As the year comes to an end, I believe it's important to look back and reflect on all that has happened _ the goals you've achieved, the love you've shared and, of course, the vile and profane insults hurled in your direction.
Most won't have much to consider when it comes to that last category. I, on the other hand, have a bountiful supply.
And so I have compiled a list that I'm calling: The Top 20 Insults of 2019. It's 20 of the finest bits of invective I received from readers this year, a veritable smorgasbord of artisanal aspersions.
Why would I do such a thing? Well, I believe it's important to find value in all that's given to you, the good and the bad. At first blush, it might be hard to see what benefit comes from being called a "Pumpkin Head." But by pondering such a comment, I might find ways to improve my head appearance and make it as non-pumpkinish as possible.
Consider this recent missive from a reader reacting to one of my columns: "Another piece of crap by freaking Democratic."
OK. What positive steps can I take in response to the entirety of that helpful note?
First, I challenge myself to figure out what happened to the rest of the sentence. Should there be something after "freaking Democratic"? Am I the freaking Democratic? Is that a new term I've missed out on?
Also, the reader's note forces me to consider which piece of dung he or she (it's definitely a he) is referring to, given the frequency with which I write. Is it just the most recent column that was published? Or is he harking back to one from weeks ago?
In the end, the reader gets the visceral pleasure of insulting me and I get the intellectual challenge of figuring out what he or she means. It's truly a win-win scenario.
Another recent reader email read: "Eat (expletive) Rex!!!" Only where I have "(expletive)" the reader had a swear word that rhymes with snit.
What am I to take from these words another human being took time to assemble and send my way? Does he actually want me to eat snit? Is this some weird new Hollywood diet craze? If so, maybe it's just a helpful weight-loss tip.
You never know, but you have to keep a positive outlook.
That's why I don't want to hog all the wisdom that came my way this year under cloak of insult. So here, without further ado, are the Top 20 Insults of 2019, printed as they were written, with some occasional parenthetical commentary:
1) Your a dumb a-- (a classic, truly the Pulitzer Prize of insults)
2) You're attempted humor is pathetic (a nice twist on Insult No. 1)
3) you hideous nincompoop
4) You are really One Biased Piece of dung!
5) Immarure drivel!!!!! (most of my drivel is intentionally immarure)
6) i guess you are taking stupid pills again.
7) I can't believe the Chicago tribute finds you to be a journalist
8) Rex, I love you man. NOT! (Nailed it!)
9) Get a life and (expletive) off you (expletive). Oh and by the way _ youre a (expletive) writer.
10) Oh you're such a clever little liberal punk Rex Huppke. (He called me clever!)
11) Mr. Demoslime (also the name of the superhero screenplay I'm writing)
12) What a (name of a sex toy) you are
13) You keep going down lower and lower to idiocy and stupid ness and not journalism please die yesterday (Sorry! Time machine's broken.)
14) stop acting like a girlie man all hysterical and crying
15) Bubonic Plague Infested Garbage Dump Media Zombie Rat (name of the other screenplay I'm writing)
16) The word douchebag fits you perfectly
17) Try waking up and quit being a dueche (Now I have to figure out whether No. 16 or No. 17 is spelling it right.)
18) Check out the big brain on Rex!
19) You are truly hypocritical anti American scum
20) As usual you show you're a total idiot please do humanity a favor and stop breathing. (But if I do that I might...ohhhhh, I get it.)
So there you have it, some of the highlights of my year, all thanks to people who hate my columns so much they never miss a single one.
And if any of you care to insult me more this year, anger can be directed in the form of a donation to the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive, which is raising money for the Greater Chicago Food Depository and runs through Dec. 31.
You can donate under the team name RexStinks or, if you're so inclined, RexRocks. The market will decide my fate.
You can donate at this link: http://myfooddrive.org/#InsultRex.
