Preamble: Afternoon. And what an afternoon it has already been, the slightly unappetizing Scottish Cup semi-final between Aberdeen and Queen of the South turned out to be the game of the season. Queen of the South led three times only to see Aberdeen draw level before finally John Stewart finished the Dons off with a fourth, Queen of the South 4-3 Aberdeen. Quality=2/10. Entertainment=10/10. Will this afternoon's games match up? In a word: maybe.
Today's games: Birmingham v Everton, Bolton v West Ham, Derby v Aston Villa, Reading v Fulham, Sunderland v Man City and Tottenham v Middlesbrough.
And my predictions: Birmingham 0-1 Everton, Bolton 1-0 West Ham, Derby 0-4 Aston Villa, Reading 2-0 Fulham, Sunderland 2-1 Man City and Tottenham 1-1 Middlesbrough.
It's not all Queen of the South: Also celebrating already today are Leeds, who beat Carlisle 3-2. They are now five points clear of seventh placed Tranmere.
First email of the day: "Hi Josh," says Ian Copestake. Hi Ian. "You must be very proud to be in the hotseat in this day of days for proud, plucky, north of the borders, Queen of the South. Perhaps the Guardian could get with the hype and ditch the clockwatch tag, as it that is what I've been doing at work all week."
Talk of the desk today: The exploits of Queen of the South? Today's big Premier League games? Matt Le Tissier's decision to turn up to work at Sky without his tie? Nope, nope and nope. It's the tales of the huge celebrities we've met. Between us we have seen two sevenths of S Club 7 and a fifth of Hear'say. You better believe it, we move in those kind of circles. Can anyone help us complete the line-ups? Or have you met the man that is selling this little beauty, The Guardian's Tom Bryant is a huge fan.
In the rugby: Leicester are leading Ospreys 6-0.
3.00pm And we're away in the football while Ospreys lead Leicester 7-6 in the rugby, Andrew Bishop with a try.
3.02pm Alves puts the ball in the net for Middlesbrough but it is disallowed. "I have to disagree with your prediction of 1-1. Did you get to the end of the fixtures and realise you hadn't included a draw?" Asks Sam Hedges, and he is right if I'm honest.
3.04pm Anton Ferdinand has pulled a hammy for West Ham, they really don't get the luck, do they?
3.06pm Still no goals, Kevin Nolan almost scoring for Bolton. But not. "I think I can help with your search, or rather my girlfriend Rachael can," says Andy Slowe. "Rachael met Faye from Steps, John from S Club 7 and Noel from Hear Say all on the same night. More importantly, Christine borrowed 50 quid from Faye and has obviously not seen her since and has no intention to pay her back. They also both went to the toilet with her. So there you go, can you tell I'm just passing the time before going to the pub?" Yes.
3.08pm Stephen McPhail has put Cardiff a goal up against Blackpool, while Brentford are a goal up against Bradford.
3.09pm Still no goals in the Premier Leagie, or indeed anymore anywhere. "I've never seen any S Clubbers or Hear'sayers, but a few weeks ago David Gill walked past me, and my mum saw Carlos Queiroz on Thursday. We almost had the holy trinity, but my mum managed to miss SAF getting attacked in Euston station, even though she works there," says Archi Campbell. So close Archi, so close.
3.12pm Jay Simpson has made it Millwall 1-0 Hartlepool. Southampton have gone ahead at the Valley, Stern John the man trying to claim it, his 18th of the season. I'm sorry, there is not much more to report, don't shoot the messenger.
3.14pm And a shock goal at Hull, as QPR go ahead through a Wayne Brown own goal. "Uri Geller has his own brand of jewellery? Whose to say it's not all bent?" Arfs Ian Copestake.
3.16pm Big news from ... nowhere. But I can report that on the other channels Paul Potts is doing some singing, Sherlock Holmes is doing some detecting and some sharks are doing some swimming. The excitement.
3.19pm Darren Anderton has put Bournemouth 1-0 up against Bristol Rovers.
3.21pm Bradford are 2-1 up against Brentford now and Gillingham ahead against wobbly old Swansea. Does it get any better than this? I have just received an email titled "An Elevator with Busta Rhymes". Will it be as good as I hope? We will see soon.
3.24pm Goal in the Premier League! And it is a big important one at that! Fulham have gone ahead at Reading, Brian McBride the scorer.
3.27pm Here we go, the goals are starting to rain in. Villa have, inevitably, gone ahead against Derby. Ashley Young the scorer, and what's that it's 2-0 almost instantly, John Carew the scorer of the second. And Spurs have gone ahead against Middlesbrough, an own goal there, but they aren't saying who, sorry.
3.30pm Jonathan Grounds was the own-goaler for 'Boro. And Brentford have made it 2-2 in the game of the day. So, that Busta rhymes email: "I live in New York and once took an lift with Busta Rhymes. His label, Polygram at the time, was on the 19th floor of the building where I worked. He walked up next to me to get the lift and I was too shy to say anything, but then one of the janitorial staff came up and shouted "Busta Rhymes!" and shook hands with him. So, with the ice broken, I asked "What floor, Mr. Rhymes?" as we got on the lift. He laughed and up we went." Cheers to Scott Bassett for that one.
3.33pm Elliott Ward has put Coventry ahead from the penalty spot against Stoke, in the division no-one wants to win. And Barnsley are beating Preston, a goal from Diego Leon there.
3.35pm James Beattie has opened the scoring for Sheffield United at Burnley. Fulham are playing magnificently at Reading and so are Bolton against West Ham. What is going on?
3.37pm And it is more painful Derby news as Aston Villa go 3-0 up with Stiliyan Petrov scoring from the centre circle. Oh dear, oh dear ... oh dear.
3.39pm Bolton put the ball in the net but it is called offside. And Wycombe are leading against MK Dons.
3.41pm And down go Scunthorpe, probably. Crystal Palace now 2-0 up, Victor Moses playing like the new Pele/Theo Walcott there.
3.43pm Medicine Path has won the Doncaster Mile in the racing. Swansea have equalised at Gillingham, a foul on the keep perhaps? Not according to the ref, or indeed the scoreline. "How is QPR scoring a shock?" Asks George Templeton. "I mean they've got billions and what does Hull have?"
3.45pm Fabio Capello is at White Hart Lane today, where it is still 1-0 to Spurs, meanwhile Swansea have turned it around at Gillingham. Guillem Bauza scoring and prompting misty eyed nostalgia for the glory days Super Mario around the desk. We are that dull.
3.49pm So it is half-time in all the games and there have been five goals in the Premier, Birmingham 0-0 Everton, Bolton 0-0 West Ham, Derby 0-3 Aston Villa, Reading 0-1 Fulham, Sunderland 0-0 Man City and Tottenham 1-0 Middlesbrough. My predictions not looking too bad at all, if I do say so myself.
3.51pm Ospreys/Wales are all over Leicester in the rugby, it's 17-6 now.
3.55pm "Well, Derby have hit their nadir if they let Stilyan Petrov score for Aston Villa," writes George Templeton, tempting fate hugely. Don't rule out a couple for Scott Carson, George. And big news coming in on the wires, Jamie Theakston has had a baby boy, Sidney.
3.57pm Stelling is not really on form today, I'm sad to report, making a lame reference to a cunning plan when Ryan Blackadder is confirmed as the scorer East Fife. Really Jeff, you are better than that?
4.00pm Oranges eaten, the players are out of the dressing rooms across the country to further entertain us with their silky skills.
4.04pm Goal! Big, big goal! Kevin Davis has put Bolton ahead against West Ham. Wowzers (yes, I said wowzers), suddenly the Premier League is getting exciting again!
4.07pm Ospreys are cruising at Twickers (as they call it in the trade, oh I know the lingo, don't worry about that). It's 23-6, anyway. Kevin Davis has dislocated his middle finger at the Reebok, Paul Merson describing it as "over there", excellent medical knowledge has our Merse.
4.09pm Trevor Sinclair has put Cardiff 2-0 ahead against poor old soon-to-be-relegated Scunthorpe. And a terrible, terrible miss from Liam Ridgewell at St Andrews as Birmingham struggle against Everton while those below them lead.
4.12pm Luton lead Brighton, Sam Parkin putting them 1-0 up. Meanwhile, Jon Macken has put Barnsley 2-0 up at Preston. And, look at that, Brighton have equalised instantly at Luton.
4.15pm Paul Merson is very, very cockney today, more so than usual. He has just pronounced Diouf as "Joof", in fact I think he is yet to use a plosive sound this afternoon. Ospreys have won 23-6. And, guess who is getting thrashed? It's Derby. Gareth Barry putting Villa 4-0 up.
4.17pm 3-0 to Cardiff now while Stoke have equalised at Coventry, the Championship far more fun than the Premier League as always.
4.19pm Berbatov hits the post at White Hart Lane, no goals to report though. "Wow, a non penalty-kick goal for Gareth Barry. You don't see that everyday. Then again Villa doesn't get to play Derby everyday either," writes George Templeton. You are a cruel man Templeton.
4.22pm Steve Coppell has introduced Glenn Little and Dave Kitson in a desperate attempt to drag themselves out of this relegation mess they've got themselves into. They have 25 minutes to work their magic of the Guardian's Scott Anthony might just cry.
4.25pm "Gareth Barry scored two non-penalty goals last week. So stick that where the sun don't shine Mr G Templeton," writes Gurbir Thethy. Alright, calm down, we'll have none of that kind of thing on the clockwatch Gurbir.
4.29pm It's still 1-0 to Fulham at Reading but they have hit the woodwork twice. A goal at White Hart Lane, Stewart Downing hitting the equaliser there for Middlesbrough. Check out my earlier predictions, aren't I good? Yes I am.
4.31pm Jimmy Bullard hits the crossbar as for Fulham who have done everything but increase their lead, fate? Don't be so silly.
4.32pm Andy Reid has equalised for Charlton against Southampton.
4.36pm Gabriel Agbonlahor has put Villa 5-0 up at Derby (leave it Templeton) while there is a huge goal at St Andrews ... Yakubu scoring it for Everton. Birmingham are in trouble now.
4.39pm Elano converts a penalty to put Man City ahead against Sunderland. George Templeton replies: "Pardon me Mr. Thethy, but I am a Villa fan and I will amend my statement to say, Villa doesn't get to play Bolton and Derby every week."
4.42pm Birmingham have equalised! Mauro Zarate the scorer, it's all going off at the bottom today isn't it? Sunderland have also equalised, Dean Whitehead the scorer for them.
4.44pm Derby's season in the Premier League, I mean really? Why? It is 6-0 to Villa, with Marlon Harewood the most recent scorer. "Was that the best single update ever?" Asks Nathaniel Goggin. Why, yes it was rather good wasn't it, some of my best work. Thank you, Mr Goggin. "Good news for Villa and bad news for Birmingham... why yes, I think it was." Oh, right.
4.47pm And the goals are quite literally flying in (well, not literally, I apologise for my lazy English) at the Stadium of Light. Darius Vassell putting City 2-1 up.
4.49pm Ian Hume has equalised for Leicester and Championship Manager's Erik Nevland has finally put Fulham 2-0 up at Reading.
4.50pm It is full-time at the Reebok, Bolton 1-0 West Ham, and it is full-time too at Madejski, Reading 0-2 Fulham. It's all getting very close and cosy down there at the bottom of the Premier League.
4.53pm A twist at the KC, where Michael Turner has equalised for Hull against QPR. Swansea are promoted after beating Gillingham, while it is Birmingham 1-1 Everton, Spurs 1-1 Middlesbrough and Sunderland 1-2 Man City at the end of the day in the Premier League.
4.56pm for those that are looking for closure, enjoy the following facts that have been confirmed today: Scunthorpe are relegated, Swansea promoted, Port Vale relegated and Luton relegated. And I'm the king of predictions.
And that's about that: What a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, and suddenly the Premier League is looking a lot more exciting. Thank you for the emails, sorry about the ones I didn't get to use. Bye.
