For the past decade, I have harboured a long and powerful resentment against a man I used to work with. His crime? Calling me “buddy”.
In a pub after work, two hands came crashing down on my shoulders. “Hi buddy!” the man said, making it instantly clear that he didn’t have the first clue who I was. And we worked together. I wrote words for him that he said out loud every day, and at no point did he ever consider the possibility of learning my name.
It’s a trait he shares with the home secretary, Sajid “The Saj” Javid, who is also apparently notorious for swanning around parliament addressing everyone as “buddy”, according to the Times Diary. Frankly, the pair of them deserve each other.
Because “buddy” is dismal. It has an ugly forced jollity. “Hey, it’s you!” it says. “I don’t hold you in any regard whatsoever, and I never think about you when you’re out of my line of sight, but I’m going to pretend we’re friends purely to soothe my rampant and obvious self-infatuation.”
Is “buddy” the worst thing you can call someone whose name you can’t remember? Let’s look at the alternatives.
Pal
Ostensibly the same as “buddy”, “pal” benefits from a harder, more ambiguous sound. It always sounds very slightly mocking, no matter how sincerely it’s deployed. Try it: find someone you don’t know very well and call them “pal”. They won’t know how sarcastic you are being, and you can flee before they have figured out that you are actually quite rude.
Mate
“Mate” is fantastic, but only so long as you already say “mate” often in real life. “Mate” in an unfamiliar mouth is always a dead giveaway of insincerity. Nobody privately educated has ever been able to call someone ‘mate’ without the other person wanting to punch them.
Chum
You are not Bertie Wooster. Leave it out.
Girl/Gurl
Don’t call women “girl”. And definitely don’t call women “gurl”. Especially if you are British. You absolutely cannot get away with it.
Boys
This is much better. Last week, two drunk men were having a fistfight in my front garden, and I broke it up by addressing them as “boys”. It is perfect: informal and superficially friendly, but it also reminds the other party of their father, who they are scared of. “Boys” dropped at the right time is a nuclear weapon. It is indestructible.
Chief
Fun fact: I am always unaccountably happy whenever anyone calls me “chief”. This is because “chief” is an acknowledgement of status and I am very easily flattered. Seriously, that’s all it takes.
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