If you really want to know what I lie awake worrying about at the moment, let me tell you.
It all started at about 8.59pm last Sunday and is entirely the fault of Jed Mercurio, writer of hit BBC1 thriller Line of Duty.
Having waited (im)patiently for two whole years for this series, I was poised and ready. Who is H? Who is Balaclava Man? Would anyone else lose their job? Or a hand? I still feel nauseous about that one.
It was already quite stressful and nothing had happened. But, in honour of the build-up, it was a stonking opening.
Police who stopped to assist a woman with her baby trapped in a burning car were hijacked. The baby was a creepy doll – it was a trap! Balaclavas everywhere.
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“Nice work, lads,” said ringleader John Corbett, played by Stephen Graham, after they’d gunned three coppers down. Is he THE Balaclava Man?
“Mother of God,” said that fella AC-12 boss Supt Ted Hastings, played by Adrian Dunbar, in the first of many splendid one-liners.
Time to start playing Hastings Bingo at this point.
We were later treated to a “there but for the grace of God” an “I’ll give you ‘at liberty’” and most glorious of all, a “Jesus, Mary and Joseph”.
There’s only one thing he’s interested in, and that’s catching bent coppers. Unless of course, he is one – jury’s still out.
Next question, why didn’t Balaclava Woman Lisa, played by Rochenda Sandall, kill the female copper? Lisa definitely isn’t comfortable with being a villain.
Elsewhere as the red herrings stacked up, Det Supt Alison Powell, played by Susan Vidler, did a fine turn in dodgy sideways glances. “AC-12 has stumbled across an undercover operation. Now I need you all to stumble away,” she said.
I don’t like the look of her.
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Back at AC-12’s HQ, Maneet, played by Maya Sondhi, won all the awards for Biggest Disappointment.
“You work with someone, you take them at their word. More fool me,” sighed Hastings, the school teacher we all wish we’d had.
She’d conspired with her cousin to pass on info. What was she thinking?
Did she forget where she worked? A few static-haired run-ins with an angry gang later and she soon had her throat slit. I’m no medic but I’d say she was definitely dead.
In yet another shocker, we discovered John is actually Powell’s undercover operative, but had been off comms for months. So whose side is he actually on?
And if that isn’t enough to worry about, DS Steve Arnott, played by Martin Compston, is all alone and probably addicted to painkillers, DI Kate Fleming, played by Vicky McClure, still hasn’t managed to remove her hands from her pockets, and Ted’s stuck in a Travelodge with a broken toilet and a broken marriage.
And there’ll no doubt be more trauma tonight. God, give me strength.
