Having been ridiculed by classicists earlier in the week for failing to know that Socrates didn’t write the account of his own death, the culture secretary, Sajid Javid, was determined there would be no further slip-ups at departmental questions. With files of briefing notes piled high around the dispatch box, no one and nothing was going to catch him on the hop.
“What more can the tourism industry do to ensure that people coming to Gatwick take advantage of the many benefits and tourist attractions in Crawley?” demanded Henry Smith, MP for Crawley. Short of burying Richard III’s body in the long-term car park of the south terminal, it was not immediately clear what anyone could do, as most tourists don’t go on holiday to chill out in the vicinity of a major airport – but Javid wasn’t having any of that kind of defeatist talk.
The minister didn’t so much as glance at his notes before confidently replying: “He will be aware of Visit Sussex, and I encourage the town to work more closely with that and with Tourism South East.” Smith gasped with delight. How come he hadn’t thought of that? Javid just smiled. He was on a roll now and when Roger Williams, MP for Brecon and Radnorshire, mentioned he was worried all the extra visitors to Crawley might keep tourists away from Wales, Javid was immediately on hand with reassurance. “One week from today we will launch the Countryside is Great campaign in New York, with the fantastic Katherine Jenkins performing.”
That turned out to be just one of several initiatives – or “cutting edge consumer campaigns to normalise outdoor activities”, as the ever inspirational sports minister, Helen Grant, put it – that the Department for Culture, Media and Sport had to spring on the Commons. David Heath, MP for Somerton and Frome, however, was much more bothered about having to stand on his kitchen units when he wanted a mobile signal in his own home. Javid promised to look into it. Though not very hard.
Just about the only quality that Nicky Morgan possesses to qualify her as minister for women and equalities is that she is a woman. Was it acceptable that there were only five women on the boards of FTSE 100 companies, she was asked. “Yes and no,” she replied decisively. “It is important to bear in mind that not all women want to become FTSE 100 board directors.” How very true.
You might have thought it was a bit late in the day for Douglas Carswell, Ukip MP for Clacton, to get twitchy about homophobic bullying, but needs must. “It’s been brought to my attention by someone whom I will refer to as ‘a close friend’ in a nearby constituency,” he sobbed plaintively, “that a sexist bully has just announced he will be standing for Thanet South at the next election. Surely one sexist bully is more than enough?”
No one had the heart to tell Carswell the Pub Landlord isn’t a real person, and so Labour’s Gloria De Piero filled the awkward silence by asking if the story of the woman who is told by her boss each day whether or not she has work by a text with a picture of a happy face or a sad face was good employment practice.
Morgan looked at De Piero as if she was stupid. Duh! That wasn’t even worth a reply. It quite clearly depended entirely on whether the happy face was for the days there was no work. Scratch the surface and she’s all heart really.
