Nobody thought it possible, but it has finally happened: a man has changed a nappy. In undeniable proof that the British royal family was chosen and anointed by God, royal sources have confirmed that Prince Harry has attended to the nappies of his young son Archie.
This is big, epoch-defining news, which explains why it made the front page of the Sunday Times and has elsewhere been reported as a “royal REVEAL”. If the breathless media reporting is anything to go by, you would think that it was a scientifically proven fact that men lack the complex motor skills necessary to wipe a baby’s backside and then fasten two pieces of Velcro-style adhesive.
Sources added that Harry is determined to share the parental load “absolutely equally”. The report was published shortly after he left his wife and baby to fly to the Netherlands to attend the launch of the fifth Invictus Games. In fairness, it’s for a good cause, and in fairness people are also going to accuse the Duchess of Sussex of abandoning her baby when she goes back to work, whether that’s next week or five years from now.
First-time parents can feel bewildered by the logistics of fastening a fiddly device on to a tiny newborn. And by changing a nappy, Harry has at least leapfrogged other famous fathers who refused the job, such as Jacob Rees-Mogg (“I wouldn’t do it properly”), Simon Cowell (“It’s like watching your girlfriend go to the loo”), Kevin Hart (“I’m around when the diaper is being changed, which makes me a part of the process …”, although it seems he has since had a change of heart) and Russell Brand (“I’m very, very focused on the mystical connotations of Mabel’s beauty and grace”).
Mind you, plenty of other famous dads have been able to work out the wizardry of a nappy; we know this because they love to overstate their enjoyment of changing nappies. David Beckham once claimed that it was “one of [his] passions”. Chris Martin said that it is “mentally cleansing”. And now Prince Harry has joined the club. Now he too can enjoy scrubbing diarrhoea from an impractically coloured rug.
