• Rename it "Five: The World's Greatest TV Channel".
• Rebrand Five News as "Five News, Five Goss, Five Pics, Five Sport".
• Buy rights to old Channel 4 sitcom, Desmonds. It sounds like a winner!
• Cut length of flagship 5pm news bulletin to one minute, allowing 29 minutes to talk about the weather. Well, it works for the Daily Express.
• Drop Justin Lee Collins. I've got enough hairy twats on my other TV channels. The new face of Five – Princess Diana.
• Explore ideas for new flagship sports show, Topless Darts, but without the darts.
• Bring back karoake game show Night Fever with new resident house band, the RD Crusaders. Ace drummer!
• Outsource production of teatime soap operas to Australia. What do you mean, they've already done that?
• Move the watershed from 9pm to 9am to allow greater variety of programming in the daytime schedule. May require call to Ofcom.
• Follow up the Hotel Inspector and the Restaurant Inspector with ... the Newspaper Inspector, in which a well-known charismatic press baron tells journalists where they are going wrong. And pays himself £1m a week.
