Ready? Steady? Review!
Idle Kings – Fireflies
@guideguardian Please review our track Fireflies! Piano/strings/lo-fi vox... what more do you need?! #ReviewAnything http://t.co/zRAbna9F5R
— idle kings (@idlekingsmusic) October 2, 2014
I got lost in Doncaster’s Watergate shopping centre as a child once, outside, by the Netto. Abrasive, mud-dashed concrete walls rose before my young eyes like totemic graves against the skyline, and the world’s turn inched and spluttered to a death as my throat began to dry in panic, surrounded by drunk men in tracksuits called Dean and shuffling old ladies with beards who yelled vile obscenities at pigeons and traffic. That feeling that I felt then, the cloying dread that my Adidas poppers would be unzipped by some vengeful, unseen sneak, came barrelling back into my bones as I listened to this track. So I’m biased against it from the off, frankly, and make no apologies for that.
Think The Pyramid Song by Radiohead and The Peaks by Everything Everything playing at the same time, only in perfect sync, and that’s where we are. Vocally, that’s meant as a compliment to Idle Kings – good set of pipes there, son – but structurally the song itself seems as aimless as my terrified wanderings on that cold Doncaster day. Melodic freeform’s no bad thing in concept, but to a point: I’ve played the song three times now and I can’t remember any of it. But then again I’m finding it hard to focus; I’m still adrift in this Proustian hell, and you brought me here, Idle Kings. Help. I don’t know anyone. Can you help me? Help? Get away from me. HEL – oh no, it’s fine. My mum just nipped into the newsies for a pack of Mayfair. AND SHE GOT ME A TWIX. Mint. LH
DC Pronk – Going To A Town
@guideguardian My version of a Rufus Wainwright song: https://t.co/EHyPfHLUnk … #reviewanything
— D.C. Pronk (@DPronk1959) September 30, 2014
“My version of a Rufus Wainright song…” Oh, that’s all I need. During one of the baroque popster’s many interminable dirges, I once overheard someone in the NME office exclaim: “I’d put my cock in his mouth just to shut him up!” It’s still the most trenchant piece of criticism I can ascribe to that particular organ (the magazine, that is). The main problem with DC Pronk’s interpretation here (besides it being a Rufus Wainwright song) is that he’s adopted the Canadian’s uniquely bored vocal inflections. The arrangement is not substantially different, either. Because I’m a professional, I felt duty-bound to check out Pronk’s own song The Walking Dead (A Love Song). It’s much better: a faintly stalkerish electropop piano ballad, like the great David Kitt trying to pen a song for Elton John. MH
Ryan K – From You
@guideguardian hey! could you review my new song? #reviewanything https://t.co/Zs35fsOq6M
— Ryan K (@RyanK_710) September 29, 2014
Thanks for the warning, Ryan K. I was in no way prepared for this level of earnest schmaltzywaltz when my sugar levels are low and I haven’t eaten lunch yet. Okay, so the acoustic guitar and your nice kind face should have given it away, but really, the ringing open chords and overwrought lyrics have really set me off. Bit worried about the fact that you need to “seek relief” from someone – it’s called a tissue box and a spare five minutes, love – but your voice, I must say, is lovely. Absolutely lovely. And nothing like the annoying boy-crowing that new singers like James Bay have taken to. I just wish you were singing about something else, something real, like the plant pots aisle at B&Q, or how much you hate Ed Sheeran’s guts, instead of wussing over some crap girl. Remember this for when you’re a kid no more: they’re never worth it. KH
A child’s poem
@guideguardian A poem for you: https://t.co/NpL26oUxtZ
— Ben Boyer (@sleezsisters) October 3, 2014
In honor of #NationalPoetryDay - some original verse from '84 that doubles as my personal credo to this day. pic.twitter.com/T3Xkj3tZOD
— Ben Boyer (@sleezsisters) October 3, 2014
How do you review a poem by a child? Is it better to say nice things in the hope they’ll be encouraged to continue being creative, and eventually grow up to become, say, commissioning editor of comedy at Sky? Or do you judge it by adult criteria – originality, scansion, spelling – giving you an easy target? The latter, of course. This early Boyer effort from 1984 owes an obvious debt to Dr Seuss (notably his masterpiece, Green Eggs And Ham), fails to write Michael Jackson correctly, perpetuates the American inability to spell “maths”, and painfully shoehorns in a rhyme in its first stanza. Having said that, the sentiment is accessible and universal (who doesn’t like movies?), the accompanying illustration compares favourably with Cy Twombly or Tracey Emin, and the joined-up handwriting looks lovely. SW
A Shining-inspired GIF
@guideguardian Can you review my gif Hello Danny please. #ReviewAnything http://t.co/5SWKnQ5XFD
— Sketchaganda (@sketchaganda) October 3, 2014
If you watch the actual bit of The Shining where the Grady daughters appear at the end of the corridor, it is actually a bit like a gif: the terrifying pair immaculate in blue and offering playdate invitations one second, blood-spattered and brutally murdered the next. So basically Kubrick was doing gifs in 1980, and 34 years later this person has managed to create a wildly inferior and somehow disappointingly innocuous version in which the twins flicker tranquilly behind their trademark party dresses. Moral: don’t mess with the master. RA
A sketch
@guideguardian a silly sketch I wrote and directed http://t.co/oFkbkKzUFU #ReviewAnything
— Spooky JayKayElleton (@jaykayell_) October 2, 2014
Ah, the public-health campaign. A sociological minefield. To this day, it seems, our various governments have yet to figure out how to push the buttons of our collective psyche. They’ve tried humour, hand wringing and Melissa Messenger. Millions of pounds have been spent on concepts dreamed up by guys on beanbags in bare-bricked spaces in Shoreditch. All to very little avail. It begs the question: what the hell is the Just Say No for the Gogglebox generation?
All things considered, your university effort, Spooky JayKayElleton, deserves a big red tick. You’ve opted for laughs, a simple format and a closing shocker for good measure. Just a few pointers: I was loving the cookery show and wish you’d stayed there. A nice pastiche of the Crabbies ginger beer pastiche. Perhaps you could have taken things a little more RP – a touch of Nigella, with some Class As for good measure. The understated closing barf was nicely done, the self-aware self-loathing a chilling reminder of nights ill-spent.
Personally, I’ve always found a well-placed Corrie storyline far more effective than any awareness video. But you’ve made me think. I’ll watch my measures in the Guardian canteen tonight. Promise. CC
