ROMAN HOLIDAY?
Football is a strange old business, full of strange old people, so the Fiver is not remotely surprised to learn that Tammy Abraham has moved from Chelsea to Roma for a fee of £34m. Despite playing just 17 minutes in the final three months of last season, Abraham finished it as his club’s joint-top scorer. But Thomas Tuchel prefers the prolific Timo Werner, who took 20 additional games to match Abraham’s 12-goal tally and whose six goals in 36 league games to date evoke fond memories of Robert Fleck, Chris Sutton, Mateja Kezman and Andriy Shevchenko alike.
Of course, it’s hard to criticise Tuchel, a footballing savant who somehow twigged that three centre-backs protected by two defensive midfielders and two defensive wing-backs would make his team hard to score against (especially when the opposing manager is even savantier). As such, Chelsea’s Champions League win not only secured Tuchel’s job for the foreseeable four months, but obscured the combover just about secured to his head so well that no one knows it even exists. Behold the power of tactical genius!
To replace Abraham, Tuchel has already bought Romelu Lukaku, because spending £97.5m on a 28-year-old striker with an unreliable first touch and questionable big-game record makes perfect sense. But before you – yes, you – get your fury on, please be assured that the Fiver recognises there is no better striker in the world (who plays like he’s carrying a grand piano) than Lukaku.
As for Abraham, he joins José Mourinho at the Stadio Olimpico, Mourinho’s punishment for the mess he made at Spurs having been a move from Tottenham to the Eternal City. Though the Fiver hopes the deal works out well, it is necessarily fearful because, as the famous saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day but it can sure as hell be destroyed in a three-year cycle.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Cristiano is a Real Madrid legend and he has all my love and respect. I have never considered signing him. We look forward” – Carlo Ancelotti does us all a favour and squashes fresh Ronaldo-to-Real rumours via the medium of Social Media Disgrace Twitter.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Gunnersaurus gets lairy, Pep plays a peaky blinder and Graeme Souness is still furious. It can only be David Squires with his look back over the Premier League’s opening weekend.
FIVER LETTERS
“Monday’s last line was a link to the Newcastle club shop selling a hooded sweatshirt for £165. To be fair, that’s actually only part of the deal – the price also includes any first-team player of the buyer’s choosing” – Mike Wilner.
“John Lawton [Monday’s letters] is mistaken – Arsenal weren’t top before they took the field on Friday. They were labouring in third alphabetically behind Abramovich XI and Abu Dhabi FC” – Nick Smith.
“Never mind the great joke it played on Arsenal, that bloody fixtures machine obviously has a vicious sadistic streak. Why else would it serve up a 600-mile round trip to Barrow on a Tuesday night for travelling Exeter fans?” – Jeremy Boyce.
“Looking at their upcoming fixtures, Arsenal will likely end the month of August with zero points from three games. Do we call the current team ‘the Invisibles’?” – Krishna Moorthy.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner is Mike Wilner, who gets a copy of The Hard Yards: A Season in the Championship, Football’s Toughest League by Nige Tassell. It’s available in hardback from 19 August and we have more to give away.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Two Mauritius FA board members have resigned and police are investigating after a phone was found recording video in a women’s bathroom at the governing body’s HQ.
Harry Kane has taken part in Tottenham training for the first time under Nuno Espírito Santo and could feature in their Big Shield play-off against Paços de Ferreira, according to Lahn’s E’nin Stannah.
In a surprise development, Manchester City club legend Pablo Zabaleta has said he hopes Kane moves to the Etihad. “We’ll see if the money is there but it will be nice to see him playing for City,” Zabaleta cheered while waving an inflatable banana.
In equally shocking news, Louis van Gaal has backed himself to bring World Cup glory to the Netherlands. “I think if I was the Dutch FA, I’d also have approached me. Who else could have done it?” Van Gaal roared at his unveiling as the new Oranje manager.
Formerly free agent Ørjan Nyland is free no more after the Norwegian goalkeeper put pen to paper at Bournemouth. In other transfer news, Derby have signed Phil Jagielka and striker Sam Baldock on short-term deals.
Barcelona, Real Madrid and Juventus, seemingly happy with how that whole European Super League thing went, are now the only breakaway teams that haven’t returned to the European Club Association fold – all six English sides involved in the weird, misguided adventure have now rejoined.
The Queen’s Celtic will make more signings before the transfer deadline, according to their manager [at time of writing – Fiver Ed], Ange Postecoglou. “It’s just a matter of timing and getting things done,” Postecoglou muttered. “It’s not as straightforward as it used to be.”
And Mark van Bommel’s debut as Wolfsburg manager could have gone better: the new manager brought on too many substitutes in their German Cup win over fourth-tier Preußen Munster, with the Bundesliga side booted out of the tournament as a result.
STILL WANT MORE?
Wayne Rooney is facing an uphill task to keep Wayne Rooney’s Derby County in the Championship, according to Ben Fisher.
USA! USA!! USA!!! star Carli Lloyd spent much of her career trying to prove her doubters wrong – and the results speak for themselves, writes Beau Dure.
Is Son Heung-min the heir to Harry Kane as Tottenham’s attacking talisman? Jonathan Liew certainly thinks so.
Meanwhile, Jacob Steinberg argues that Kane would offer Manchester City a much-needed ruthless streak, if they are prepared to pay the big bucks.
Cristiano Ronaldo to join Lionel Messi at PSG All-Stars? Sure, why not, says today’s Rumour Mill.
Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
