THE ROONEY BLUES
After questioning the Goodison Park postman yet again about the puzzling lack of fan mail delivered to his purpose-built, gold-initialed BS letterbox, Big Sam Allardyce went ahead with an early press conference on Friday and addressed other issues, including the prospect of Wayne Rooney upping sticks to the USA! USA!! USA!!! “I don’t get involved in transfers but there seems to be an interest from DC United,” he warbled. “My understanding is there seems to have been some negotiation along the line but as for clarity as to whether Wayne is staying or going, we’ll see later on … but let’s be clear, Wayne Rooney hasn’t asked to leave.”
Whenever suggestions of Rooney going somewhere foreign have surfaced in the past, they have been accompanied by widespread, patronising t1tters suggesting this is a grown man who could not handle any kind of change of culture. The Fiver is not convinced those concerns are valid, especially this time. Admittedly, we have never heard of DC United but if, as we hope, they are affiliated to the comics, then that means Rooney will be surrounded by characters such as Two-Face, Darkseid, Sinestro, Reverse Flash and Bizarro, which doesn’t sound all that different to a Premier League dressing room.
Rooney might even befriend some superhero over there with the power to reverse the ageing process, and what a happy encounter that would be for a 32-year-old with an unforgiving body. What is more, he might learn and feed back to fellow Evertonians who are unmoved by Big Sam’s football the details of the life of Bizarro, who, of course, was created with a duplicating ray by Lex Luthor to be a mirror image of Superman that Luthor could control. But things didn’t go to the villain’s plan and Bizarro came into being feeling a lot like The Fiver does on a Saturday night, wailing: “Me not human … me not creature .. me not even animal! Me unhappy! Me don’t know difference between right and wrong, good and evil!”
Things got really sticky when Bizarro became infatuated with Lois Lane. Happily, Lane was quick-witted enough to use a duplicating ray on herself and create Bizarro Lois, who immediately fell in love with Bizarro. The smitten couple departed to settle down together on another planet. The lesson being, Everton fans, that there is always a mutually convenient way to end a relationship that you’re not getting any joy out of. So long as you can find a duplicating ray and/or some helpful DC characters.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When you’ve been used to playing for Arsenal for eight years, and for City for six, it’s always going to be a shock” – Istanbul Basaksehir’s Gaël Clichy gets his chat on with Will Unwin.
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“Due to GDPR I’ve had to re-subscribe to The Fiver and, in doing so, I see you’re introducing a new format promising ‘news and gossip in our own belligerent, sometimes intelligent and – very occasionally – funny way’. Can’t you just stick with the old format? I don’t quite know why, but I kinda like it the way it is” – Phil Smyth.
“Reading about the Bunnymen (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) brings to mind the last time Liverpool won Big Cup. I worked for a concert promoter at the time, and we had Oasis playing a too-small-for-them venue in south London. After much tense negotiation the band agreed to delay their performance, with the match being shown in the venue on a big screen. You can imagine the powers of persuasion needed to coax the Gallaghers from their dressing room, considerably further delayed by both extra-time and penalties, only to be serenaded on stage to Liverpool chants which continued between every song of their set. Happy days” – Neil Wyatt.
“The Bunnies have changed their minds and will now play in Brum while the Reds do battle with Los Blancos” – David Morgans.
“The fashion for holding up tatty pieces of cardboard (yesterday’s Fiver letters) started with song suggestions at Springsteen concerts. Not that we’re likely to see ‘Born to Run’ held up in an attempt to inspire Reading’s notoriously immobile forwards” – Alan Giles.
“I noticed that Boreham Wood (yesterday’s letters) are from Borehamwood. Splitting apart your place of origin’s name is a sadly underused naming method for teams. Think how much more fun life would be if people cheered on Totten Ham, the Man Chester teams, and Ar$e Nal. Probably no more fun, actually, but that’s life for you” – Kári Tulinius.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Neil Wyatt.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A former Chelsea youth player has alleged that Gwyn Williams presided over a “mini apartheid state” there and may join a group of former members of the junior setup seeking to take legal action against the club.
Renowned nurturer of flamboyant youth, José Mourinho, is keen on bringing Justin Kluivert to Old Trafford, where he can stick him in a cupboard and leave it to a cleaner to rediscover him in 2023 and suggest that maybe he should get a game.
Arsène Wenger, perhaps on a demob happy wind-up, claims his best Arsenal work was done while paying off the club’s credit card. “From 2006 to 2015 it was certainly the period where I needed to be strongest and did the best job,” he honked.
Swansea’s Leon Britton, who has played a gazillion games for the club, is to hang his up well-worn boots. “I don’t want to spend another year in the physio room and not playing,” he sniffed.
Gareth Southgate will announce his England squad for the Ethics World Cup on Wednesday. Hang on in there $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver!
And in a move sure to make PO’JT green with envy, Real Sociedad will replace their badge with a picture of retiring legend Xabi Prieto in their last home game of the season against Leganés. “Xabi has always played for the badge,” cheered a club suit.
STILL WANT MORE?
Swansea are doomed – and their chief suit and absentee owners are largely to blame for a lack of philosophy and bobbins football, reports Stuart James.
Kudos to our writers for finding 10 things to look out for on the final day of the Premier League season.
Fulham have never won a game in the play-offs, but that hasn’t stopped manager Slavisa Jokanovic from bullishly flaring his nostrils before their first leg with Derby, hoots Paul MacInnes.
Is Luis Suárez off to the Queen’s Celtic, $tevie Mbe’s Pope’s Newc O’Rangers or PSG? The Mill has the answer to that tricky question.
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