It is Easter (or was) - a time of mystery and resurrection. What better moment to solve some of the sacred enigmas of the modern era: why was Merle Ginsberg booted from the judges’ panel of RuPaul’s Drag Race at the end of season two? What fiend hides behind the rise of Michelle Visage? And why is everyone on the judges panel so blurry? Well, now we know. Sort of.
In Ru Hollywood Stories, the remaining queens had to summon up their acting skills to give us three separate versions of how Hollywood Reporter’s sharp-tongued Ginsberg came to be replaced in Ru’s harem by Visage. Exegesis is not an exact science, and while the ladies tried their best to lead us to the light, true revelation escaped us. Their teachings were not helped by two truly awful readings of the Book of Ru by Kandy Ho and Jaidynn Diore Fierce, and as it, probably, says in the Gospel according to Cher – the Ho had to go.
Dom: Male enhancement pills. Just a gimmick or do they really work? Cage free, organic Boy Butter. Nasty Pig. Oh, sorry. I was distracted by the ads again. They seem to make more sense than the show these days. The first challenge was some kind of bingo with cute boys in briefs? One of whom had the friendly ghost from Ghostbusters hidden in his package. It was almost as weird as that episode when Moby turned up for no reason whatsoever to have a leaf blower shoved in his face. (That did happen, didn’t it?)
Megan: I mean, if hot dudes wanna show me what’s in their drawers, I’m not sure if I care whether it’s 9.5in or a [redacted] monster! I do enjoy a challenge that’s less about talent and more about about guessing what you’ll find beneath a pair of promotional underpants. I do think, though, that we have to give it up for Ginger Minj for deciding that 24in was enough.
Dom: Let’s talk about Miss Fame. Last week she opened up about her love of chickens; this week she was just cuckoo. Her meltdown was hilarious. “I want to talk real … I don’t know what’s better, should I not talk about my feelings ... because I care a lot. I care a lot about my success.” Oh, boo hoo. Learn your lines. Ross Matthews’s comeback was great: “Oh my god, I feel like I’m dating you.” And she is such an airhead. She’d miss a double entendre if it took her from behind.
Also, who knew Kennedy Davenport was so cray cray? Her explanation of her runway look would have made Lady Gaga gangrenous with envy: “I don’t know what I’m going to be. Maybe burned. Then I’m gonna ‘morphasize’ into a glamazon, but before that is like a night of hooking.”
Megan: I think that, after this week, we all feel like we’ve dated Miss Fame: I get that it’s fantastic to discover that you have feelings and that occasionally people care about them, but then the second thing you need to discover damn quickly is that “people” is not the same as “everybody”. I swear I’ve had that break-up, like, three times already.
Kennedy was a terrible, terrible RuPaul, though. Michelle Visage hasn’t appreciated an impersonation of herself since Sharon Needles, but, damn, Kennedy’s Ru was the worst of the bunch, even accounting for Jaidynn forgetting her lines and teasing her wig out in a way that Dolly Parton’s character in Steel Magnolias would’ve fired Darryl Hannah’s character for.
Dom: Er, Jaidynn Fierce. Is. Not. Out. To. Her. Parents. What are they – deaf, dumb and blind? I’m glad she stayed, though. She really did lip-synch for her life, and for a big girl, she can really move. Did you kinda wish Michelle and Merle would be on together, forever? Maybe get their own show? Those two bitches really seem to hate each other. The Pearl (Visage) v Violet Chachki (Ginsberg) catfight skit was like a glimpse inside their minds.
Megan: I mean, even my parents have openly questioned my sexuality, just because I didn’t exactly fit the straight-girl mould (apparently, vague misandry strikes baby boomers as not-straight?). Jaidynn’s parents – who know she does drag – totally know she also does guys; they’re just hoping otherwise, which is totally unfair.
Truth be told, I kept thinking that Merle was an alt-universe Marlo Thomas. Every time she spoke, I had to tell myself, “No, that is not Marlo Thomas. No.” And, yet ... Ru knows how to cast a good crew.
I did appreciate that the faux Michelles’ necklaces – Bitch, Angel, Crazy – changed up each time. But they were so large I felt like we were being beaten over the head with the subtext, which is I guess the first time I’ve ever complained about that in this show.
Dom: Yer – the whole show was a bit meta, even for Drag Race. They even finally acknowledged the omnipresent Vaseline lens – or do they use Boy Butter?
Best lines
Ginger Minj on the expanded Pit Crew: “It’s like Epcot for the thirsty bitches.”
Michelle Visage on Max’s continued grey hair: “I’m waiting and become impatient.”
Ru: “That’s how that devil bitch Michelle Visage replaced that devil bitch Merle Ginsberg.”
Kennedy Davenport on her look: “After a night of hooking, I got attacked and thrown into a fire and crystallized.”
