Sajid Javid, the communities secretary, wants to make government employees swear an oath to uphold “British values”. His record as a politician offers many clues about what he thinks these are, so we have trawled through it to imagine what Javid’s proposed vow might look like. All together now ...
Sajid Javid’s oath of British values
I pledge allegiance to the union flag, and to the patchwork of obscure, medieval constitutional compromises for which it stands.
More than this, I pledge allegiance to British values.
To freedom – where there is natural gas that is not yet fracked, I will overrule any local council that wants to limit its freedom to surface in their Lancashire village.
To culture – where there is ticket-touting, I will uphold the rights of these classic entrepreneurs to equalise supply and demand at a price point that separates culture vultures from workshy daytrippers.
To social mobility – where there are daughters of cabinet ministers who can have their aspirations raised by accompanying their father, at no expense to the taxpayer, on a government trip to Australia, I will welcome them warmly.
To heritage – not only our own, but the heritage of other nations that it is our heritage to hoard proudly. Where there is an attempt to ratify the Hague convention on the looting of exactly the sorts of foreign art and treasures that fill the British Museum, I will oppose it with all my strength.
To equality – this land belongs to all of us, in theory.*
To an open society – unless a minister blocks access to legal documents showing how US health companies could sue the UK using a secret tribunal system if an NHS policy change hits their profits. In this case, I will simply trust that there is a good reason for this.
Above all, to free enterprise – I believe Britain could be the greatest gig economy in the world. I believe in a future of millions of tiny, parcelled-up micro-jobs that keep Britons chasing the 4.8 star ratings that will keep them above the poverty line. Wherever there are Uber regulations, I will oppose them. Wherever there are unions, I will make it impossible for them to strike legally without a ballot turnout of 50%. Where there are strikers, I will make it legal for companies to use agency workers instead. And where picket supervisors do not wear official armbands, I will make them liable for fines of £20,000.
I shall not rest, nor shall my culturally specific bladed weapon of choice sleep in my hand, till we have built Singapore in this green and pleasant land.
Amen. Live long and prosper.
*Please look up the particulars at the newly privatised Land Registry.
