I refuse to play favourites with the latest “revelations” from Paul Burrell, at which even the more credulous reaches of his Texan housewife fan base may feel moved to cock an eyebrow.
But I do reserve a special giggle for the fact that Princess Di’s former butler is now represented by an agent called Adam Muddle. Adam certainly does seem to be in one, if his comments on Paul’s relationship with Her Maj are anything to go by. Let’s take a squiz: “Paul wants to talk about the scandal that happened on the royal yacht Britannia,” he informs the Sun, “which is where members of the navy were dismissed for being caught up in a gay orgy. Paul was there. But he wasn’t arrested or subjected to any sort of criminal charges because he was the Queen’s right-hand man at that point.”
Of course, official records show that the Queen’s principal private secretary at that moment in time was Phillip Moore, while Paul doesn’t even get a Keeper of the Cornflakes credit. But who do you think is going to know more about this – official records or Adam Muddle?
“It is believed,” Muddle believes, “the Queen pulled him to one side and told him how disappointed she was, and told him he had to get back on the right track and find himself a nice girl and become married.”
Defo – and I’m glad Paul’s pinning his subsequent life choices on the Queen. This exchange now makes a lovely companion piece to the time Her Majesty told him: “Be careful, Paul! There are powers at work in this country about which we have no knowledge!” That warning, you may recall, came in a fireside conversation shortly after Princess Diana’s death in 1997, when she also observed with her characteristic gushiness: “No one, Paul, has been as close to a member of my family as you have.” Back then, Burrell was smart enough to realise that the only way to “protect the Princess’s world and keep her secrets safe” was to take as many of her dresses and various other portable items as he could fit into the boot of his car, then store them in his attic until the police found them in a swiftly escalated misunderstanding some years later. He had told the Queen of these idiosyncratic archiving arrangements in that very meeting, with Elizabeth II “nodding her approval and smiling”. Hmm. Smile and nod, ma’am. SMILE AND NOD.
This week’s other big reveal, apparently, is that Burrell has come out of the closet. If you felt like you already knew this, you are not alone. Meanwhile, a muddled Muddle presumably forgot having just mentioned the Queen giving Paul a ticking-off about the orgy, because he also says that only one woman in the world ever knew of his sexuality.
“He did share it with Diana when he worked with her,” we learn, “because they were so close.” You’ll enjoy the way this period is characterised as Burrell “working with” Princess Di, as though they were equal partners on some professional project. If you’re asking me about their complementary skillsets, I’d say Diana brought being the Princess of Wales to the table, while Paul brought her meals to the table. And then took them away again when she had finished.
Still, it is perennially amusing to hear from Burrell, who I imagine would like to be played by Channing Tatum in series four of The Crown. According to Adam Muddle, Paul is to marry his partner in a lavish ceremony in the Lake District next month, and I urge one of the second-tier magazines to snap up rights to the event at once. He always rises to an occasion, and is only to be encouraged.
