During their brief life span, One Direction were the perfect demonstration of unity. No, the members probably weren’t friends. No, they never really wanted to be in a boy band in the first place. But despite their crude flinging together, they ground out their differences and made it work. They became proof that differing ideologies could coexist in close quarters. Then they split up and the lesson was lost and everyone voted for Brexit. This cannot be a coincidence.
Still, One Direction’s something-for-everyone ethos still stands, albeit in atomised fashion. No matter your political persuasion, there is still an ex-member for you. Brexiters, you would imagine, could happily group around Liam; a young man so closely modelled on Gary Barlow that he presumably dreams of knighthoods and ethically unsound tax avoidance schemes.
Nonvoters have Zayn, the one who bailed early to devote his life to shrugging listlessly at nothing all the time. And the so-called re-leavers – the weak-kneed agnostics who voted remain but are now pro-Brexit because it’s happening anyway and they have long since checked in their spines at the door – can probably choose between either of the two who stood at the back, whatever their names are, because what the hell.
Fortunately, we few remaining remoaners have been left with the actual star of the show. Harry Goddamn Styles – sex god, rock god and burgeoning Hollywood star – has announced his staunchish solidarity with the 48%. “Honestly, I’m probably going to vote for whoever is against Brexit,” he told the Sunday Times last weekend while discussing next month’s general election, adding: “I think what it symbolises is the opposite of the world I would like to be in.”
Finally, we have a true hero to rally around. Harry Styles – a man who has never put a foot wrong in his life, with the possible exception of that two-year stretch when he modelled his entire aesthetic on Tom Hiddleston in Only Lovers Left Alive – has stepped forward to suffer the slings and arrows of the 52%.
He has voiced an opinion that will actively enrage your parents, despite banking his entire career on a Serious Artist album that can only realistically be enjoyed by someone’s dad. His first foray into cinema – Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk – hinges on a historical moment of us-against-the-world island-nation glory, and yet he has basically pulled down his pants to moon at whomever will be first in line to watch it. His anti-Brexit stance could ruin him, and yet he said it anyway. This is the sacrifice that Styles has made, and he has made it for us.
But back to his statement. Given the Conservatives’ enthusiasm for Brexit, and Labour’s ambivalence, “I’m probably going to vote for whoever is against Brexit” seems like a clear intention to support the Liberal Democrats. And this – tragically, inevitably – means enduring the party’s woeful D-grade pun game at its absolute worst. Here is a real response from Sarah Olney MP, with some all-caps additions to better clarify the results of the 10 minutes her press team spent looking at Lyricsfreak.com:
“It’s a SIGN OF THE TIMES that so many young people feel this government is creating a future they don’t want to live in. Labour and the Tories are both heading in ONE DIRECTION, towards a bad Brexit deal. People like Harry should not let themselves be DRAGGED DOWN and know they can vote to change Britain’s future.”
Why stop there, Sarah? Why not go the whole hog and add: “Harry, WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL is ONE THING that keeps me UP ALL NIGHT: your implied endorsement of our plan to supply rural areas with internet that has a minimum upload speed of 6Mbps. That really makes me want to DANCE ALL NIGHT TO THE BEST SONG EVER.”
Styles deserves better than this. He stuck his neck out for you, Olney, and your response is only half a level down from Iain Duncan Smith rapping Eminem lyrics to Piers Morgan. Remainers, Harry Styles is our new figurehead and we should support him in all ways possible, stopping just short of buying or listening to his new album, because life is short and we are not idiots.
