As the 2016 presidential campaign heats up and explodes in a ball of fire that is likely to consume us all, we are bombarded with information on how to handle political discussions in the workplace.
Drawing on my vast knowledge of workplace cultures, I have assembled a definitive, step-by-step guide for any American worker who is considering bringing up the subject of this election at work:
1) Don't
2) Do not.
3) Stop it.
4) Get that thought out of your head.
5) Don't you dare bring that up.
6) Go outside and get in your car and scream for five minutes until you come to your senses.
7) Under no circumstances, even under threat of physical harm, will you utter the words "Donald Trump," "Hillary Clinton" or "presidential campaign," in any order or for any reason.
8) No.
9) Seriously. What the hell is wrong with you?
Feel free to laminate that list and keep it in your pocket until after Nov. 8.
While I'd like to think that's enough to keep the peace at offices nationwide, the truth is, somebody's not going to listen. It shouldn't happen _ ever _ but it's going to: Somebody at work will ask you whom you're voting for this year.
Political chitchat is about as welcome in the workplace right now as an outbreak of leprosy, but no matter what policies are in place or what managers do to discourage such discourse, it always surfaces.
My colleague, Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz, reported in a recent story that the Chicago-based employment law training firm Seyfarth Shaw at Work has seen a dramatic jump _ more than 50 percent _ in inquiries relating to the election, with companies seeking advice on handling "the heightened interest and tension around the presidential candidates."
A June survey by the Society for Human Resource Management found that 26 percent of HR professionals report that "compared with previous years employees were more vocal about their opinions, appeared to view candidates as more polarizing and were more concerned about their choices."
Political discussions at work can't be outlawed, so the best bet for managers is to encourage workers to be respectful, and then for everyone to fasten their seat belts. It's going to be a long and bumpy few months until November.
But what about that one pointed question you know is coming: Whom are you voting for?
Don't worry, I have a solution. Just say you're voting for me.
That's right: Rex Huppke for president.
As America's most beloved workplace advice columnist, I feel I owe it to all working people to take one for the team and officially announce my campaign as a write-in presidential candidate.
I don't plan on campaigning. And I don't care if you actually vote for me. In fact, I'd prefer you didn't. I just want to be there to help you short-circuit any awkward political conversations.
My AMB (America's most beloved) status is impressive, but not impressive enough to make me a household (or office-hold) name. So when someone asks whom you're voting for and you say, "Rex Huppke," the first response will likely be: "Who the heck is that?"
And that's when you say, "Oh, he's just this guy."
And then your co-worker/political agitator will probably say: "Where does he stand on the issues?"
And that's when you recite my lone policy stance: "Be nice to everyone, OK? Now let's get back to work."
That's it. That applies to everything.
If your colleague asks my position on immigration, you say, "Be nice to everyone, OK? Now let's get back to work."
World affairs? "Be nice to everyone, OK? Now let's get back to work."
Social issues? "Be nice to everyone, OK? Now let's get back to work."
There's just nowhere for the conversation to go once you've expressed your principled and unwavering support for me as president. I won't become president _ and I would be very bad at it if I did _ but my humble candidacy will get you out of all manner of problematic workplace discussions.
You're welcome. I feel it's the least I can do for the country that most beloves me.
So get out there, workers, and fearlessly pledge your faux-allegiance to the one presidential candidate who can save you from being yelled at by politically fervent colleagues: Rex Huppke.
Now let's get back to work and never speak of this again.
