Ladies and gentlemen…this is how it feels to be love-bombed. The new generation of royals really, really want our affection.
So much so, they’re prepared to pour out their hearts to prove they’re truly adorable people without whom we would be bereft of colour and joy and something to talk about over breakfast.
Oh, and they’re definitely worth the money. What’s £300million a year between friends?
The handsome princes and their pretty partners are nice folk who’ve known their share of woes – so let’s not rock the constitutional boat too much, eh?
There has been such an obvious ratcheting up of the PR machine in their favour that we could almost feel sorry for Prince Charles, a man whose grasp on the throne is becoming so weak it’s just as well he doesn’t have to squeeze his own toothpaste tube.
The young ’uns are regaling us with every cough and splutter of their lives after years of telling us to keep our snouts out.
In the past couple of weeks, we’ve heard of the struggles endured by Princes William and Harry in the aftermath of their mother’s death, a surprising level of detail considering they have always – understandably – been strident guardians of their own privacy.
Then we’re given the cheering news Kate is pregnant again. She’s again laid up with hyperemesis gravidarum, a horrible, extreme form of morning sickness.
The condition blighted the pregnancies of some of my friends. Sadly, they didn’t find anything like the same level of empathy.
She’s just a normal working mum, we’re led to believe, as susceptible as any to the natural rigours of pregnancy hormones, poor thing.
Though she can choose to shun work, stay in bed, pay for the best treatment and pull in round-the-clock childcare. And no one’s telling her to suck on a Polo mint till it passes. There’s been screeds of guidance for the royal couple on the transition from two-child stability to three-child chaos.
But as a mum of three myself, all the warnings I could offer seem as wildly irrelevant as the fact that their third baby will not be entitled to child tax credit: You’ll need a bigger car (they’ve got a fleet of limos), more rooms (they live in palaces) and more money (we pay them squillions).
You’ll also forget how your breasts used to look (see, Kate, one day you may be grateful for those intrusive paparazzi snaps from the pre-baby days of topless sunbathing).
As the good-news campaign drive gathered pace, Prince Harry threw in his contribution. Actress Meghan Markle was permitted to gush to Vanity Fair about their relationship.
This less than a year after the prince issued a formal open letter demanding her privacy.
It’s all part of the game of keeping us engaged, isn’t it? Whoever drew up their new PR strategy is surely in line for a gong.
When being love-bombed, a healthy level of cynicism is important. Consider what the suitors have to gain.
With a new royal baby on the way, and a possible wedding on the cards, there’s more of them to pay for all the time.
Last year, the Government announced the amount of taxpayers’ money spent on the royal family will increase by 66 per cent over the next decade, partly to help renovate Buck House.
Now there are many things for which we might be prepared to stump up, as Nicola Sturgeon will discover as she pursues her plans for “responsible and progressive” tax policies in the coming year.
Education and the NHS, for example. The implementation of Frank’s Law, providing free personal care for those under-65s with dementia and degenerative conditions. I’m in for that. But an ever-expanding royal family? Nah. Beware the love-bombers. They may love us now but we’ll pay in the end.
