Comedy Central is making Justin Bieber’s dreams come true: the child star turned Calvin Klein model will be roasted on national television, just like he’s always wanted. (Really!)
“Justin has been asking us for a few years to roast him, and we just kept telling him to create more source material first,” said network president Kent Alterman. “We’re thrilled he listened.”
And, like a true comedy pro, Bieber’s already taken his cue and run with it.
“For years I have wanted Comedy Central to roast me,” the singer tweeted. “They said only if I provided them w/ more material so for a year now I have worked hard.”
Indeed he has, friends. In addition to his latest (allegedly Photoshopped) modelling gig, Bieber’s done everything from break sales records to hearts to landing in jail to peeing in a bucket at a restaurant (and in a jail cell – dude just doesn’t care). Frankly, there’s so much material it’s almost unfair: after all, Bieber’s a barely-twentysomething boy who grew up under a freakishly bright spotlight. That’s not a normal upbringing – he was plucked from the internet when he was just a tiny, wee thing. There’s no way comics can go as far as they probably want to and stay within the boundaries of good taste. Considering the last few years he’s had, shouldn’t we go easy on the little guy?
Absolutely not. First, the beauty of roasts is their complete lack of boundaries and/or sensitivity-awareness. (Roasts are about good jokes and meanness – if you don’t want to get your feelings hurt, stay home and listen to Baby.) Second, as much as we may all still see him as a teen who sang his way into our hearts, Bieber is a grown-up, or at least legal, consenting man. It’s not like a roast chooses a person at random – you ask to be roasted, and networks and comedians respond. The rest is magic. Justin knows exactly what he’s getting into.
Which is what will actually make it worth watching. Despite his now-infamous legacy, Bieber is reasonably self-aware. (Who else could “yes and” the Comedy Network executive and “lol” at SNL’s spoof of his underwear ad?) He’s also relatively smart: while the drag racing and fan-spitting may have made us forget, prior to his tear as a teen-with-a-bank-account, he was very present in his decision-making and brand. (Remember how upset he got in Never Say Never when he had to cancel a concert, and subsequently upset his fans?)
So yeah: Bieber knows that the last two years will be fair game. He knows that his 2013 fight with paparazzi in London will provide minimal fodder compared to his affinity for shirtlessness. (Always shirtless! The next Adam Levine, for sure.) And at some point, he’ll be rightfully mocked for writing “Anne was a great girl” in the guest book at the Anne Frank Haus in Amsterdam. Hopefully, he’ll be made to remember when his pet monkey was taken away by German officials, and failed to pay them to take care of it, and we can only pray that whoever’s involved will bring up one of 2013’s greatest highlights: when Bieber was carried up the Great Wall of China.
The assault, DUI, and drag racing charges will be included and accounted for, as will even more shirtlessness, we hope, because honestly: he’s a rich person who can afford clothes.
Frankly, this roast might even trump James Franco’s as an exercise in saying what everybody’s been thinking forever – just articulated better, and by famous people. And hey, if Marky Mark can go on to earn Oscar nominations after his Bieber-like days, maybe Bieber can root his rebellion in comedy.
