There is a new Milk Tray man, and this means two things. First, it means that people miraculously still eat Milk Tray, even though all Milk Tray chocolates (Strawberry Temptation, Fudge Duet, Caramel Softy, Surprise Parcel) were apparently named after the strippers that a Cadbury executive encountered during the absolute worst period of his life.
Second, it means that we as a nation must once again confront the frankly terrifying implications that a Milk Tray Man conjures. It means that the epitome of romance will once more involve dressing up as a sex offender and spending a fortune in order to break into a woman’s house as elaborately as possible, purely so that you can lob a £4 box of newsagent chocolates on her coffee table. Which, let’s be clear, sounds like a faff.
There’s not a lot of fun to be had in bringing back the Milk Tray Man – not least because the new Milk Tray Man apparently got the job by impressing judges “with a line in thoughtful banter” – especially because there are so many other beloved icons of the advertising industry who are more deserving of resurrection. Here are my top three, along with my casting suggestions.
Peppy the Fox’s Glacier Mints bear – to be played by an actual polar bear
There’s no point trying to anthropomorphise Peppy, though it’s been tried before. No, to fully encapsulate the joyless sensation of eating a Fox’s Glacier Mint – from the 15 minutes trying to prise the wrapper from the adhesive outer-mint gunk to the sad realisation that this thing will now be stuck in your mouth all afternoon – we should bring in a real polar bear. Either a polar bear from the wild that’s miserable and drowning and homeless, or a zoo-based polar bear that’s all mottled and driven to the point of mental collapse by the constant expectation to perform on a ratty fibreglass iceberg in front of crowds of passively disinterested tourists. Either would do it, really.
Captain Birdseye – to be played by one of those Cereal Killer Cafe people
Captain Birdseye has been updated unsuccessfully before – he briefly became a stubbly hunk to the approval of nobody – but that’s because the timing wasn’t right. Let’s break down the key Captain Birdseye characteristics. He has a beard. He loves a specific type of food to the point of fetishising it. That food is a cheap convenience food that probably isn’t all that nutritionally beneficial. He often seems quite lonely. That’s a perfect description of those men who run the breakfast cereal cafe in Shoreditch that everyone hates. It doesn’t matter which one gets the job, because nobody can tell them apart anyway.
The Milky Bar Kid – to be played by Stuart Heritage
Stuart Heritage has blond hair. Stuart Heritage is severely shortsighted. Stuart Heritage is used to being referred to as The Milky Bar Kid, because everyone he ever went to school with spent about a decade using it as a pejorative term whenever he was in earshot. Stuart Heritage doesn’t mind being called The Milky Bar Kid, because he has learned to push the insult down, all the way down deep into the pit of his belly, where it cannot hurt him any more. Stuart Heritage would look cool dressed as a natty little cowboy.
