I don't mean to sound conspiratorial, but I think godless DEMONcrats have intentionally infected President Donald Trump, several Republican senators and a number of military and religious leaders with the coronavirus.
How else can we explain the fact that Republicans, who wisely question the seriousness of this so-called pandemic, seem to be the ones getting diagnosed with COVID-19 while liberals like Sleepy Joe Biden who religiously wear masks and abide by silly social distancing recommendations don't get sick? It makes no sense.
This all hit me the other day as I was finishing a blog post titled: "Only GIRLY LIBS wear masks: How to beat the FAKE coronavirus scare with AMERICAN #toughness!!"
I came across an investigative tweet by former Republican congressional candidate and true American patriot DeAnna Lorraine. It read: "Does anyone else find it odd that no prominent Democrats have had the virus but the list of Republicans goes on and on?"
Wow. That really makes you not think, doesn't it?
Here are some of the recent Republican politicians and members of the Trump administration who have tested positive for the fake coronavirus: President Trump; first lady Melania Trump; Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel; press secretary Kayleigh McEnany; aide Hope Hicks; former counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway; campaign manager Bill Stepien; principal assistant press secretary Chad Gilmartin; assistant press secretary Karoline Leavitt; Sen. Mike Lee; Sen. Ron Johnson; Sen. Thom Tillis; and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.
Also suspiciously testing positive for a thing I don't believe in are: Notre Dame President John Jenkins; vice commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, Adm. Charles Ray; California megachurch pastor Greg Laurie; and Texas megachurch pastor Matt Hagee.
On Tuesday, because of the Coast Guard admiral's diagnosis, the top U.S. general, Gen. Mark Milley, and other members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff went into quarantine.
How are the liberals pulling this off?
The only things all these people have in common is attending White House events or other engagements where few people wore masks or practiced social distancing. So you're telling me behavior that conflicts with basic coronavirus rules set up by the notoriously liberal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention could somehow put a person at greater risk?
That sounds dodgy. I have it on good authority from the president and a number of people at Fox News that masks are silly and we have to just live our lives and not worry about the virus.
Heck, Trump just got out of the hospital after single-handedly beating the so-called virus into submission with his bare hands and he tweeted this: "Flu season is coming up! Many people every year, sometimes over 100,000, and despite the Vaccine, die from the Flu. Are we going to close down our Country? No, we have learned to live with it, just like we are learning to live with Covid, in most populations far less lethal!!!"
(Note how Trump smartly included a bunch of incorrect information in that tweet to infuriate the FAKE NEWS media and force Twitter to label it as "spreading misleading and potentially harmful information related to COVID-19." Classic!)
But I still can't figure out why Republicans seem to be the main ones learning to live with the virus by catching the virus.
At my Masks Are Tyranny advocacy group's planning session Tuesday afternoon, I got close to the faces of several members and loudly exclaimed, "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?"
The group's co-founder, following one of the coughing fits he recently developed, shouted this into my face: "THIS HAS TO BE A RADICAL LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY AIMED AT DESTROYING AMERICA AS WE KNOW IT AND SILENCING CONSERVATIVES THEN ENSLAVING US AND FORCING US TO WORK IN THE KALE FIELDS!!!"
That adds up. But it doesn't explain everything.
No, I think something more sinister is afoot, and I would bet my ticket to this weekend's Midwestern Shopping Mall Bannister Licking Competition on it.
I asked myself: If masks are dumb and unmanly _ duh! _ and standing in crowded spaces during a pandemic is awesome and sensible, why are so many people who believe those things getting sick?
Then it hit me: antifa.
Clearly, the coronavirus has teamed up with left-wing radicals in antifa who are trying to bring down the government. They are likely dispatching some of their Super Soldiers (you can find out about them on the internet or from my Uncle Stu). The soldiers may be disguising themselves as Republicans or even President Trump to infect unsuspecting real-Republicans who have gathered in crowded areas to hug and talk loudly without masks.
This is literally the only thing that makes sense.
So, fellow Republicans, if you are out and about, please be on the lookout for people who look like Republicans. They will likely be maskless and eager to talk directly into your face.
If you see anyone fitting that description, run away as quickly as possible shouting, "ANTIFA! THEY'VE COME TO GIVE ME THE CORONAVIRUS!"
This is the only way we can stop them.
