Do you want a gander
My winsome lass
Or do you want a goose?
– Rambling Syd Rumpo
Waterlogged Ambridge is kept afloat at the moment by Toby and Rex Fairbrother, newcomers who have gone in for geese in a big way. Rather bigger than originally anticipated as Toby – sent out for 100 goslings – came back with 250. One can only be thankful it wasn’t magic beans. The Fairbrothers may be intended as an encouragement to townies with no farming experience whatsoever to plunge fearlessly into country life. Secretly we all feel there is nothing to it. Hugging myself, I await (and I do feel he is milking his entrance) the inevitable fox.
Geese seem to lend themselves to coarse rural humour (ducks are not much better) and should greatly add to the gaiety of village life. It is in short supply, what with Kenton going bankrupt in The Bull, Heather hanging on by a thread and Adam refusing to grow maize, which is bad news for popcorn-lovers. Understandably, many of the cast are making themselves scarce (“What about a couple of months in Tuscany, Caroline?”).
Things cheered up when Phoebe, a simple country maiden, was surprised in flagrante with Alex, who had seemed such a nice young man. You could hear the crackle of the cellophane as he arrived bearing a bunch of flowers for granny. Phoebe’s hippy mother (these two owe a debt of gratitude and, possibly, royalties to Saffron and Edina from Ab Fab) did not react in the least like a hippy but exactly like a mother. “Alex, stop! Get your clothes and get out now!” Hurling, one hopes, his wilting sweet williams after him. Phoebe has now taken to tossing her curls: “It was private! It was the first time for both of us! I’m never going to speak to you again!”
Is Phoebe: A) a spoilt brat who needs a sharp slap; or B) an independent-minded young woman? Answers on a postcard, please. If you know what a postcard is, you will vote A.
A month in Ambridge returns on 12 August.
