TEPID TIMES
Having found a way to finish third in a two-horse race last season, Tottenham Hotspur know that anything’s possible during a title run-in. “Nothing is impossible,” Mauricio Pochettino confirmed the other day, although it’s likely that the Spurs boss has never had the pleasure of watching the Fiver’s doomed attempts to hold it together every time it goes speed dating. One barbed comment about the Fiver’s signature aroma of pickled onions is usually all it takes for its bottom lip to start quivering and hot, salty, shaming tears to pour down its snot-covered face, a scene that actually brings to mind Tottenham’s collapse last May, come to think of it.
But just like Fiver and its painfully misguided optimism that it’s going to be different this time, that this is the night when no one laughs out loud at an invite to watch the new Power Rangers film, Pochettino’s men are back for more and head to Swansea City tonight praying for another slip from Chelsea, who’ve given them a sniff of glory after warming up for Manchester City’s visit to Stamford Bridge by losing to Crystal Palace on the weekend. With nine games to go, Chelsea’s seven-point lead is imposing enough, but Antonio Conte is dreading the thought of his team experiencing the kind of collapse he suffered as a player in 1999-00, when Lazio overhauled reeled-in Juventus to win the Serie A title. “I didn’t sleep for a week after that,” Conte grimaced and although it’s not quite on yet, it could be if Chelsea stumble against City.
The temperature is rising as the heat of battle intensifies and Conte has responded by playfully ruffling Tottenham’s adorable little head. Aw, aren’t they cute? Look at them trying to be grown-ups! Look at them thinking that they matter! Aw! “I think the difference between Chelsea and Tottenham is this: if you stay in Chelsea and win, it’s normal,” Chelsea’s manager said, condescension oozing from his every pore. “If you stay in Tottenham, if you win, it’s great, great but, if you lose … it’s not a disaster, no? Because you find a lot of ‘situations’ to explain a good season.”
Of course, all the managerial jabber in the world won’t matter if Chelsea just keep winning, though it’s not just Conte who’s Having His Say. Pep Guardiola has also been on the talk. “In my case I had to win the treble and change English football, so you could say expectations were quite high,” City’s manager said. “I was always going to fall short.” Such candid remarks were seized upon by the Fiver’s English cousin, Sexually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who, failing to detect the irony, stopped banging on about blue passports and Gibraltar for long enough to write to his local MP to demand that Guardiola change his name to Fraudiola.
However it turns out that Guardiola was pointing out that Chelsea have had it relatively easy because of their absence from Europe, whereas City’s title hopes were distracted by their careful preparations for their last-16 exit from Big Cup. Ooo! Burn! It’s all set up for another feisty encounter, especially after Chelsea’s win at the Etihad Stadium in December ended with a 22-man cartoon brawl after Sergio Agüero’s comically inept and vicious foul on Sideshow Dave. Conte has promised that there’s absolutely no need for Agüero to move to Cape Feare and change his name to Sergio Thompson, but it’s worth keeping an eye on Sideshow Dave’s elbows. This is the time of the year when the tension makes people do weird things. For instance, the Fiver has a spare ticket to Power Rangers tonight. Who’s in?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was supporting Aston Villa! I wanted to get on that pitch so badly, and I knew I’d have a better chance if United were losing” – Team player Federico Macheda, now at Italian club Novara, reminds everyone about that goal.
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FIVER LETTERS
“After reading the Red Devils [I think you’ll find it is Manchester United – Fiver Ed] match report and BTL comments I started thinking perhaps the Fiver is just seriously misunderstood by all of us. I quite enjoyed Paul Wilson’s line about IbraHIMovic as “The self-proclaimed mane man put a last-minute header over the bar” after all this talk with Zlatan referring to himself in the third feline context - only to have some knucklehead honestly correct Mr Wilson BTL and state, unsurprisingly with out humour “its main man not mane man”. Perhaps we just don’t get the Fiver and it’s deep intricacies. No I did not really think so either” – Graham Haslam.
“It’s a testament to the medical staff at Manchester City who’ve worked miracles and resurrected Jesus in time for Easter. However it’s a pity he won’t be ready to face Moses and Eden tonight” – Tony Crawford.
OK I submit. Clearly I had under-researched Dacia Dusters [Monday’s Fiver] and underestimated the depth of interest and capacity for research among Fiver readers. My apologies for having wasted the valuable time spent garnering evidence to refute my assertion. I still think ‘Killer’ Kincline could make a good Doctor Who. I should get out more” – Liam Hamilton.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sunderland paid Margaret Byrne – the disgraced former chief executive who resigned last March after taking responsibility for the gross mishandling of the Adam Johnson child abuse case – a sum in the region of £750,000 last year in exchange for her signing a confidentiality agreement.
José Mourinho ain’t happy, despite Manchester United’s last-minute equaliser against Everton. “We have the attacking players, we have the chances but we don’t convert enough. We tried to take a short cut by sending Marouane Fellaini to play up next to Zlatan,” he muttered.
Manchester City have signed a 10-year partnership with a second division club in Uruguay, Club Atlético Torque, whose average gate is just 250.
Uefa president Aleksander Ceferin has told leading clubs that he would never allow the creation of a European super league. “We will never give in to the blackmail of those who think they can manipulate small leagues or impose their will on the associations because they think they are all powerful on account of the astronomical revenues they generate”, he cheered.
The US women’s national soccer team and their federation have ratified a new deal on pay and conditions, bringing to an end a long-running dispute that put USA’s top stars in serious conflict with their employers.
After signing Yakubu Aiyegbeni in February, Coventry City have pushed the Nigerian through a door marked ‘Do One’ after zero goals in 69 minutes of action, including these two. “The club can announce that former Everton striker Yakubu has had his contract mutually terminated, with immediate effect,” said a Coventry suit. “The club would like to wish Yakubu all the best for the future.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The Premier League’s elite player performance plan launched five years ago to give big clubs the chance to rob from the poor develop a long-term progressive player performance strategy to benefit all football stakeholders. Nick Ames reports on how Swansea embraced it.
Brentford reacted to the EPPP by closing their academy and signing Premier League outcasts instead. Here’s Ed Aarons on how it’s going so far.
Arsène Wenger Out’s pronouncements are getting more and more gnomic. He’s reached the doublethink stage, says Paul Wilson.
Gareth Bale, Gazza and Him are among those who sat down to tell Copa90 what it takes to make the grade as a pro.
This week’s Knowledge: has there ever been a professional football player-chairman?
Luke Shaw might not fancy working under employer-of-the-month José Mourinho that much longer, reckons The Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
