One of the mysteries of the moment is whether President Donald Trump will willingly sit down with special counsel Robert Mueller and answer questions relating to the ongoing Russia investigation.
That mystery looms larger following the release of nearly 50 questions Mueller would like to ask the president, questions that were leaked to The New York Times this week from a person outside Trump's legal team.
Some suggest the questions came from a Trump ally hoping to discourage the president from sitting down with Mueller. But Trump is not one to be discouraged, and it wouldn't surprise me if he defied everyone and charged into an interview with the special counsel confident that he alone can end what he has dubbed a "total witch hunt."
As many of you know, one of the things that makes me so good at this job is my power of precognition. Using that, I was able to peer into the near future and, by taking copious notes, bring you back the following transcript of Trump's upcoming interview with Mueller.
MUELLER: Mr. President, thanks for sitting down with me.
TRUMP: Sure thing, John.
MUELLER: It's Robert.
TRUMP: Whatever. Can I get a Diet Coke?
MUELLER: Of course. Can someone bring the president a Diet Coke, please?
TRUMP: So what can we do to wrap this thing up?
MUELLER: Well, sir, I have a series of quest...
TRUMP: I mean, this thing is really dumb, right? Total witch hunt, many are saying that. And you know, there was no collusion, right? None. Zero. I won the election with such huge numbers. Did you see the electoral map? I brought one. Here. You can keep that, I even signed it. There's a little something on the back for you as well.
MUELLER: Sir, is that a hundred-dollar bill taped to the back?
TRUMP: I dunno. Is it? Who knows? All I know is let's get this thing over with and done, I have a tee time this afternoon.
MUELLER: Sir, I can't accept this, it's a bribe.
TRUMP: What's a bribe? I don't even know what you're talkin' about? I didn't see anything. Whatever. FIRST QUESTION!
MUELLER: I'm giving this back to you, sir. OK, the first item I wanted to address is ...
TRUMP: Where's that Diet Coke?
MUELLER: I'm sure it's coming, sir.
TRUMP: Slow. I hate slow.
MUELLER: The item I want to address first is this: What knowledge did you have of any outreach by your campaign, including by Paul Manafort, to Russia about potential assistance to the campaign?
TRUMP: FALSE!
MUELLER: What?
TRUMP: FAKE! That's fake news. I don't know anything about Russia. What's a Russia? Who knows? Who cares? WE'RE GONNA BUILD A WALL!
MUELLER: But ...
TRUMP: And Manafort, he was just this guy, he was with us for a short period of time. Didn't help. Don't know him. Next question.
MUELLER: Mr. President, we have evidence and sworn testimony that shows Mr. Manafort had deep ties to ...
TRUMP: Ah, finally! The Diet Coke is here. I love this stuff. You drink it?
MUELLER: No, I drink milk.
TRUMP: HAH! Milk. You're such a dope.
MUELLER: Pardon me?
TRUMP: Nothing.
MUELLER: OK, so like I was say ...
TRUMP: Can you believe how much I've accomplished already as president? More than any other president, and it hasn't even been that long. It's truly amazing. They said I couldn't do it but ...
MUELLER: Can we stay on topic, Mr. President?
TRUMP: Of course! I am the best at staying on topics. Everyone around me says that, they say, "I've never seen anyone who can stay on topic like Trump." They really do.
MUELLER: Right. Let's just move on to the next question. What did you think and what did you do in reaction to the news of the appointment of the special counsel?
TRUMP: I was furious, it was total b.s. I mean, not because I did anything wrong, of course. I'm totally innocent. Nobody has ever been more innocent than me. But, you know, I wanted to stop it. Who wants to be getting investigated, it's such a waste of time.
MUELLER: You wanted the investigation stopped?
TRUMP: Yeah, dummy, of course I did. Who wouldn't? I tried everything. Tried to get Sessions to stop it, tried to get Comey _ that lyin' jerk _ to stop it. I even tried to get Jared to do something, but honestly, that guy can't seem to get anything done. Don't tell Ivanka I said that. He's kind of a loser. Not as bad as Eric, but still. A real mess.
MUELLER: Sir, you realize you are under oath, correct?
TRUMP: Of course. Can I get another Diet Coke?
MUELLER: And you are saying you actively tried to direct government officials to halt the special counsel investigation.
TRUMP: Absolutely. Right thing to do. I stand by what I did because it wasn't wrong and there was nothing illegal about it.
MUELLER: That's obstructing justice, Mr. President.
TRUMP: No it isn't.
MUELLER: Yes ... yes, it is.
TRUMP: You don't know what you're talking about. Trust me, I know the law so well. I've dealt with law my whole life and know it better than most of you lawyers, if I'm being honest. Not to sound braggadocious, but it's true. So no offense, but you don't know what you're talking about.
MUELLER: ...
TRUMP: We done here?
MUELLER: Uhhhhh. Yes. I believe we are done, President Trump. I want to thank you for your time.
TRUMP: Great. Can I get that Diet Coke to go? I gotta get to my golf course. Have you seen it? Gorgeous, like all my properties. Come out sometime, I'll give you a discount. Maybe get you to loosen up a little. Beautiful women there. The best.
MUELLER: I don't think that would be appropriate, sir.
TRUMP: God, you're a stiff. Make this all go away now. I'm sick of it. You're fired. Whatever.
MUELLER: Have a good day, Mr. President. I'll be seeing you soon.
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
