THE WORLD CUP FEVER
Wallchart affixed to fridge door with novelty football magnets? Tick. Panini album half-filled in and forgotten about? Tick. Seventeen different World Cup supplements devoured and scoured? Tick. Profiles of all 736 players travelling to Russia from Big Website’s interactive memorised? Tick. Big Paper’s 100-page guide to World Cup 2018 on standby for pub debate settlement? Tickety-tick tick tick! Armed with all the requisite gear but still as clueless as ever, your World Cup FiveЯ is so wound up with anticipation it could be nicknamed “The Fever”, so giddy with excitement do we find ourselves as we continue the countdown to Thursday, when the competition kicks off.
Of course no Fifa competition worth its salt can start without an official opening ceremony, the kind of garish, bland and inoffensive jamborees that are eagerly anticipated on the grounds that they: a) signal the beginning of a month’s worth of non-stop competitive international football action; and b) raise the comic possibility of seeing a former lead singer of the Supremes attempt the kind of penalty fans don’t normally expect to see taken so inexpertly until England have made it through to the knockout stages. Of course, in the interests of historical accuracy and pedantry it should be noted that Diana Ross famously shanked her spot-kick wide of a collapsible goal’s upright ahead of USA! USA!! USA!!! 94, a competition at which England – unlike Diana – didn’t actually get to kick a ball.
World Cup opening ceremonies have varied in quality down the years from the commendable simplicity of placard-wielding schoolboys in full kit (England 1966), to men and women in national folk dress emerging from giant footballs (1974), to scantily clad raunchy dancers (Mexico 1986), to predictable pretentiousness (France 1998), to the equally predictable army of drum-beating Bavarians in lederhosen (Germany 2006). But Fifa has announced the 2018 Ethics World Cup opening ceremony “will have a slightly different format compared to previous editions”, with every indication suggesting it will – if nothing else – be mercifully brief.
“This time, the ceremony will focus on musical acts and will take place much closer to kick-off,” announced Fifa of a shindig set to take place at the Luzhniki Stadium on Thursday, featuring the mouthwatering prospect of Robbie Williams singing Let Me Entertain You before Russia v Saudi Arabia, a match many are predicting will be a total snooze-fest. “I’ve done a lot in my career, and opening the [Ethics] World Cup to 80,000 football fans in the stadium and many millions all over the world is a boyhood dream,” enthused the popster as he channelled his inner Robbie Keane.
With Jason Orange and Howard otherwise engaged, the former Take That singer will be joined on stage by Russian soprano Aida Garifullina, with “the football glory that all players will be hoping to achieve on Russian soil” represented by Brazil’s maraca-waving two-time World Cup winner Real Ronaldo on vibes. O Fenômeno may be carrying a wee bit more timber now than in his heyday, but if called upon to take a ceremonial penalty this Thursday you’d still be inclined to bet on him putting it away.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I got sent off in the final, one of the Fifa guys whisked me off to a special room because I was on the list of players to be controlled by the anti-doping team. I found myself stuck in this room where there was no television screen, so no way of knowing what was going on. I was livid! How could I stay there, shut off to the world, not knowing what was going on during the match?” – our new colleague, Marcel Desailly, recalls the 1998 World Cup final and how he almost missed France’s glory.
ETHICS WORLD CUP GUIDE
Here we go, then, our bumper rundown of all 736 [SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX – Fiver vidiprinter] players at Russia 2018.
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BITS AND BOBS
Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov has been taking the full PR advantage of hosting Egypt’s World Cup preparations in Grozny. “Mohammed Salah is the best footballer in the world, and an overall perfect person,” he cheered.
Fifa’s got new rules, it counts them. Not that Dele Alli is worried, even as someone with previous for retrospective punishment. “I’ve got everything under control,” he tooted. “You have to stay concentrated and you can’t do stupid things.”
Uruguay forward Luis Suárez is another preaching the good behaviour line, what with that 2014 nibble still relatively fresh in the mind. “It was my mistake,” he sighed. “So I have a debt to repay to myself and Uruguay, to try to show a good image.”
Neymar seems to have escaped his Brazil comeback unscathed after scoring in a 3-0 win over what he felt was an over-physical Austria unit. “We got ready for the UFC today, but it was good,” he cooed. “Everyone was unharmed.”
And Fabio Capello, who oversaw this and this, has been ruminating on England’s approach to World Cups. “This never-ending 66, the returning ghost, something with its white tentacles … and you can no longer perform in the way you should,” he roared. “The other teams get on with it and win. They don’t come up with these excuses. They’re losers’ excuses. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s not a prison. These are all things people make up in the wake of defeats.”
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
STILL WANT MORE?
Daniel Taylor sets the scene for Russia 2018.
Traffic, shashlik and craft beer: what fans can expect in Russia.
Next in our profiles … Tunisia! Plus a profile of Wahbi Khazri.
“I hope Argentina can meet Leo Messi’s standard.” Javier Mascherano gets his chat on with Marcela Mora y Araujo.
Andrés Iniesta also bends Sid Lowe’s ear in this cracking interview.
Proper Journalism’s David Conn on a World Cup even MI6 couldn’t deny Putin.
Essam El-Hadary, 84, is aiming to pull out all stops in Russia, writes Hatem Maher.
Amy Lawrence’s World Cup memories.
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