I went for a night out in a small town with my schoolfriends recently. We stood around in a bar (with a late licence) and reminisced about Mr Taylor’s chemistry class and so on. We were probably 10 years older than everyone else there. At one point Tom attempted to prove that he could keep his mouth closed while Gordon prised it open with some tongs (it’s not clear where the tongs had appeared from). I spent a bit of time staring at other people’s jeans. There wasn’t a man in the bar who wasn’t wearing some. Jeans are the ultimate wardrobe staple. In fact, I don’t know any man under the age of 65 who doesn’t own a pair of jeans. So it seems sensible to assume that we, the men of the world, would be able to get jeans right. And yet…
Now, there may be a time when the bootcut jean comes back into fashion for the gentleman. That time is not now. Even if it was, you still shouldn’t wear them. Ever. Your choices are simple: slim or straight. Skinny is a risk that isn’t worth taking; I know because I regularly take that risk and regret it. I should probably start taking my own advice. Loose-fit jeans may be comfortable, but are you a 16-year-old-skater boi? Thought not.
The most mystifying thing about the jeans in that bar though was not the mini-flare, but the overwhelming number of blue-jeans-and-smart-black-shoes combabominations* on display. I have no idea what has given rise to this. Who is telling people that it is an acceptable look? My only theory goes thus: when boys first start going to nightclubs, the door policy is “no trainers”. So in the absence of any other options, we are forced to wear our school shoes (black; squared-off toe) with our going-out trousers, which are, of course, jeans. And thus the habit is formed. Can we please all agree to stop this nonsense? There is a Tumblr site dedicated to such crimes against your own feet and legs (jeansandsheux.tumblr.com) and it is not an honour to be featured on it.
Let’s be clear: any nightclub that insists on “no trainers” is obviously going to be terrible, but if you still insist on smart black shoes, you can just – just – about get away with wearing slim black jeans. That silhouette can look OK. Don’t think there is any leeway on the blackness of the jeans – there isn’t. Grey will not do. The most versatile jeans are classic indigo. You can dress them up with some brogue boots, or down with some basic white pumps, or wear them with your favourite trainers, or turn them up and over a pair of classic workboots. Easy.
*I am pushing for “combabomination” to enter the OED this year
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