voice is having a terrible time, I'm worried for the man, it is getting huskier by the minute. Hearts are 2-0 up against Motherwell.
4.09pm Birmingham have equalised at Arsenal, Garry O'Connor heading in a corner. I told you Arsenal would regret missing those chances. Well, ok, I didn't, but I'll go back and put that in later.
4.12pm Forest are 2-0 against Orient and Arsenal are still missing chances. As things stand Liverpool would be seventh at the end of play today, and Rafa must be very, very worried.
4.14pm Villa go two up against Reading and goal-machine Martin Laursen has got his sixth of the season, that's one more than John Carew for those that are interested. Anyone? Fair enough. 4-4 in the darts by the way.
4.17pm Anelka is on at Stamford Bridge and very nearly scored with his first touch, great save by Cerny. Claude Davis has been sent off at Pride Park, Robbie Savage's captaincy already having an impact?
4.20pm "How many block-headed Liverpool fans are going to blame the Americans for this one?" says G Templeton. "Liverpool have just spent a record amount for a defender (so much for a supposed lack of transfer funds) and Rafa Benitez may contrive to lose at Boro for God sakes. But it's not Rafa's fault. "Expectation is the problem," Benitez said in the Guardian last week. What a load of rubbish!" Motherwell have got a goal back at Hearts.
4.22pm Bradford are two up against Notts County and Brentford are beating Chesterfield 2-1. In the rugby it is half-time at Vicarage Road, Saracens and Biarritz 13-13. And Webster is now 5-4 up in the darts, who said he'd gone to pieces?
4.25pm Stewart Downing hits the post at the Riverside, a lucky escape for Liverpool. Robbie Blake has put Burnley ahead against Plymouth, Palace are 3-0 up at Wolves and Sheff Utd are back to 1-1 with QPR. It's all going on in the Championship.
4.29pm West Ham have gone 2-1 up against Fulham, Anton Ferdinand the scorer. Fernando Torres has brought Liverpool back into it at Middlesbrough, 1-1. A hugely important goal that one. Deserved? Not according to my sources.
4.32pm Norwich have equalised at Barnsley, 1-1 there. Unlike Jeff Stelling's voice, 10-man Derby are holding on against Middlesbrough, still 0-0. Celtic have scored a second, that's all over, and Chris Porter has brought Motherwell level at Hearts.
4.35pm Sheff Utd have gone 2-1 up against QPR, Lee Hendrie the scorer. "It seems to me that the best way for a team to score, is if you say that the other team are playing the best football and deserve to score," says Tim Smith, with more faith in my importance as a human being than I probably deserve. If that is the case Tim, Burnley really deserve another against Plymouth.
4.38pm Jimmy Bullard is on, applauded by home and away fans at Upton Park. Preston have gone a goal up against Watford, their terrible away form continues. Shaun Wright-Phillips puts Chelsea 2-0 up against Spurs, they're the only team in the top five that are winning at the moment.
4.41pm Wigan have finally scored at Derby and it's Antoine Sibierski's first goal in 14 games. At the Lakeside Martin Adams has been beaten, 6-4 to Mark Webster.
4.43pm "I'm just hoping that things stay as they are: a draw is just enough to keep Rafa in the job (and three points for Everton puts us level)," writes Gary Naylor. He's safe until the end of the season I reckon Gary, but then we've seen my powers of prediction in action today. Barry Hayles has put Leicester two up against Coventry, a goal each for Ian Holloway's new strike partnership.
4.46pm Birmingham are holding on at Arsenal, quite comfortably too. Man City have been woeful at Everton who look to be about to leapfrog them.
4.49pm Villa go 3-0 up against Reading, John Carew getting his second of the day. All over there. Leicester are losing 17-12 at Edinburgh, that's in the rugby for those that didn't realise.
4.52pm It's finished 1-1 between Middlesbrough and Liverpool, not good enough is it Rafa? James Harper has got a consolation for Reading at Villa, 3-1. Full-time at Stamford Bridge, 2-0 to Chelsea.
4.55pm Birmingham have got a draw at Arsenal, 1-1, a great result for them. Everton have beaten Man City 1-0, they are both now level with Villa and Liverpool. West Ham beat Fulham 2-1 and Wigan won 1-0 at Derby in the other Premier League games.
5.00pm That about wraps it up, if you want to run your eyes over the classified results you can check them out on our live scores page and why not follow the fate of managerless Newcastle at Old Trafford with Scott Murray here. Thanks for all your emails, sorry about the ones I didn't get to use. Cheers, Josh.
