On the list of Things The Mill Really Really, Really Didn’t Think Would Happen On Deadline Day, Antonio Conte attempting to re-sign David Luiz is there with the apocalypse and Jim White pulling a brazen sickie so that he can stay home and watch Bake Off on loop.
David Luiz might seem an odd choice of defender for a man who has spent most of the last five years working with Italy’s most streetwise bouncers, but the word on the street is that Chelsea will pay £32m to bring him back from Paris. Conte is also planning to buy Fiorentina full-back and Bolton legend Marcos Alonso.
“Union” Jack Wilshere will turn down Milan, Roma and Valencia so that he can join Crystal Palace or Bournemouth on loan. Across London, Daniel Levy is at serious risk of spending some money on Newcastle’s Moussa Sissoko or Real Madrid’s Isco.
Claudio Ranieri likes the look of Sporting Lisbon pair Islam Slimani and Adrien Silva, and to hell with a combined fee in excess of £50m.
Bastian Schweinsteiger has endeared himself to José Mourinho some more. When offered a free transfer to Sporting Lisbon, Schweinsteiger slowly plonked both feet on the nearest table and carefully enunciated the word: “Nah.” In other Old Trafford news, Valencia have a vacancy for a scatterbrained Argentinian left-back who somehow got into the team of the 2014 World Cup and thus like the look of Marcos Rojo’s CV.
Tony Pulis has raised £32m by selling his entire baseball cap collection and plans to spend it on Watford’s Odion Ighalo. That will allow Saido Berahino to go to Stoke and thus end the dullest saga in transfer history.
Sunderland are keen on Lorient’s Didier Ndong, St-Étienne’s Florentin Pogba – elder brother of Paul – and Mamadou Sakho.
Manchester City rejects Eliaquim Mangala and Samir Nasri are likely to join Porto and Sevilla on loan with a view to never darkening Pep Guardiola’s door again. And finally, Jim White has just woken up with a smile on his face.
