Gob-smacked by the equestrian leg of the Olympic modern pentathlon, and eager to stack the deck of future medal hauls towards New Zealanders, Alexia Russell proposes an ultra-modern alternative
I was watching the Olympic modern pentathlon the other day with my sister. We've both been to the Olympics, and while she was taking part and I was just watching, I still reckon that qualifies me for a lifetime of opinions.
We were watching the equestrian leg of the pentathlon – the weirdest of all Olympic sports (and that includes skateboarding and bouldering).
My sister, who does horsey things, was scathing of the tiny course and the way some riders had no idea how to treat their mounts. Later the German coach was disqualified because she punched a horse. Photos (like the one above) show the tearful rider, Annika Schleu, perched aboard the laughing animal.
Surely we can do better than this archaic series of random sports? The event consists of cross country running, freestyle swimming, fencing, pistol shooting and show jumping.
The very nature of it reeks of athletes who have enough dosh and spare time to indulge themselves in a little bit of everything. Unsurprisingly, both the men’s and women’s medals were won by Team GBR.
How about something less ‘jolly hockey sticks’ and more real life 2024 for the Paris Games?
Or something that New Zealanders, and in particular Aucklanders, would excel at?
Here’s my take on the Ultra-Modern Olympic Pentathlon:
Event 1. Running, while texting. Athletes would be judged on their finishing times, grammar and punctuation. Alternatively, driving while texting, with points off for not staying within the road lanes.
Event 2. Cycling, through road works. All major cities go through fits and starts of these and Auckland right now would be the place to train. The world’s ultra-modern pentathletes would flock to the City of Road Cones to jump obstacles, negotiate car-only spaces and study the art of getting around road closures. The use of cycle lanes prohibited. Extra points for cycling in pedestrian spaces and the wrong way up one-way streets. Additional advantage for host cities – no (more) road closures required. Points for difficulty could be added if you strap a child to the back of the bike.
Event 3. Walking and using public transport to make your way from the geographical end of a major city to the other. Google Maps would be banned - you’d have to rely on your wits and cunning and possibly asking strangers for directions, which would disadvantage men. In Auckland this would be a two-day event.
Event 4. Surfing channels. Collect as many Olympic results as possible over 12 channels in one hour and catch the tries from a rugby test match being played at the same time. There will be a comprehension test.
Event 5. Jet skiing. A new sport introduced simply to advantage Aucklanders - but there’s a catch. Athletes would have to navigate their powered watercraft below five knots within 200 metres of the shore, without using speed measuring devices. On second thoughts, this sport would not advantage Aucklanders at all.
