Name: Robert Mugabe.
Age: 91.
Appearance: Befuddled lord mayor.
Occupation: President of Zimbabwe.
What does that entail? Consolidating power, allegations of overseeing electoral fraud, impoverishing a nation while enriching oneself and one’s cronies, giving speeches.
Giving speeches, you say? Tell me more. It’s all part of the job. This week, for example, Mugabe delivered a speech at the opening of Zimbabwe’s parliament.
How was it received? His audience felt they had heard it all before.
That’s politicians for you – always trotting out the same bland pronouncements. But they really had heard it all before. Mugabe was accidentally armed with a copy of a speech he had already delivered in parliament less than a month ago.
I’ll bet he was cross when he realised. He didn’t realise. He re-read the 25-minute speech – his state of the nation address from 25 August – in its entirety.
Oh dear. How did the audience react? Polite, embarrassed applause from his supporters; respectful, awkward silence from the opposition.
Did it go down any better the first time? No. On that occasion Mugabe was jeered by members of the opposition party, the MDC.
Why didn’t they jeer this time, when he read it all over again? It seems some opposition MPs were sent anonymous death threats by text, warning them not to disrupt proceedings.
How disturbing. They had intended to protest anyway, but after Zimbabwe state TV cancelled the live feed as a precaution, they may have decided there was little point.
So the mistake went unremarked? Afterwards an MDC spokesman called for Mugabe’s resignation, insisting that “he no longer has the requisite mental faculties that are needed for him to continue in office”.
I know that ruthless despots are never keen to step down, but perhaps it’s time. The question is, who would succeed him?
Yes, I was just going to ask that. Mugabe’s wife, Grace, is in the frame – she’s been given a senior role in the ruling Zanu-PF party – although she has enemies among the elite. There are also rumours that Joice Mujuru, Mugabe’s former protege and vice-president, will launch a new political movement in a bid to take power.
Do say: “Mugabe may be old, but he’s a remarkable survivor.”
Don’t say: “And besides, Mugabe may be old, but he’s a remarkable survivor.”
